:P

It has been a smooth and easy few days as I have been concentrating on nothing but my research and some catching up with friends. Cookies and Cakes will be down for the Chinese New Year holidays next week and I am looking forward to some quality time with him. His holidays stretch up to the 5th of February which would mean he has ample of time to spend time with the family AND Le Boyfren and I am sure some snug spot for me is due for a power tete-e-tete session. Just like we did before we last parted. I have got some good news (actually it is more of a confession and a good news) for him and boy is he either going to hit me hard or hug me for it. Soon that good news will be up here as well as I have been writing about it in succession on a draft post and when it is finished (which will be in probably about two weeks from now) I shall finally post it up.

Ok here's the deal, to date or not to date?

Leave Muscle Loaded aside, he's the one I plan to settle down on a deeper relationship but then again, I am feeling those occasional I-miss-human-flesh pangs again. Not like in the leather, dirty, whip and S&M Lady Gaga sorta way. What I meant was human flesh in a rather sunshiny, bright, yellow daisies manner; to hug and feel and laugh and talk so close that one can sniff the other's breath (OK, I agree, I painted too weird a picture).

There has been suitors, many of them but I've lost that adventurous side of me. Probably because like mentioned in my 'I Am...' column, having lost the will to lead a normal life would mean I have also lost the urge to find love. I could, if I wanted to, set up dates after dates to smooch men and in that course smooch enough to get one hooked up on me (they want to come back for more, they all always do). But I feel rather immature; rather dense, almost obtuse.

Going through men after men, trying to find a keep???

Nope, not for me.

But then again, I really REALLY do not want to be doomed to a glass of fine wine alone. It's nice to find someone to hog the bottle or to be able to hog the bottle, away from. Someone to find reasons to put on makeup and some perfume just to take everything off (except those two aforementioned) at the end of the day. Someone to buy you gifts you would probably cringe at and then give those cute cheeks each a peck for belonging to a thoughtful person (an incredibly stupid, thoughtful person) hopelessly in love with you. Someone whom tries his hand at charming you by taking you to a restaurant which you have checked out reviews on to be lousy but then again, seeing him optimistically ordering his favourites melts your hearts into pieces that all you can do is again, cradle him for being such an idiot.

I want a hopeless romantic.

Oy, Cookies and Cakes, you can *facepalm* anytime now...

CnC: Hdaran is such a hopeless romantic.
Hdaran: Huh, no lah!!! What do you mean by that anyway?
CnC: Yalah, all a person has to do to get to you is shower you with anything thoughtful. No need to be expensive but if he says he's been looking for this all day for you, that's it la... You will be like awwwww.......owwwww....... Very easy to get you smitten what!!!
Hdaran: nfrjlaf. kurang assam; gnajhdfkjfhvkfbnzljdkgn;gflakjgn; =.='''
CnC: What???
Hdaran: NOTHING!!!! :P

gfuendesfkjefblsifndehzslkvndeskgjkjzfem;zenjl**********nfekjrn;fslugh.skn.gjrns;ilnfe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The One About Muscle Loaded...

My latest possible romantic endeavour Muscle Loaded is being very difficult... Very difficult indeed!!!

Now, what's the deal with this person you may ask...
Ok, here's the 'hoe-down' (I hope that's how it's spelled)...

Muscle Loaded got acquainted with Hdaran during undergraduate days in the capital city. He came into Hdaran's life after Confused Gal's batch of students had entered the university; just when Mr. P had begun to grow fond of her. Hdaran and Muscle Loaded became close, close enough to call it undeclared love. The only reason Hdaran succumbed to this pseudo-relationship was because he was lonely. Mr. P had seemingly found his true love and started ignoring Hdaran, almost shoving Hdaran away from his life. Thank God Hdaran had Life Sized Comfort and Crazy Soldier to fall back on. It did not help, however, that Muscle Loaded and Hdaran were separated by the South China Sea. They had to fall back on keeping in touch through the phone and text messages. They met once. Things took a turn for the worse when Mr. P's pursuit of love did not go as planned with Confused Gal. Mr. P came running back to Hdaran for emotional cushion and comfort. Hdaran was trapped in blind love yet again. And when this was revealed to Muscle Loaded (Hdaran felt like he was two timing Mr. P and Muscle Loaded and it was not fair for either), Muscle Loaded swore to workout, become buff and promiscuous. That was almost a year and a half ago. Muscle Loaded did exactly what he set out to do and succeeded. The two did not keep in touch until December 16th 2010 when Hdaran sent Muscle Loaded a message through an old social networking site which died out.

