Oh yea, I was hazed in my freshman year at university.
By all straight brown men in the privacy of a dorm room.
FOR OVER A MONTH!!!
ALMOST EVERY NIGHT!!!
And because I am scared of everything, I suffered it because I was told that I'd be otherwise alienated by the brown community.
And just typing this out is sending my anxiety through the roof!
SOOOO.........
I just went on my most popular social media and unfriended all involved!
And it was so cathartic!!!
Most of my best friends know the existence of Just Me.
However, I am aware not all read, follow or constantly keep themselves updated.
And guys, if you're reading this right now, no worries! Seriously! It's ok!
I completely understand if you guys don't. Some of you are married, in a relationship, have crazy jobs and schedules and really going through some tough situations. I don't want to pretend to comprehend your situations and so it's ok!
For those of you who decided to stop by to see how it's been going here or you just always read my entries. First of all, thank you. And second of all, this is probably the single most important post I've published here.
This post is just so you're eased into this revelation.
The last post I acknowledged a semblance of this was here...
https://hansondaren.blogspot.com/2017/06/im-no-man-i-aint-woman-either.html
So here it is...
I am non-binary.
This means I am not a cis-gendered male. Which also means I am transgender (which is an umbrella term for anyone that do not identify with their gender assigned at birth).
Did you know what exactly I felt typing that out...Imagine (if you were ever in love) the sweetest thing your SO did for you and felt that warm fuzzy feeling. Yes, that, I felt that.
Every time I visited a temple for about 3 or 4 years now. and felt like I may not belong because I wasn't a regular person, I tell myself with fierce fervour, "நான் திருநங்கை டா!!!" ("Naan thirunangai da!" translation, "I'm trans woman da!"). I only use the term trans woman because there isn't an equivalent in Tamil for a non-binary trans individual. And although I am not in a saree, or an Indian outfit catered to femininity, no one can tell me otherwise.
Now I just want to tell people I love and that I've previously come out to as gay.
My preferred pronouns are "they", "their", "them". Being called/referred to as "he/him/his" is just unthinkable to me now. I am not saying you all need to get this right, right away, but an attempt to try and use my preferred pronouns is highly appreciated.
Just Me had to be the first to know.
Now MORE than ever I am happy I have Just Me.
I am still gay as in I am still attracted to men. I believe that using the term gay when you're non-binary and assigned male at birth is valid.
No, I am not transitioning because everyone's trans experience is unique. If it's not too much for you to comprehend, not all trans women need to medically transition to make them a "qualified" trans women. Every trans experience is unique to the individual. All that said, I am not a trans woman and I also don't identify as a man. And even that does not make me any less transgender.
In safe spaces (which is basically nowhere in the country I live in) I'd totally wear makeup, heels and carry a purse. On a scale of Jonathan Van Ness to Conchita Wurst, I'd be right in the middle! And sometimes I might want to be Adam Lambert too! And I'd never wear skirts not least because I'm terrified of twirling and showing off more than I intend to. Chief of reasons, however, is not really liking it on me. And I say that from experience.
So about two years ago parents decided to consult an expert on Hindu astrology. Hindu astrology is based on the movement of the planets, the sun and the moon and how it affects individuals via date of birth, time of birth and name (Hindus, those who practice it anyway, name their children based on astrology). It was brought upon by me being in a rut and things not going my way.
This dude we went to consult is, and I'd wager my bottom dollar, QUEER!!!!!!!!!!!!! His mannerisms and the way he side eyed me the only way a bottom could to another bottom (where I'm from at least) re-instilled trust in my gaydar.
I digress.
So he goes on to look through my charts and says that I won't have anything too bad happen to me. Basically my life will be straight forward and would not face unforeseen tragedies.
And I was like. Ah..... I see.....
So...., mentally screwed up throughout my entire life because until recently I didn't admit to myself that I am non-binary.
Being called every possible name in both the national language and Tamil for derogatory gay and trans slurs.
A straight guy using you for sexual and life favours which included money, food, and helping him with at least half his degree which is feeding him right now, just to name a few.
A couple of suicide close calls.
Self inflicted wounds.
A closeted life.
Alcohol abuse.
Depression and anxiety that sent me to the ER.
Sexually teased and molested by a cousin at 15 (who's engaged to woman now).
None of that apparently counts in Hindu astrology.
And now, I call Hindu astrology BULLSHIT!
I simply cannot bring myself to believe, that MOST people in this world believe that God believes that a faction of human beings suddenly decided that, for the sole purpose of defying God's believes, started sleeping with people of the same sex.
