I still miss him...
Not in the sad depressed sort of way but in a more, I wish 'WE' hadn't been beyond not salvageable. Not that I am hoping for it to ever happen again.
I drove down to his grandmother's place earlier, just to re-visit that place where I had been come part of his family...
The front passenger seat of my parents' car which I drove down had previously been heated by the warmth of his buttock. How that drove me nuts when I used to think about it over a year ago... He always, ALWAYS took the privilege of having that seat despite me having driven other friends of ours in that car.
All that seems so distant.
I never expected him to be in my past...
Turns out, his family misses me. I was told by my neighbour from my current aboding varsity that he knows Mr. P.
This happened over a week ago.
It seems that this neighbour's girlfriend knows Mr. P's family. How that connects; the details are very vague. But he told me to get in touch with Mrs. GE (a.k.a Mr. P's mom). He also ended the conversation like this; 'rindu kat u kot' - maybe she misses you...
When I hear things like this, all I can do is stare at blank space reminiscing whatever memories we have had together, take a deep breath and smile followed by a faint giggle.
You don't just rid of all the memories you've had with a person you spent 1 and half years of your life together with, practically 24/7. Moreover if you have loved him/her.
All you can do is carry them with you scattering a little away as time goes by hoping that one day you may empty that baggage and find a new one to fill memories with...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My 100th Post Goes: Someone Slap Me, Please!!!
I hate it when plans are cancelled, made, re-cancelled and re-made again!!!
Was supposed to go down to the capital city, that got cancelled when I had to drive mom down to Batu Caves. Then that got cancelled because my brother was suffering from a possible gastro-intestinal infection. I could've made that trip down to the capital city anyway but The High Priestess insisted that I wait for the outcome of my brother's condition and today, lo and behold, I am driving down mom to Batu Caves after all. When the Batu Caves trip was almost cancelled, I thought to myself, great, at least I wouldn't miss my dance class but yet again, today I find out that plans have been made to leave prior to my dance class! Fabulous!
*rolls eyes*
I am exhausted! Mentally; trying to boost myself because I thought I'd be missing a concert that I wanted to go to with the fact I wouldn't miss my dance classes and then now, I have to pick myself up again because I had already programmed in my mind that missing my dance class wasn't worth it. Before I could catch my breath, boom, I am probably attending the concert again when I had already confirmed my attendance for class with my trainer.
Just a gist of the all known 'all in a days work' notion.
Whilst in Heartbreak-ville, Wink N U'll Know's relationship (only because the man actually says 'I love you' unlike Mr. P) with the straight man (refer to The Characters on Optimistic Always) is at the edge. Worse; the character in question is possibly jealous of me because Wink N U'll Know and myself exchange a lot of friendly pleasantries on two popular online social network sites. Great!!! Just great!!!
Worst of all, I have been neglecting my research. My sleeping pattern is all over the place again and I seem to be snoozing and getting up at odd hours. This, in turn, has made me miss going to the lab in the mornings when I obviously should be inching towards the end of my work. If things weren't bad enough, the protocols I have been using has seen a slight glitch forcing me to look through more research papers, books and techniques to modify them.
If there was one thing I prayed for, it was that I'd forget my past and move on. I finally have, and I know it but the future seems tiring! I am already feeling knocked down by this and God I am still in my twenties! What's to become in the future? When I finally own my place? Start making payments? Tend to my ageing parents? All while trying make my career work for me and with me? *deep breath*
Say it to yourself Hdaran;
"Aummmmmm....... Aummmmmm........... AUMMMMMMMM...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crap, even that doesn't work anymore.
Ok then, back to being hectic again!
I think I need motivation of a biblical proportion, probably one that involves Abraham Lincoln as head of a cheer-leading squad; with Mahatma Gandhi and Lao Tzu on the team!
HELP ME, SLAP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
Was supposed to go down to the capital city, that got cancelled when I had to drive mom down to Batu Caves. Then that got cancelled because my brother was suffering from a possible gastro-intestinal infection. I could've made that trip down to the capital city anyway but The High Priestess insisted that I wait for the outcome of my brother's condition and today, lo and behold, I am driving down mom to Batu Caves after all. When the Batu Caves trip was almost cancelled, I thought to myself, great, at least I wouldn't miss my dance class but yet again, today I find out that plans have been made to leave prior to my dance class! Fabulous!