Muscle Loaded is a lot like Mr. P. Short-tempered and a tad possessive. Indian, whose command of the English is below pre-school level; almost novice-like. Has the same skin tone and that very hairless body (I have seen pictures) like Mr. P. And shares the same mentality Mr. P does; preconceived social notions and conformities that I have tried my best to avoid. For example: people with multiple piercings and tattoos are mobs; you only consume alcohol (of any sort) to get drunk and being a regular club patron is a socially ill activity. Muscle Loaded hails from a small town from a small simple family. Is religious, pretty blindly I must say; this is a person who is promiscuous (unlike Mr. P; the Mr.P I used to know at least, because I know nothing about his predicament status quo), and thinks that it is justified with him being religious making up for it. That, to me, is hypocrisy personified right down to its bare essentials.

But unlike Mr. P, still has so much strong feelings for me that that possessiveness has started to show, and is obligatorily gay. He isn't a football player but there is a reason I named him Muscle Loaded. But what he makes up in love and affection, he loses out on shallow mindset and silly judgments.

ML: So do you still go clubbing.
Hdaran: Occasionally, ya, I do...
ML: OK. So you go there and get all drunk la??
Hdaran: Excuse me???
ML: Ya lah!!! You people will go to the clubs, drink, get all drunk and puke and create havoc. Good good!!!
Hdaran: Can I tell you that I am not that sort to do that. Yes, I probably did that like 4 years ago but I am not 22 anymore!!! For me, going to clubs recently has been more of savouring alcohol and dancing. You know, cocktails, smooth German beers, exquisite wine. Alcohol isn't only for sloshing you know. And going to the clubs isn't about drinking and getting wasted. It's a way of life. A social get-together with my friends. I like to savour my alcohol by the way. It is an art to be able to savour fine wine and good cocktails...
ML: You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art...

I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! When I mentioned this to Cookies and Cakes here was his reaction;

Hdaran: Muscle Loaded said these exact words to me when we were discussing whether I still frequent clubs or not. "You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art..."
CnC: Excuse me? All the dead great wine connoisseurs in the world would've turned in their graves. And Champagne would've gone bankrupt!!! And the Germans wouldn't be so rich producing so much Paulaners!!!
Hdaran: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Owh well, Cookies and Cakes also told me to take it slow. Muscle Loaded needs some time to grow and some influence I can evoke in him to see things from an elevated point of view. If not to justify getting drunk, to enjoy a margarita every now and then, the very least...

Sigh Muscle Loaded, I wish you were here next to me and see what I do these days with my life...

I Can Breath For The 1st Time, Since You Been Gone!!!

Kelly Clarkson

"Since U Been Gone"

Here's the thing we started out friends

It was cool but it was all pretend

Yeah yeah

Since U Been Gone

You dedicated you took the time

Wasn't long till I called you mine

Yeah Yeah

Since U Been Gone

And all you'd ever hear me say

Is how I pictured me with you

That's all you'd ever hear me say

But Since U Been Gone

I can breathe for the first time

I'm so moving on

Yeah, yeah

Thanks to you

Now I get

What I want

Since U Been Gone

How can I put it? You put me on

I even fell for that stupid love song

Yeah, yeah

Since U Been Gone

How come I'd never hear you say

I just wanna be with you

I guess you never felt that way

But Since U Been Gone

I can breathe for the first time

I'm so moving on

Yeah, yeah

Thanks to you

Now I get (I get) what I want

Since U Been Gone

You had your chance you blew it

Out of sight, out of mind

Shut your mouth I just can't take it

Again and again and again and again

Since U Been Gone

I can breathe for the first time

I'm so moving on

Yeah, yeah

Thanks to you (thanks to you)

Now I get, I get what I want

I can breathe for the first time

I'm so moving on

Yeah, yeah

Thanks to you (thanks to you)

Now I get (I get)

You should know (you should know)

That I get, I get what I want

Since U Been Gone

Since U Been Gone

Since U Been Gone

How did this woman know what I went through???