I also simply cannot bring myself to believe, that MOST people in this world believe that God believes that a faction of human beings suddenly decided that, for the sole purpose of defying God's believes, began to act, feel and "want" to be a way everyone doesn't.
Do you think that we want to be gay, trans, or queer to oppose God???
Wait wait wait, you think we want???!!! As in we had a choice????
Ok ok ok.
You don't have to walk a mile in our shoes, you just need to step into it.
Step into it and you have no idea why simply acting how you want to makes the world start hating you.
Step into it and be told why you should act the way you should, right thereafter question your existence and subsequently be utterly perplexed why the world works in this excruciatingly inexplicable way.
Step into it and be confused why God thinks you shouldn't exist because all you're doing is simply being alive.
Step into it and you understand suicide (and an almost unmatched motivation for it especially if you're born into an unfavourable circumstance).
This is just a single queer person's rant. Just one single person.
A version of me is in an unhappy marriage and cheating on his wife.
A version of me died by suicide.
A version of me was killed in police brutality.
A version of me earns from sex trade and is likely carrying multiple venereal diseases.
A version of me is fighting for the LGBTQIA++ rights.
A version of me ran away from home at a young age.
A version of me has been disowned by his parents.
ALSO
A version of me is happily married to a man.
A version of me survived suicide and is now living a full life.
A version of me participated in a protest and has lived to tell the tale.
A version of me won a landmark decision for LGBTQIA++ people.
A version of me has parents that accepted her and now goes by **insert Indian woman name**.
A version of me has parents that have a son in law.
AND
A version of me is now living a life in secrecy but without any excitement of being who he is, writing an anonymous blog and acting like a hetero cis guy while doing something in life he loathes at the moment.
If only I'm allowed to be constantly be myself.
I am just imagining the world that would open me up to.
Even today I am reminded of the insufferably heteronormative, cisgender world I live in.
Questions of my "imminent" marriage, my singlehood and my so called should be planning for a wife cannot seem to elude my existence! Especially from older people who should probably just shut the f**k up!
So funny. All I've heard from ALL of my aunts is the constant, agonising complaints about their husbands and vice versa. And these people advocate marriage??!!!
I want to live in a world of my people.
A world where I can wear whatever and walk however I want to.
A world where I can put on a full face of makeup and walk in heels to a lovely vegan brunch restaurant with my friends.
A world where I can get up in the morning, meditate and then cook myself a lovely meal.
A world where I can create creatively and not face prosecution for it.
It exists.
I would have to travel there.
But I love my parents too much to entertain that notion.
And I guess that's the reason Just Me exists...
You see, whenever I came out to heteronormative cis-gendered men, the sheltered ones at least, the one constant feedback I got was...
"What??? You're telling me that you have no feelings whatsoever for a woman. So if a woman was to stand stark naked in front of you, you wouldn't have an erection?"
"So if you're physically close to a woman you don't feel funny? Like I see pictures of you and your friends hugging and all.... Nothing???"
"Have you watched porn? How is it when you watch porn?? You would just look at the men???"
"OMG! HOW??? I just can't..... HOW????"
"REALLY???"
"But you're a good looking guy! You'd get any girl you want!" (Well, you just gotta take my word for it now don't you? :P )
Imagine if they could live a day in our heads.
That would be my superpower. To make every homophobic, transphobic, queer-phobic individual I come across become the thing they are afraid of/they hate for ONE DAY! Just one day!
I got to thinking this because I finally let go of the fantasy that a clandestine Hogwarts School of Withcraft and Wizarding might exist somewhere.
JK Rowling is transphobic. It blew my mind because she apparently isn't homophobic. She is the quintessential manifestation of an oxymoron.
And it was funny because... going back to my initial statement... heteronormative cis-gendered women never had a problem with me being gay. They always had a problem when gender identity was brought up.
And I am way past separating the artist from the art even if it didn't reflect their trans/homo/queer-phobia.
Thank you.
Respect your elders they say.
They're older and wiser they say.
(Yes, say, because it is continuous.)
They're more experienced they say.
FUCK THEM!
I constantly see older people doing dumb things!
Bad manners.
Bad drivers.
Bad citizens.
Bad attitudes.
Bad intentions.
FUCK THAT!
If a younger person sees me doing something stupid I'd want him/her/them to tell me.
Have some manners, sure, but TELL ME!
Unless you're related, you call me by my name! I've told that to every acquaintance I've gotten to know NOT via my family.
Respect people who respect you!
*tongue pop...hair flip...finger snap...yasss mawma...OKURRRR*
"Find a way to get paid for doing what you love."
- Oprah Winfrey
Easier said than done OP-RAH!!!
Lucky are the ones who love their job!