*rolls eyes*
I am exhausted! Mentally; trying to boost myself because I thought I'd be missing a concert that I wanted to go to with the fact I wouldn't miss my dance classes and then now, I have to pick myself up again because I had already programmed in my mind that missing my dance class wasn't worth it. Before I could catch my breath, boom, I am probably attending the concert again when I had already confirmed my attendance for class with my trainer.
Just a gist of the all known 'all in a days work' notion.
Whilst in Heartbreak-ville, Wink N U'll Know's relationship (only because the man actually says 'I love you' unlike Mr. P) with the straight man (refer to The Characters on Optimistic Always) is at the edge. Worse; the character in question is possibly jealous of me because Wink N U'll Know and myself exchange a lot of friendly pleasantries on two popular online social network sites. Great!!! Just great!!!
Worst of all, I have been neglecting my research. My sleeping pattern is all over the place again and I seem to be snoozing and getting up at odd hours. This, in turn, has made me miss going to the lab in the mornings when I obviously should be inching towards the end of my work. If things weren't bad enough, the protocols I have been using has seen a slight glitch forcing me to look through more research papers, books and techniques to modify them.
If there was one thing I prayed for, it was that I'd forget my past and move on. I finally have, and I know it but the future seems tiring! I am already feeling knocked down by this and God I am still in my twenties! What's to become in the future? When I finally own my place? Start making payments? Tend to my ageing parents? All while trying make my career work for me and with me? *deep breath*
Say it to yourself Hdaran;
"Aummmmmm....... Aummmmmm........... AUMMMMMMMM...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crap, even that doesn't work anymore.
Ok then, back to being hectic again!
I think I need motivation of a biblical proportion, probably one that involves Abraham Lincoln as head of a cheer-leading squad; with Mahatma Gandhi and Lao Tzu on the team!
HELP ME, SLAP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Regret
What truly is 'regret'?
That time when you missed your favourite dance recital because you decided your family could use you around?
OR
That pair of one of a kind Blahnik you missed because you were planning to pay for your beloved's Valentine's gift?
Is it justified to say that we regret when we could have gone back in time and change some things in our past? Or is 'regret' a term for self consolation? What does regretting truly entail?
I for one have my own specifically designed take on the idea. For me, regret is when some misjudgment, in the past has got repercussions in the present. And when the repercussions become ceaseless, recurring at every path you take and at every corner you turn, a pang of anguish manifests. Regret.
I regret but one thing in life, falling in love with thewrong person unattainable person.
When your life seems to still be effected by that one moment when you surrendered, you regret.
But then again, I have also realised that try as might, I would never be able to shake off the feeling that I am inadequate in so many other aspects of my life that could have been better have I been stronger. Not that I am passing over my own achievements but to know that capabilities are somewhat restrained by mere redundancies I stop to think that maybe regret is the only way I can sum things up. Self consolation perhaps?
Would I go back in time and change it? Even I cannot seem to find an answer for that. True; to suffer a physical wound is far more palatable than to survive a broken heart. Not all of us get second chances and the foresight to see how the 'yes' and the 'no' may unfold (speaking solely on clairvoyant abilities) and we never (at least in the realms of logic and science) get a 'do-over' because there is no turning back time. Even if it does exist, our memories and experiences are only as good as the moment they get, voluntarily or involuntarily, deleted. Still the answer seems like an enigma; I am clueless if I would've been just as pleased with my life 'if'.
Regret.
So far, only one in my life.
I have reasoned every other miss.
Sometimes it's just best to left the unanswered, unanswered.
Indifference and ignorance are, in this case our best bet because......
Who would ever know 'if'?
Trying to decipher it would leave us back where we started.
That time when you missed your favourite dance recital because you decided your family could use you around?
OR
That pair of one of a kind Blahnik you missed because you were planning to pay for your beloved's Valentine's gift?
Is it justified to say that we regret when we could have gone back in time and change some things in our past? Or is 'regret' a term for self consolation? What does regretting truly entail?
