Dear, 'Whom It May Concern',

To those whom are reading this and know my identity, minus the people whom I have readily revealed myself to AND the people whose blogs I follow without disclosure of their identity or mine;

Dear 'Whom It May Concern',

If you are a friend or a family member or someone reading this knowing my true identity, it is with greatest of  hope that I wish you respect my discretion. This blog is for me to vent out my frustration and an outlet to deal with the elevated stress levels my life has presented me over the past year. I hope you are not one to judge and I certainly hope albeit my suspicions are to be true, the truth, either way, should remain ambiguous. I do not want to know who you are. I just want the amount of privacy being anonymous (to a certain level, the very least) presents me.

PS: This is a result of mere suspicion. Nothing dramatic has happened to spur this post.

*deep breath in, deep breath out*

I am busy... 

SO busy that I am starting my days early in the morning, like at 8 am!!! 

The last time I got up that early was in first year!!! 

Undergraduate!!! 

My MSc work is pushing my limits!!!

I don't have time to take a breath let alone a social life.

I am so afraid of losing my friends because I haven't met up with so many of them in the longest time...

The only thing keeping me going is Saturdays...

My dance classes...

The one thing I look forward to every other week...

Even typing this was monumental!

Did it with literally one eye shut...

No, it is not an understatement!

But I had to...

I need to vent frustration!!!

Waiting for MSc to finish!

Dear God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lost... Completely...

I feel like a walking zombie.
I thought the worst was over.
Never knew things could get worse.
Worse than losing someone you love is losing your own self.

I am lost, now more than ever.
I keep looking up to God to give me something to move on...
It has been over a week and still nothing...
I don't know who I am, what I want, where I would like to go, how I wish my life would be.
I am lost. Totally and completely lost.
I feel like my life is at a dead-end.
I can't relate to feelings; sad, happy, love, anger, optimism, cynicism, hope, faith; all seem ambiguous...
My life seems ambiguous...

The only thing I feel is this empty space in my head and my heart; an empty space that weighs more than I can carry...

The only thing I see is a routine and a plan that I stick to for reasons I have stopped comprehending.

The only thing I hear is sound; no more music or melody.

The only people whom I care for are those close to me. Even then I don't feel for them. I just do what is socially required of me as a son/brother/friend/relative.

The only thing I sense are the tangibles that are directly or indirectly involved in the aforementioned routine.

*shrug*
*a slight maneuver of the head from left to right*
*a stare into blank space*

PS: This has got nothing to do with Married Man. He may have been a contributing factor but there is bigger picture involved. One I can't seem to paint or picture...

If Only My Ears Could Emit Steam!

Why did I believe this could happen??? Am I that desperate and needy??? As if the past week hasn't been tough on me. Now this??!!!

Ok, here's the deal... The last week has been one so frustrating that all I could do was cry!
I feel that strongest are those whom can control anger than those whom vent it out through physical violence.
So I cry.

The deeper I got into my thesis, the more I realised I don't belong where I am. I cannot relate to the things I am doing anymore. I feel numb. I am not earning much dough. I can't seem to find the time to do my exercise routines and I am putting on weight. My performance in odissi classes is dwindling. I can't focus on my work. I can't focus on where this is going and I can't focus on my life! I don't know who I am and what I want anymore.

And the more I see people around me doing better than I am, in fields of their choice, the more I become bitter about my predicament! IT IS SO BLOODY FRUSTRATING!!!

To add to this, the 24th of April came but Married Man never... 25th passed, and now it is the 26th. I guess he forgot that I existed. So I called. Just to make sure I wasn't jumping to conclusion about anything (who knows, he may have died-God forbid, he may have been sick, or he may still be in The Land of Temples, or he may be busy, or whatever valid reason for him not contacting me).

But horror of horrors, my cynical suspicion became true.
He picked up and answered in the most casual manner one could possibly sing a tone to.
My blood pressure shot up.
And again, like my cool collected self, I decided that confrontation is not the answer.
I hit the 'Call End' button.
I felt like an idiot.
And I am now, more angry than ever!!!

Angry!

I am just ANGRY!!!

For everything that has happened!

I AM ANGRY!!!

To All Lesbians, Gays, AND Transsexuals; Rejoice!!!

I read a status update on Facebook today.