Introducing 'I am in LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' #2

Actually this should be #1 because I was in love with this hunky gorgeous man before Prabhas.

Oooooooooohhhhhh........... *Puts hands on the head*

*melts*

GRRRRRRRRR.........*faints*

again

VEL VEL!!!

I haven't slept well for days and I am exhausted... but wait, the fuss isn't over, it's Thaipusam and I am insomniac.

Thaipusam is the popularly celebrated religious festival which is sort of a homage paying ceremony to the Hindu deity Lord Muruga. Of all days, when dawn breaks, this is going to be a long, excruciating, stifling and tiring day. And I am a week behind in beauty time. Imagine the acne outbreaks waiting to happen on my skin. The horror!!!

There is this tradition in the extended family of mine, the paternal extended family that is. Involving mainly the youngest aunt (and family), eldest aunt (and family) and ours; an apartment is booked, and the entire stampede is  packed like a can of sardines in a two-rooms apartment. All in the nature of welcoming the holy day; and it does help that the gang gets to sorta, kinda, unwind and relax, away from the routines of daily life (repeat after this Hdaran, stop using clichéd phrases).

I am blogging from that very apartment now...

I don't know if it qualifies for a tradition, (a decade of this so called 'get-away' of sorts) but it certainly has been one that we all (at least most of us; Hdaran excluded) look forward to.

I am looking forward to Thaipusam on the island this year. Very simply because this will be the first that I am going to be writing about.

The horrific machas and their flashy outfits;
The dull colourless uncles; their unflattering pleated pants with eye hurting shoes;
The worse of fashion faux pas; men wearing their cell-phone as an accessory on their belts (and flash them as if it were cool).
The neatly and unflatteringly dressed KKVs (kudumbatte kutte vilakke, a.k.a typical homely Indian girl next village).
The outrageous so-called party gals whom usually wear flashy sarees and overdone makeup. Sometimes they score, mostly they're an eye-sore.
And best *sticks tongue out* of them all, the eccentric fashion paraders; these are a rare breed of the Thaipusam going gang of machas whom go one step further and turn up with very eye-catchy fashion statements. Almost runway worthy (yes, the circus could use a freak-show by the side don't they???), they come up with intriguing ideas from highlighting their beards and tying them up with colourful rubber bands to coming up with the most mind-boggling wardrobe match-up mankind has ever seen.

C'mon this has got to be fun!!!

Ok then, it's almost half-past three and we're heading to the temple.
Say it with me;
VEL VEL!!!!!!!!!!!!

We'll Be Together....

I swore to sleep early today but it didn't happen. A little tete-a-tete with Cookies and Cakes and some blogs reading later here I am, a shy 20 minutes away from 2am.

Screw the updates I wanted to simply let my feelings flow.

*sms beeps*

Confused Gal: Senior, snr P (Mr. P) n .... (a friend of Mr. P's) got .... (a training course for school teachers).
Hdaran: So?
Confused Gal: Juz fels like telin u snr tats al. Tc
Hdaran: K. Congratulate them both on my behalf.
Confused Gal: K snr. I tel tem. Tc n sory if I had disturbd u.

If you are wondering what the heck this Confused Gal person meant, here are some interpretations;

snr = abbreviation for 'senior'
fels= it's actually feel (or rather it should be felt)

Other short message service abbreviations are probably justified. And by the way this is her best. 'Their' best actually. And by 'their' I meant a huge lot of my university-mates, Mr. P, Fuck-A-Lot, Alcohol Pre-Presentation, Life Sized Comfort and the list goes on.

After that last reply, I had forgotten about the entire thing and it popped up just a minute ago. Funny, finally thoughts of the person I so desperately wanted to get rid off is now obsolete. I am sure nightmares would shake me to the bone if ever and whenever our paths crossed, but as long as that does not happen for the next year or so I think I am safe...

Cookies and Cakes is now 400 kms apart, just like when we were a year and a half back when I was still in university. He landed a job and is living in the apartment his dad formerly occupied and currently owns. If this was to have happened a few months ago I would've been devastated. I would've lost the person I cling on to so desperately for answers. But the fear has been lifted and I am happy to see him finally at a place where he wants to be. Financial independence has been (still is) the most desperate goal both of us share. I am just a little lagging because of the current ground I stand on. A student. Nonetheless, I shall finally get my financial freedom soon enough and soar to greater heights.