I for one have my own specifically designed take on the idea. For me, regret is when some misjudgment, in the past has got repercussions in the present. And when the repercussions become ceaseless, recurring at every path you take and at every corner you turn, a pang of anguish manifests. Regret.
I regret but one thing in life, falling in love with the
When your life seems to still be effected by that one moment when you surrendered, you regret.
But then again, I have also realised that try as might, I would never be able to shake off the feeling that I am inadequate in so many other aspects of my life that could have been better have I been stronger. Not that I am passing over my own achievements but to know that capabilities are somewhat restrained by mere redundancies I stop to think that maybe regret is the only way I can sum things up. Self consolation perhaps?
Would I go back in time and change it? Even I cannot seem to find an answer for that. True; to suffer a physical wound is far more palatable than to survive a broken heart. Not all of us get second chances and the foresight to see how the 'yes' and the 'no' may unfold (speaking solely on clairvoyant abilities) and we never (at least in the realms of logic and science) get a 'do-over' because there is no turning back time. Even if it does exist, our memories and experiences are only as good as the moment they get, voluntarily or involuntarily, deleted. Still the answer seems like an enigma; I am clueless if I would've been just as pleased with my life 'if'.
Regret.
So far, only one in my life.
I have reasoned every other miss.
Sometimes it's just best to left the unanswered, unanswered.
Indifference and ignorance are, in this case our best bet because......
Who would ever know 'if'?
Trying to decipher it would leave us back where we started.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Theirs Was A Perfect Marriage (A Fiction by Hdaran)
No one really knew why Shanthi had messed up her life. A mother of two she was the epitome of a perfect Indian housewife. In between managing the notorious duo, Suman and Nikhil, Shanthi oozed radiance from her every pore. Never a frown, never a complaint, never once did the husband say, "the coffee is too sweet", or "my towel needs replacing"; the need never arose. Shanthi never left anything unattended to. Their's was a neat, tidy and pleasantly designed home; one that would make magazine covers any day.
Proud of her upbringing Shanthi's mother always took pride in hastening people over to Shanthi's place.
"Seven o'clock, your aunty Kamala wants a look at how you re-did your prayer alter," her mom always called an hour earlier. Never later, never sooner. Always just an hour. And always with relatives.
"Ok ma, Rishi will be back from work just in time for the evening prayers. Aunty can join us and I have some vadais frying in the pan," she always obliged, in a happy tone even.
"Wonderful!!! Appa sends his love too," much to her delight, Shanthi always appreciated 'love' from her father. The steadfast BA English graduate earned his degree way back in 1965.
"Thanks amma. See you in an hour," so sublimely structured; the mother-daughter conversation never steered far. It was almost picture perfect; right out of a translated, well written Bollywood script.
Suman turned 12 years old that year, Nikhil was three years behind. Shanthi and Rishi planned the pregnancy only after three years into their marriage. Suman was two years old when the couple celebrated their 5th anniversary. Rishi never forgot their anniversary and Shanthi always cooked her husband's favorite dishes. Rishi always came back with flowers never lacking an accompanying piece of jewelery or a saree and Shanthi always managed to put the children to bed on time on that one night; no exceptions. Rishi never worked the day after their anniversary and Shanthi always slipped into her finest Indian ensemble for the night, complete with bangles, earrings, necklace and three spurts of her best; most intoxicating perfume.
That year, at 12 years of age, Suman lost his mother.
At 65 'appa' lost his youngest.
At 38 Rishi lost his wife.
At 37, Shanthi lost her will to live.
That year, Shanthi plunged to her death from the 12th floor right out of the lawyer's office.
She was present there to sign some legal papers regarding Rishi's assets.
The family lawyer had proved his alibi because he was spotted by no less than 12 other witnesses outside his office collecting some documents. Concurrently, the same no-less-than-12 people heard the window breaking and some hurried in to the office to find Shanthi absent. The office was searched for evidence; all leading to one conclusion.
Shanthi committed suicide.
A family was lost.
The portrait of perfection was shattered.
Her doing was unfathomable.
But there stood one suggestion of the contrary; one which was not to be found until years later.
Underneath her perfect life, and her perfect family, in a perfect teak cupboard that stored her perfect pristine white bedsheets, underneath exactly 10 layers of 1000 thread count Egyption cotton sheets, there, laid an imperfect picture.
A flat jewelery casing containing a faded yellow thread, bearing a familiar gold pendant. The pendant, sacred to married Hindu women, was a 'mangalyam', and not that of her husband Rishi's.
Proud of her upbringing Shanthi's mother always took pride in hastening people over to Shanthi's place.
"Seven o'clock, your aunty Kamala wants a look at how you re-did your prayer alter," her mom always called an hour earlier. Never later, never sooner. Always just an hour. And always with relatives.
"Ok ma, Rishi will be back from work just in time for the evening prayers. Aunty can join us and I have some vadais frying in the pan," she always obliged, in a happy tone even.
"Wonderful!!! Appa sends his love too," much to her delight, Shanthi always appreciated 'love' from her father. The steadfast BA English graduate earned his degree way back in 1965.
"Thanks amma. See you in an hour," so sublimely structured; the mother-daughter conversation never steered far. It was almost picture perfect; right out of a translated, well written Bollywood script.
Suman turned 12 years old that year, Nikhil was three years behind. Shanthi and Rishi planned the pregnancy only after three years into their marriage. Suman was two years old when the couple celebrated their 5th anniversary. Rishi never forgot their anniversary and Shanthi always cooked her husband's favorite dishes. Rishi always came back with flowers never lacking an accompanying piece of jewelery or a saree and Shanthi always managed to put the children to bed on time on that one night; no exceptions. Rishi never worked the day after their anniversary and Shanthi always slipped into her finest Indian ensemble for the night, complete with bangles, earrings, necklace and three spurts of her best; most intoxicating perfume.
That year, at 12 years of age, Suman lost his mother.
At 65 'appa' lost his youngest.
At 38 Rishi lost his wife.
At 37, Shanthi lost her will to live.
That year, Shanthi plunged to her death from the 12th floor right out of the lawyer's office.
She was present there to sign some legal papers regarding Rishi's assets.
The family lawyer had proved his alibi because he was spotted by no less than 12 other witnesses outside his office collecting some documents. Concurrently, the same no-less-than-12 people heard the window breaking and some hurried in to the office to find Shanthi absent. The office was searched for evidence; all leading to one conclusion.
Shanthi committed suicide.
A family was lost.
The portrait of perfection was shattered.
Her doing was unfathomable.
But there stood one suggestion of the contrary; one which was not to be found until years later.
Underneath her perfect life, and her perfect family, in a perfect teak cupboard that stored her perfect pristine white bedsheets, underneath exactly 10 layers of 1000 thread count Egyption cotton sheets, there, laid an imperfect picture.
A flat jewelery casing containing a faded yellow thread, bearing a familiar gold pendant. The pendant, sacred to married Hindu women, was a 'mangalyam', and not that of her husband Rishi's.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Just One Freaking AM With One Freaking Movie!!!
I was supposed to be in bed 5 hours ago.
*writing pauses for about a minute*
I looked down at the pack of Marlboro Lights which still had a few sticks left in it. I bought it only a couple of hours ago. I took out one stick and left it aside. I looked down on the Marlboro Lights again.
"I don't love you anymore," the words formed in my head.
"But i'll go through the ordeal one last time before I say goodbye to you forever."
I chewed on two apples earlier, remains of which were on my table on a piece of cardboard I tore off from the box of 'INDOCAFE Coffeemix I bought yesterday. I looked at them and then at my Marlboro Lights yet again.
I paused.
"Do you really want to do this?" my head asked me.
"YES!" loud and clear, I heard my heart telling me.
I stuffed the leftover apples in the box with the rest of the remaining cigarettes. And closed the box. And then lighted up the one cigarette I placed aside right after I typed the aforementioned '*writing pauses for about a minute*'.
Earlier today, a few things happened that brought me back to the times I was doomed to a mattress in my living room; mosquitoes biting me, parents constantly yapping away about how my studies was still hanging, uncertain about my future, trying to get over Mr. P, trying to sleep with the dog howling outside like there's no tomorrow, trying to lose weight in the midst of all this happening, helping out my brother with his relationship, accommodating my possible future sister-in-law even if I didn't want to, trying to smoke every opportunity I get because that was the one thing that made me relax, trying not to feel like my life is hopeless, trying to hope that God would come to my rescue soon, wishing that I may be hit by a lorry and die so that I wouldn't feel anymore pain, crying nights out because I still missed Mr. P, worrying that my family may never get out of the financial crisis that they were going through, hoping that my best friend wouldn't give up on me, still wishing that I could have gender reassignment surgery and one day be re-united with Mr. P (even if it means him cheating on his future wife), constantly wondering why I was put through this...
And then I hit 7-Eleven, bought two cans of beer which I downed within five minutes and a pack of Marlboro Lights. All along the way to the outlet, I was talking to myself that I don't deserved to be put through this and trying to figure out if the nicotine addiction will still be prevalent when I am stressed.
When I came back, I caught up with a few friends over messenger, watched some YouTube videos and tried to get back to sleep.
I failed to snooze.
An hour later, I watched a few more videos on YouTube and realised I still couldn't sleep.
So I clicked on 'Computer', double-clicked on Local Disk (E:), double-clicked on the folder 'movies' and browsed through for something to get me through the night.
I realised why the night was not easy. I was alone. My room-mate had gone back to his hometown; his company would have kept me away from the tobacco.
There was one movie in particular I kept putting off watching for so long. I had this movie in my laptop for several months now. According to GJ Kind Boy, it was a sad movie.
I didn't want to take chances. I 'Google'd it for reviews. After finding a critic review of the movie, I thought, why not. So I did.
The packet of Marlboro Lights (or any other label for the matter) saw it's end after the movie ended and when I started typing this.
It is strange how this was all planned. This movie that I've always clicked on only to turn off because I thought I could not handle it. This movie, sitting so long in my folder never once played through, never once made to the end, now it has. Why now? Why this particular moment?
PS, I love you was a movie about letting go and moving on.
About losing a loved one and helping yourself get through it.
About how the worst of things can turn into silver linings.
About how when a door closes, a window indeed opens somewhere.
About how even though you may have lost a part of you, piecing it back together is possible.
About how even if you piece yourself back together and it doesn't look so good, you would still admire it because YOU pieced it back together.
PS I love you was nothing like what I went through.
But PS I love you taught me to stand back and see how I have already pieced myself together.
2008, August, my life became a mess.
2009, August and thereafter I was a mess.
2010 August I was still a mess.
2011 February I was not done being a mess but I was a mess put so well together that I admired it.
I picked up after me and glued my existence together. I threw out all the parts that did not fit and replaced it with compatible ones. They were not necessarily new, but they fit.
This fresh Hdaran might very well break again but practice makes perfect. Piecing should be easier the next time around.
PS Marlboro Lights ended up in the dustbin like a one time shot I could never miss!!!
*writing pauses for about a minute*
I looked down at the pack of Marlboro Lights which still had a few sticks left in it. I bought it only a couple of hours ago. I took out one stick and left it aside. I looked down on the Marlboro Lights again.
"I don't love you anymore," the words formed in my head.
"But i'll go through the ordeal one last time before I say goodbye to you forever."
I chewed on two apples earlier, remains of which were on my table on a piece of cardboard I tore off from the box of 'INDOCAFE Coffeemix I bought yesterday. I looked at them and then at my Marlboro Lights yet again.
I paused.
"Do you really want to do this?" my head asked me.
"YES!" loud and clear, I heard my heart telling me.
I stuffed the leftover apples in the box with the rest of the remaining cigarettes. And closed the box. And then lighted up the one cigarette I placed aside right after I typed the aforementioned '*writing pauses for about a minute*'.
Earlier today, a few things happened that brought me back to the times I was doomed to a mattress in my living room; mosquitoes biting me, parents constantly yapping away about how my studies was still hanging, uncertain about my future, trying to get over Mr. P, trying to sleep with the dog howling outside like there's no tomorrow, trying to lose weight in the midst of all this happening, helping out my brother with his relationship, accommodating my possible future sister-in-law even if I didn't want to, trying to smoke every opportunity I get because that was the one thing that made me relax, trying not to feel like my life is hopeless, trying to hope that God would come to my rescue soon, wishing that I may be hit by a lorry and die so that I wouldn't feel anymore pain, crying nights out because I still missed Mr. P, worrying that my family may never get out of the financial crisis that they were going through, hoping that my best friend wouldn't give up on me, still wishing that I could have gender reassignment surgery and one day be re-united with Mr. P (even if it means him cheating on his future wife), constantly wondering why I was put through this...