By one of my seniors from my former university.

I've heard about that saying before but today an idea struck me.

The status goes something like this...

'Sure God created Man before Woman, but then again you always make a rough draft before creating the final masterpiece...'

Then the light bulb went click on my head.

First came men,

Then women,

Then the lesbians, gays and transsexuals,

Voila! We're the final product of God's most perfect!

PS: No offence to straight people, it was meant purely for the purpose of humour!

Gays, lesbians and transsexuals whom are reading this please rejoice for we're flawless!!!

Man, I wish I could tell that right to her face.

It would have silenced her female chauvinistic thoughts for good!!!

My Choices

It doesn't help to feel helpless, especially when your best friends need you...

I wish I could just drop everything and just dash off to hold a friend's hand or give him/her a hug.

I wish I had the luxury of time and space for this.

We are eternally bound by the need to fulfill our worldly duties; to our family, to ourselves, our loved ones, our friends. And priorities govern these duties. 

Like so many other people, I have always put family above everything else, sometimes even myself and my choices. Although I have always felt like that was more often than not, detrimental to achieving my utmost potential in so many ways, I stand by my choice (not always whole-heartedly). And like everything in life, it ultimately boils down to one's own choices. Every split second decision we formulate based on possibilities and consequences is exactly that; our choices. I have moaned, cried, stressed, beat myself up even, over so many things that have befallen me, all of which I recently decided was juvenile. 

Who we are, what we do, things we perceive, outcomes we expect, achievements we desire, likes we have, semblances we hate, people we love, devils we abhor; all these are more or less the manifestations of everything us. People were never designed to be blatantly categorised and and distinguished into Columns A, B and C, in fact nothing in this world was. And so, I have learned, more or less, to stand by my choices in life, which makes me, me...

I decided to blow Mr. P.

I decided to start inhaling cigarette smoke.

I decided to blow whomever I have blown so far.

I decided to take an interest in fashion and makeup.

I decided to start dance classes.

I decided to come back to my homeland to pursue my Masters Degree.

I decided to slack, in many ways.

I decided to slash my wrist once upon a time ago.

I decided to listen to my parents.

I decided to help my brother and stand by him should things go wrong.

I decided on which phone I want.

I decided to read the books I have read.

I decided to be me.

My choices and all.

I decided.

I stand by my choices and will try to never complain, because I made them.

Because I wanted to!

Drugged!

I remembered one very vivid scenario from my childhood as the common cold viral onset started bugging me earlier today. I have had body temperature so high that I would sometimes go delirious when I was younger. There were times I saw thorns growing out of my blanket, my room space getting smaller (I am not claustrophobic) and thoughts that my uncle was an illegitimate child (I always wondered where that came from).

But one experience stood the test of time and still haunts me. Mom told me later when I regained consciousness of the real world that I was standing naked in the living hall mumbling something like, "avange enna panrange veliye, avangale pogeh sollenggeh!!!" Translated, "what are those people doing outside, ask them to leave!" Thank God only mom was around and I was probably only 13 or 14 years old. The tale progressed with her rushing me into the bathroom and drenching me in cold water. I still do not remember anything about it all except when the cold water was trickling down my face it felt like the planet Earth was being washed down the side of my face, through my shoulders and into the gutter! Epic, I know!

Although generally healthy a person, I've always had problems getting over a cold. Coughing would continuously disturb my slumber, I would wake up every other morning with the back of my throat just clogged with phlegm, sometimes it would be smeared with blood and this would go on for about a week and a half in most instances. I would become almost immobile the first two or three days and to make matters worse, flatulence would make my stomach bloat and cause a sufficient amount of discomfort.

No, I am not HIV+ as I have discovered quite recently and not had sex since then.

I don't even know why I am writing about this when I have more exciting news in the bag.

After my last entry, that very day (7th April), my varsity's Indian Cultural Society was having it's annual Cultural Show. I hadn't planned on going but then Married Man suddenly calls me;

Married Man: Are you coming for the show?
Hdaran: No, it's too far away and I don't have transport. (the show wasn't held in the university because its main hall was under renovation)
Married Man: I thought you said you would be there? Come la!
Hdaran: No, I don't think so, besides, I am not even performing.
Married Man: I am. I am doing the opening performance.
Hdaran: WHAT??? Why didn't you tell me earlier???
Married Man: Well, since you said you were coming I thought it would be a surprise. So, are you coming?
Hdaran: I'll try.