Although there is no saying where our roads will ultimately lead us (every cliché personified, I know) but fear of the unknown is something neither Cookies and Cakes nor I have ever succumbed to. In our own case, we find it to be the one thing we will always look forward to. Cautious maybe but not horrified. And as much as we plan to shop in Paris, dine in Tuscany and party in New York, all insatiable thoughts of jet-setting across the globe is somehow regressed by the fact that neither of us would have as much fun without the other.

And the conclusion is made, even if it was merely window shopping in the capital city, it would suffice. A maiden step, a milestone, one inch closer to France, Italy and America. The key word here is, together.

10 years ago we wondered where we would be.
10 years from now will remain an enigma for now.
But the obvious is that, Cookies and Cakes will always be just that to me, warm, comforting with platonic orgasms that fills my heart with zest!!!

Happy ******* Ponggal!!!!!!!

The saints and sages of the world swear that God puts His best through the worst.

I HAVE to be one of His best.

Let's recap, Diwali eve and until 5 pm Diwali day my wallet went missing...

Just about a month ago I fell into the drain and rendered me immobile for almost two weeks.

Just when that healed, I went through 2 days of severe diarrhea.

By this time I was already 5 kgs heavier due to very little physical activity.

If you clicked on 'severe diarrhea' earlier you would've already known that right after that the flu attacked.

I recovered from the flu earlier this week and started jogging again.

Today is the Ponggal festival.

The Indian harvest and thanksgiving festival.

I am down with diarrhea today and if that isn't enough, my anal canal hurts. Imagine running some spicy liquid through an open wound. That's what I feel every time I pass number 2 in the lavatory.

Man, God must really love me.

I am gonna get myself checked on Monday.

This has to stop because today also happens to be my first odissi class after the December break; which I obviously missed.

Happy Ponggal to all my Indian readers and to Hdaran!!!

Shoot Me!!!

What is it with some people and their serious lack of self-control???

Lack of self control is human being's worst vice.

Lack of control over mind and matter...

Infidelity,

Misjudgment,

Presumption,

Blowing one's own horn,

Anger mis-management,

Addictions (how self-incriminating!!!),

Procrastination (maybe I should stop now...)

And all these vices lead to destructive semblances...

And there are people to justify their erroneous acts...

Wishful it would be to change everyone...

But all most people need to be is a little bit more thoughtful...

It is all a simple act of self-control (shit, now I am like the mother crab!!!)

-Hdaran

I should just shoot myself!!!

You Call It Experience, I Call It Crap!!!

I recall Cookies and Cakes' words when I first started blogging.

"Write only when you feel like writing and when you have something important to vent out."

I stick by these words, never once conforming to typicalities, never weakened by opposing norms, never quite adapting the 'crowd pleasing' facade I so religiously adhere to and portray when it comes to my real life.

I abhorred myself for never being able to seek and pursue what I truly wished to do/own. But self pity would get one no where. So I've learnt.

"Forget what you have done or haven't done, that you wanted to or did not want to do. You are here, right now at this very moment. Make the best out of it. Do it like you mean it and do it well."

The woman had a knack for motivation and even with the monotonous tones of her voice, her aura always flows with exuberance if ever and whenever she is lecturing. An educator from my undergraduate days. Again, powerful words which surprisingly gave me the zeal to stick to my fate and turn it into opportunities. Surprising because these were words from a woman whom I ritually met and listened to, but was nothing more than a total stranger to me otherwise. You'd think that something as compelling would've/should've come from someone I take to for advice, like my parents or my friends.

In the past week or so certain happenings in life have turned me towards counting my blessings and realising that I am exactly where I need to be if not want to be.

#1 Cooked dinner with Sincere Inadequacy. Menu: Rassam (a hearty Indian soup made with tamarind juice and loads of herbs and spices) and a stir-fried chicken dish (tossed with an onion-and-tomato gravy base courtesy of my grandmother; loads of spices, herbs, dried chilly powder and curry powder).

Lesson learnt: Nil but Cookies and Cakes owes me a cookout!

#2 GJ Kind Boy fell into a drain (a smaller drain as when compared to my mishap) the very same day he passed his masters degree (passed with condition; errors to be rectified). 

Lesson learnt: Don't blame God and fate; sometimes you just got to be on the lookout. And nothing good can come from too much of a good thing in a day. More importantly, always park away from the drainage system.

#3 Gj Kind Boy and myself almost got hit by a lorry. We were in GJ Kind Boy's car. Totally not our fault!!!

Lesson learnt: If you don't die then stop worrying about a close encounter. If you die then, you die!!! I already always live like there's no tomorrow..... Wait, let me rephrase that, I don't worry about tomorrow these days; too much stress.

#4 Cookies and Cakes finally secured a job in the capital city. 

Lesson learnt: Just wait for it!!! After all, we wait for every thing else in life.. ('Good things come to those whom wait for it'; pufffffttttttt!!!!!!!!!! how bloody clichéd.)

#5 Funny Architect is separated from his degree by one redundant course which he flunked forcing him to return to the island every week from Land of The Machas; approximately 400 kms apart.

Lesson learnt: Only when life is not fair, you realise life is not fair.

#6 Details from Cookies and Cakes; Stylish Mistress was under a spell by Kick-ass Critter disabling her to leave the verbally abusive and adulterous man. A church visit spared her of the spell and presented her with the details.

Lesson learnt: You see, even if religious views can fuck up one's sex life, it can also save one's real life.

#7 Finally started jogging and eating healthy again.

Lesson learnt: It's an addiction!!! And the best yet!!!

PS: Just when I thought I was ready to give up nicotine addiction I started watching Sex and The City, the series. Curse SJP!!! I am hooked on to Marlboro Lights now!!!

3 Weeks!!!

How can one be plagued three weeks in a row...

Just when my leg started healing and I started resuming my jogs.

I fell ill with diarrhea...

And just when that was getting alright, sore-throat kicks in and that always brings more joy; flu, fever, cough, phlegm...

Euuuggghhhh!!!!!

Image Source: The Daily Bites

I Am Indian, I Speak Tamil, English and Malay...

The English language. Why the whole putting-it-up-on-a-pedestal fuss???

Premature conclusion: Hdaran is one of those native-tongue rights' and grandeur activist whose sole life's purpose is to spread the good word and works of his mother tongue.
Immature conclusion: Fuck this guy!!!
Pure dumbness: What is pedestal?

My point is.........wait, why did I start writing this???

Oh alright, back on track.

My point is, yes, its widespread and importance is so prevalent that we're almost coerced to learn this language that developed through other languages. And yes, I am writing this in English, which would be probably politically incorrect of me to mock the language. Which I definitely intend to not do!!! Moreover, I am neither self-incriminating nor am I immature (at least I think I'm not).

There is this thing called balance; you're are good at somethings and you stink at others.

Again, my point...... my point is.....

*scratches head*

Ah..... just because one has no good command of the language does not makes him/her any less human. Right??? True, I have been one to mock people whose grip of the English language was good as holding on to wriggling eel out of the water.
I HAVE been.
What a little wisdom can do...

*applauds*

Talk to a Tamil language expert about English language rhetorics; you would get what being stupid is. YOU, not him/her. To look for a fish you have to swim in a pond not scout the desert (seems to be turning into an aquatic affair; first eel now this???).

My point is..........my point......

*taps fingers on chin*

Ah, yes, misjudgment is hand-in-hand with being presumptuous. Assuming, prematurely, from mere command of the English language that a person is unworthy of any form of use is sheer stupidity. With the same, aforementioned person, try debating the works of Kamban vs Valmiki and you would still end up being the one lacking ingenuity!!!

And we hail the Japanese for their high speed bullet trains and their reading habits; the whole lot speaks very poor English (thanks to a certain Japanese girl I got acquainted with)!!!

Again, my point is, my point..........................

*grits teeth*

Oh , right, the English language is a great tool, and so far a great means to worldwide communication. Treat like such! It's just a tool!!! No need to badger someone because their parentage and education background weren't conducive to learning/speaking English. They probably speak other language(s) better than you do. Likewise, in their rights, they could say that even the beggars in London speak the language (I wouldn't know if there were any, I've never been to London; I was just trying to draw an analogy).

And then we have the other extremes; the ones whom hero worship their native tongue. Same arguments, different scenario. Its a bloody fucking communication tool. Of course being revered is acceptable but to hero worship it like one should be dead being Tamil and not speak the language, or physically wounded being Chinese and not know the difference between ma (horse) and ma (mom) in Mandarin, is just appalling. If one can speak the language, one should go ahead and speak it. If one loves the language, yes, if possible one could attempt to acquire legal papers to affirm his/her holy matrimony to it. One shouldn't (at least I think one shouldn't) go around making a fool of oneself because his/her efforts to exercise self-restrain is as fragile as an avalanche waiting for a pin to drop.

It's nice to vent once in a while...

My point; its a free world (well, for the most part at least), as long as you don't go running around naked (which would be acceptable in some African tribes and likewise in some top notch beaches), or worse flashing to poor passers-by (Cookies and Cakes, I can see your face cringing right now), one is free to divulge in anything harmless to the people and nature around them (oy, all that argument for this one bloody conclusion, I should get a life, or better yet, a boyfriend).

PS: For some strange reason I 'Google'd fishy smell and the revolting results were 'Q's and 'A's for 'vjj's smelling like fish!!! Not so aquatic... God forbid me to ever 'Google' something like that again!!!

From 31st of December Till Now

2nd January 2011

My cell phone took a walk to never come back again. Actually, the last I saw the gadget was when I placed it on the car to ease my feet into my shoes. I guess, me being the oblivious mind-straying self, drove off from the porch without the slightest of idea that it was there. By the way, Hdaran is pretty well-known among the family members to be forgetful and careless; something that Hdaran has come to accept of himself. Especially when his thoughts are torn apart with priorities after priorities shouting for attention!

3rd January 2011

Terrible food poisoning coupled with gastric pains and diarrhea. The whole day was a total waste with tonnes of due lab work to settle and journals to sort out; none of it being tend to.

The year started with a bang and is progressing to be tough. Nevertheless, it is very much promising.

Talking about 2011 and the New Year, I have to have an account of my New Year celebration. My best of friends were gathered under one roof, with the exception of the few geographically separated. Cookies and Cakes (and boyfriend), Metro Me, GJ Kind Boy, Sincere Inadequacy, Sportsy Donna, a few close friends; Candy Skirt, Femme Close-To Fatale, and a few newfound acquaintances, one worth mentioning would be Profanities Aloud. It was the usual sloshing, hugging, pleasantries exchanging, dancing and laughing. Nothing groundbreaking. No buts.

However, (of course there was some reason to be blabbing away about my New Year's Eve party) Cookies and Cakes sloshed and sloshed he did. Puked, wasted and helpless, for the third time (twice last year; and the first this year) I drove him drunk, in the passenger seat, back home. I pitied Metro Me who was looking forward to a decent night out; more frivolity and less spontaneity. Tried sneaking off every now and then to rest my anxiety that he might snap, not being amused by how the night turned out to be. The hungry metro man was also spotted yawning and frowning having outgrown loud music and wild dancing. Truth be told, I myself wanted to be flashing my style, my well made-up face, a new tote and a new wallet finished with intriguing conversations. Owh well, one did not want to be a party-pooper that night AND it does help that one enjoys dancing.

I remember being in the presence of two sleeping men, me looking over them in 2009 (get your mind out of the gutter!!!) and driving home my two best friends took me back to that starry night sky. I have missed people needing me; I have missed looking over someone close to me. That longing was curbed for the people most deserving of my care and concern are the people whom are willing to part just that much to me.

So The Year Starts!!!

2011 didn't even commence and good news after good news were pouring in!!!

My MSc. is back on track and God-willing will graduate this year...

Back to jogs losing weight, healthy diets etc...

A Kaufmann wallet from Sincere Inadequacy and a good New Year's eve party.

A good New Year's day and dinner.

Lots of friends and family.

A possible new romantic endeavour, Muscle Loaded.

And good things to look forward to.

One bad thing is that I've picked up a paper bundle of tobacco and nicotine but one shall strive to get rid of it...

HAPPY 2011!!!