And then I hit 7-Eleven, bought two cans of beer which I downed within five minutes and a pack of Marlboro Lights. All along the way to the outlet, I was talking to myself that I don't deserved to be put through this and trying to figure out if the nicotine addiction will still be prevalent when I am stressed.
When I came back, I caught up with a few friends over messenger, watched some YouTube videos and tried to get back to sleep.
I failed to snooze.
An hour later, I watched a few more videos on YouTube and realised I still couldn't sleep.
So I clicked on 'Computer', double-clicked on Local Disk (E:), double-clicked on the folder 'movies' and browsed through for something to get me through the night.
I realised why the night was not easy. I was alone. My room-mate had gone back to his hometown; his company would have kept me away from the tobacco.
There was one movie in particular I kept putting off watching for so long. I had this movie in my laptop for several months now. According to GJ Kind Boy, it was a sad movie.
I didn't want to take chances. I 'Google'd it for reviews. After finding a critic review of the movie, I thought, why not. So I did.
The packet of Marlboro Lights (or any other label for the matter) saw it's end after the movie ended and when I started typing this.
It is strange how this was all planned. This movie that I've always clicked on only to turn off because I thought I could not handle it. This movie, sitting so long in my folder never once played through, never once made to the end, now it has. Why now? Why this particular moment?
PS, I love you was a movie about letting go and moving on.
About losing a loved one and helping yourself get through it.
About how the worst of things can turn into silver linings.
About how when a door closes, a window indeed opens somewhere.
About how even though you may have lost a part of you, piecing it back together is possible.
About how even if you piece yourself back together and it doesn't look so good, you would still admire it because YOU pieced it back together.
PS I love you was nothing like what I went through.
But PS I love you taught me to stand back and see how I have already pieced myself together.
2008, August, my life became a mess.
2009, August and thereafter I was a mess.
2010 August I was still a mess.
2011 February I was not done being a mess but I was a mess put so well together that I admired it.
I picked up after me and glued my existence together. I threw out all the parts that did not fit and replaced it with compatible ones. They were not necessarily new, but they fit.
This fresh Hdaran might very well break again but practice makes perfect. Piecing should be easier the next time around.
PS Marlboro Lights ended up in the dustbin like a one time shot I could never miss!!!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
So The Days Go On...
I did a quarter marathon today!!! All 10 kilometers of it!!! Took me a good hour and 10 minutes but I did it!!! A feat I never thought possible in my wildest dreams!!! (Ok la, a bit too much; a feat I thought was only remotely possible maybe??? :P)
Well, Muscle Loaded and I are getting along well it seems. His promiscuity has been a little under the radar and he seems to be saying that he is feeling pangs of loneliness... One guess why!!! ^.^
My research is going surprisingly smooth and soon enough I'd be pursuing my doctorate. Ah, what a sense of accomplishment. And all this while being a dance student!!! Once I start my doctorate I am going to pay for makeup lessons and a few years down the road; salsa!!!
Back on my healthy; 2% or less fat, high fiber, low carb, high protein, vitamins and minerals, diet again. Once you start eating healthy, your body reacts differently to oil and grease. It repels... I feel like puking every time I try and ingest something unhealthy... The last KFC I had had to be the worst!!!
I am so totally over Mr. P. I don't ever think of him anymore. Except when a maroon Wira drives along. Only that one scenario... So I went ahead and did the unthinkable. I sent a request to add him on the popular social networking page. He accepted, THE END.
Well, Muscle Loaded and I are getting along well it seems. His promiscuity has been a little under the radar and he seems to be saying that he is feeling pangs of loneliness... One guess why!!! ^.^
My research is going surprisingly smooth and soon enough I'd be pursuing my doctorate. Ah, what a sense of accomplishment. And all this while being a dance student!!! Once I start my doctorate I am going to pay for makeup lessons and a few years down the road; salsa!!!