So I did. After his group of dancers (alongside him) were done performing I went backstage to congratulate him.

Guess what, I met The Wife and The Daughter.

TERRIFYING!!! I KNOW!!!

But in reality it wasn't.

The wife was nice and his dancers were about their own business. I mean who wouldn't feel uncomfortable with a stranger in the room being introduced by your dance master? The daughter was adorable and his wife had such a beautiful smile on. I was introduced as an odissi dancer (I am, aren't I?) which justified the reason for me knowing him as a 'friend'.

But before all this happened, the first thing he did upon seeing me was, walk out of the dressing room and hug me. Indescribable! That feeling of being in the arms of someone you want to be in! I hanged out for a while with him and as he left he told me that he was leaving for the The Land of Temples the day after next. With one last hug, I stood there, high with feel-good hormones, drugged and light, as he drove off.

The Dream became but a distant dream.
I made my way back to my car.
24th of April seems so far away; would I be able to go on without this addiction till then?

I Fucking Hate This!!!

I had a dream last night.
Mr. P and I were making love... 

Feels like I just fell right back into him. 

It felt so real.
I can still feel his hug.
His dark glistening skin.
His breathe.
His hair. 

I hate such dreams for they linger around for days... 

Just when I am over him... 

It isn't fair.

I've got a huge workload,

and someone I finally care for truly and deeply.

Mr. P cannot enter my life...

Not anymore...

I've just gotta grit my teeth and get over with this!!!

Don't LIE!!!

Sitting in Starbucks having an ice-blended espresso, with my laptop should be inspiring enough to write, the very least, a decent entry. The truth however is less than desirable, I am fresh out of ideas...

I love blogging, really I do but my life is such a bore right now. My blog is a personal one where I write for myself (I can't emphasize this enough) but when life becomes somehow monotonous, I feel a little discouraged to even start typing. 

However, here I am, trying to squeeze some sort of event in my life that was worth writing down to remember. Talking about draining my brains for that imaginary bulb to light up above my head, I realised, oh my God, I had a great time with Dear Teddy less than 24 hours ago. Dear Teddy is a friend of High Achieving Babes whom in turn became a friend of mine. Love her take on things and what tops that off is her hate of everything cliché. We went out last night for a dose of culture and booze. My dance school organised a cultural evening in celebration of the center's founder. That included 'mitrangam' (Indian drum) performances, 'sitar' (think Ravishankar) performances, a 'baratanatyam' solo and an odissi group performance. And later we had a stimulating conversation over German beers and some finger food. It was a fulfilling night. Just what I needed to break my monotony; a night out, well dressed with two of my favorite passions, Indian classical dance and booze!!!

Another funny thing happened, my lecturer calls on a Sunday morning (a.k.a this morning), something he doesn't do even if we've made prior arrangements to meet up the next day. The conversation went something like this;

Dr. T: So Hdaran, where are you?

Hdaran: (My first thoughts were he was going to ask to meet up.) I am at home sir.

Dr. T: Ok, so I can't meet you tomorrow because I will be busy so can we meet today, somewhere close to your place?

Hdaran: Errrmm, ok sir, what time and where?

Dr. T: About four, I'll confirm the place in a while.

Funny thing was, I was actually in campus. At that split second the only thing I wanted to avoid was to get dressed and go to the faculty for something work-related but alas, the repercussions of lying!!! So I dragged my tired ass out of bed and got myself dressed, took a bus, and safely hopped on the ferry when....;

*sms beeps*

Dr T: I am in *some God-forsaken place* now. We meet tomorrow morning, 9am.

FUCK!!! Now I am on my way to pointlessness!!! Had to then find a place to settle down and thank God I thought enough to bring my laptop along. Stuck at Starbucks, I called my brother and thank God he's night shift, which means he'd be driving to the island to work. 

Lesson #1: Don't lie!!!

Lesson #2: DON'T LIE!!!

Lesson #3: Tell the truth!!!

Lesson #4: TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH!!!

Lesson #5: Always confirm an appointment BEFORE you make the journey!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

Maybe I should change my blog settings to;

"The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults."