2020

FUCK, it's going to be 2020 in two days.

Let the next decade mark a turn in my life.

I feel it coming.

I'm SOO Thirsty

I am so thirsty these days..

-The End

Broke Up

The grand thing about daily meditation and vegetarianism is that somehow life prepares you for non-attachment.

Detached from romantic love.
Detached from money.
Remembering although your parents love you and you love them, they too will pass.
Remembering that wealth and even friends don't come with you to the afterlife.

I've had a love affair with something for 11 years now.

Recent events led me to uncover that I no longer care.

Because I don't want it anymore.

Subsequently, realising that the romanticised image no longer appeals to me.

And with that, that something I loved for 11 years, I finally don't anymore.

I shed a couple of tears for it and wrote this post to close the door behind me.

I'm sorry my loves, I don't love you guys anymore.

Nah, not talking about Mr. P.

I Realise I Miss One Thing

I miss cuddling with someone so close that his hair is touching my face that I can smell it.

I Guess I Care, Except #1

#1
I am brown from Malaysia and I don't watch Big Boss!

#2
If drag is mainstream, that means the world is fine. Momma, the world ain't never gonna be fine. - Brian Joseph McCook as Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, 2017

#3
I still get followed by pesky beauty assistants in every beauty store I walk into.

#4
I've spent my entire life fighting my nature. MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

#5
I became vegetarian a couple of months ago. Occasionally on eggs and twice a week dairy. I can count the number of times I've had meat the past year with just both my hands and with every single situation I forced myself because I'm a doting son.

#6
I'm reading the Bhagavad Gita; something I thought I would never get to until I was at least 50.

Since December 2016

Since December 2016, I've hated every single big life decisions I've made.

Regrets; that's all I've had the past three years.

Now more than ever, I wish I was straight and cis-gendered.

NOW more than ever.

Because life would have been so much, pun intended, straight forward if I was...

There are silver linings.

They do outweigh everything else.

But it's a shitty life to live for those silver linings.

It's ok.

There's still a sliver of hope that things might get better.

Just a sliver...

Mascara

Everyone who's loved makeup has had this memory...

Playing with their mom's or aunt's or even older sister's makeup. The difference with a girl and boy would be that the boy, more often than not, did it when no one was around.

I was once that boy. Both in my mom's and my aunt's makeup.

Now the tables have turned.

I have more makeup than my mom, that aunt, a couple more aunts and a couple of cousins put together do (perhaps even more).

Profound!

There was once all humans needed to survive was brute force.
Pit the average man against an average woman at that point of time. Undoubtedly the man wins and I guess, hence, he was paid more.

Think of the world now.
We all need a job to survive.
Now pit an average man against an average woman in a situation where brute strength was not necessary.
Who wins?
Neither.

Doesn't gender pay gap then seem simply archaic?

Profound isn't it?

I Remember Scents

Yesterday I was helping out with a charity project.
I sniffed a perfume one of the men was wearing and it brought me back to one of my hookups.

And that's me.

Scents bring me back to an impactful moment in life. I had a friends with benefits when I initially moved back from the capital city. He wore the exact same perfume. He wasn't particularly good in the sheets but he did hold me when I needed someone to cry. He was a short stout macho brown man and I liked that. He'd sit through my petty complaints, sometimes even for hours and that made a mark in my memory.

I would bump into him many times after we had called it quits. We'd only ever exchange a nodding cheeky grin. Not even a greeting.

He is married now. Yes, to a woman.

I'd Slap Me

If I went back in time and interacted with the child version of me, I would have gladly, GLADLY extended a nice tight slap across my face.

I thank God that there were people sent by God to do just that.

I hated it then but I now realise how imperative that has been.

I'd have done that....

....Even if I went back in time to interact with the teenager me.

.....Even the adult me.

.......Even the me 5 years ago...

I would have slapped me and slapped me hard ON THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coming Out

To me, the whole notion of 'coming out' when one is LGBTQIA+ is a privilege.

Some of us would rather be burdened than burden.

Of course there's a line.

I would never take someone down with me.

I Found Out Something

I just found out that there's such a thing as racial fetishism!

Maybe I have it?

Dark skin is just more attractive to me.

And it seems inherent. Not consciously attempting, I just am...

Doesn't matter the race though...

On that note, there's this South Indian actor I just rediscovered and, oh my God!

I am weak for this man! WEAK.......

His name is Aadhi! And he's so deliciously South Indian! OOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!

All three pictures are of the same man! Look at them thicc thighs!!!

His ass is FINE AF too! 

I wish someone would leak his nudes...

 Ouuugggghhhhhh........ *eyes rolling back into my head in ecstasy*

By the way, his eyelashes are EVERYTHING! Yes, his EYELASHES!!!

Worst of All

Not getting what you want is bad.

Not being able to attain something you want above all else is worse.

Not being able to attain something you want above all else, from no fault of your own is devastating.

Getting what you want above all else and having it taken away from you is gut-punching.

But you know what's worse than all that?

Getting what you want above all else and having it taken away from you without it being your fault.

Remember

There are more people in the world whose dreams don't ever come true than there are people whose dreams do come true.

But we live on.

Because that's life.

Really BITCH?

My profile picture for the app for sending instant messages via the Internet is a collage of three makeup looks I created.

An acquaintance I recently received a call from was confused if it was really me. She had previously dealt with technical difficulties on her technological device which rendered contact numbers on her list void.

Before her contact numbers could be retrieved, she called to remind me to attend an event and in the conversation that transpired, she came up with comments that tickled me into reality. These were her actual remarks when she couldn't figure out if it was actually me in the collage.

Plebeian acquaintance: "Are you a makeup artist"
J: No
Plebeian acquaintance: Then why are you wearing makeup? Are you a girl? You want to become a girl?
J: .........

And then I realised which part of the world I'm from.

Not that it changes ANYTHING!

Really, REALLY????

Why in GOD's EFFING name am I still dreaming about Mr. FUCKING P??????!!!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Mr. P

Ever since I've known him, I've always been the person to wish him within the first 30 mins after midnight. I always remembered. I always ALWAYS remembered.

Even in 2018 I did.

This year around, Facebook reminded me.

Happy New Year

I've always addressed the coming of the new year on Just Me.

Happy New Year J!

2018 was a mix of good and bad. More bad than good but not an exceptional year.

So good riddance. And here's welcoming 2019!

THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE AMAZING! I HAVE NO DOUBT!!!