Back on my healthy; 2% or less fat, high fiber, low carb, high protein, vitamins and minerals, diet again. Once you start eating healthy, your body reacts differently to oil and grease. It repels... I feel like puking every time I try and ingest something unhealthy... The last KFC I had had to be the worst!!!
I am so totally over Mr. P. I don't ever think of him anymore. Except when a maroon Wira drives along. Only that one scenario... So I went ahead and did the unthinkable. I sent a request to add him on the popular social networking page. He accepted, THE END.
Friday, January 28, 2011
:P
It has been a smooth and easy few days as I have been concentrating on nothing but my research and some catching up with friends. Cookies and Cakes will be down for the Chinese New Year holidays next week and I am looking forward to some quality time with him. His holidays stretch up to the 5th of February which would mean he has ample of time to spend time with the family AND Le Boyfren and I am sure some snug spot for me is due for a power tete-e-tete session. Just like we did before we last parted. I have got some good news (actually it is more of a confession and a good news) for him and boy is he either going to hit me hard or hug me for it. Soon that good news will be up here as well as I have been writing about it in succession on a draft post and when it is finished (which will be in probably about two weeks from now) I shall finally post it up.
Ok here's the deal, to date or not to date?
Leave Muscle Loaded aside, he's the one I plan to settle down on a deeper relationship but then again, I am feeling those occasional I-miss-human-flesh pangs again. Not like in the leather, dirty, whip and S&M Lady Gaga sorta way. What I meant was human flesh in a rather sunshiny, bright, yellow daisies manner; to hug and feel and laugh and talk so close that one can sniff the other's breath (OK, I agree, I painted too weird a picture).
There has been suitors, many of them but I've lost that adventurous side of me. Probably because like mentioned in my 'I Am...' column, having lost the will to lead a normal life would mean I have also lost the urge to find love. I could, if I wanted to, set up dates after dates to smooch men and in that course smooch enough to get one hooked up on me (they want to come back for more, they all always do). But I feel rather immature; rather dense, almost obtuse.
Going through men after men, trying to find a keep???
Nope, not for me.
But then again, I really REALLY do not want to be doomed to a glass of fine wine alone. It's nice to find someone to hog the bottle or to be able to hog the bottle, away from. Someone to find reasons to put on makeup and some perfume just to take everything off (except those two aforementioned) at the end of the day. Someone to buy you gifts you would probably cringe at and then give those cute cheeks each a peck for belonging to a thoughtful person (an incredibly stupid, thoughtful person) hopelessly in love with you. Someone whom tries his hand at charming you by taking you to a restaurant which you have checked out reviews on to be lousy but then again, seeing him optimistically ordering his favourites melts your hearts into pieces that all you can do is again, cradle him for being such an idiot.
I want a hopeless romantic.
Oy, Cookies and Cakes, you can *facepalm* anytime now...
CnC: Hdaran is such a hopeless romantic.
Hdaran: Huh, no lah!!! What do you mean by that anyway?
CnC: Yalah, all a person has to do to get to you is shower you with anything thoughtful. No need to be expensive but if he says he's been looking for this all day for you, that's it la... You will be like awwwww.......owwwww....... Very easy to get you smitten what!!!
Hdaran: nfrjlaf. kurang assam; gnajhdfkjfhvkfbnzljdkgn;gflakjgn; =.='''
CnC: What???
Hdaran: NOTHING!!!! :P
gfuendesfkjefblsifndehzslkvndeskgjkjzfem;zenjl**********nfekjrn;fslugh.skn.gjrns;ilnfe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok here's the deal, to date or not to date?
Leave Muscle Loaded aside, he's the one I plan to settle down on a deeper relationship but then again, I am feeling those occasional I-miss-human-flesh pangs again. Not like in the leather, dirty, whip and S&M Lady Gaga sorta way. What I meant was human flesh in a rather sunshiny, bright, yellow daisies manner; to hug and feel and laugh and talk so close that one can sniff the other's breath (OK, I agree, I painted too weird a picture).
There has been suitors, many of them but I've lost that adventurous side of me. Probably because like mentioned in my 'I Am...' column, having lost the will to lead a normal life would mean I have also lost the urge to find love. I could, if I wanted to, set up dates after dates to smooch men and in that course smooch enough to get one hooked up on me (they want to come back for more, they all always do). But I feel rather immature; rather dense, almost obtuse.
Going through men after men, trying to find a keep???
Nope, not for me.
But then again, I really REALLY do not want to be doomed to a glass of fine wine alone. It's nice to find someone to hog the bottle or to be able to hog the bottle, away from. Someone to find reasons to put on makeup and some perfume just to take everything off (except those two aforementioned) at the end of the day. Someone to buy you gifts you would probably cringe at and then give those cute cheeks each a peck for belonging to a thoughtful person (an incredibly stupid, thoughtful person) hopelessly in love with you. Someone whom tries his hand at charming you by taking you to a restaurant which you have checked out reviews on to be lousy but then again, seeing him optimistically ordering his favourites melts your hearts into pieces that all you can do is again, cradle him for being such an idiot.
I want a hopeless romantic.
Oy, Cookies and Cakes, you can *facepalm* anytime now...
CnC: Hdaran is such a hopeless romantic.
Hdaran: Huh, no lah!!! What do you mean by that anyway?
CnC: Yalah, all a person has to do to get to you is shower you with anything thoughtful. No need to be expensive but if he says he's been looking for this all day for you, that's it la... You will be like awwwww.......owwwww....... Very easy to get you smitten what!!!
Hdaran: nfrjlaf. kurang assam; gnajhdfkjfhvkfbnzljdkgn;gflakjgn; =.='''
CnC: What???
Hdaran: NOTHING!!!! :P
gfuendesfkjefblsifndehzslkvndeskgjkjzfem;zenjl**********nfekjrn;fslugh.skn.gjrns;ilnfe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The One About Muscle Loaded...
My latest possible romantic endeavour Muscle Loaded is being very difficult... Very difficult indeed!!!
Now, what's the deal with this person you may ask...
Ok, here's the 'hoe-down' (I hope that's how it's spelled)...
Muscle Loaded got acquainted with Hdaran during undergraduate days in the capital city. He came into Hdaran's life after Confused Gal's batch of students had entered the university; just when Mr. P had begun to grow fond of her. Hdaran and Muscle Loaded became close, close enough to call it undeclared love. The only reason Hdaran succumbed to this pseudo-relationship was because he was lonely. Mr. P had seemingly found his true love and started ignoring Hdaran, almost shoving Hdaran away from his life. Thank God Hdaran had Life Sized Comfort and Crazy Soldier to fall back on. It did not help, however, that Muscle Loaded and Hdaran were separated by the South China Sea. They had to fall back on keeping in touch through the phone and text messages. They met once. Things took a turn for the worse when Mr. P's pursuit of love did not go as planned with Confused Gal. Mr. P came running back to Hdaran for emotional cushion and comfort. Hdaran was trapped in blind love yet again. And when this was revealed to Muscle Loaded (Hdaran felt like he was two timing Mr. P and Muscle Loaded and it was not fair for either), Muscle Loaded swore to workout, become buff and promiscuous. That was almost a year and a half ago. Muscle Loaded did exactly what he set out to do and succeeded. The two did not keep in touch until December 16th 2010 when Hdaran sent Muscle Loaded a message through an old social networking site which died out.
Muscle Loaded is a lot like Mr. P. Short-tempered and a tad possessive. Indian, whose command of the English is below pre-school level; almost novice-like. Has the same skin tone and that very hairless body (I have seen pictures) like Mr. P. And shares the same mentality Mr. P does; preconceived social notions and conformities that I have tried my best to avoid. For example: people with multiple piercings and tattoos are mobs; you only consume alcohol (of any sort) to get drunk and being a regular club patron is a socially ill activity. Muscle Loaded hails from a small town from a small simple family. Is religious, pretty blindly I must say; this is a person who is promiscuous (unlike Mr. P; the Mr.P I used to know at least, because I know nothing about his predicament status quo), and thinks that it is justified with him being religious making up for it. That, to me, is hypocrisy personified right down to its bare essentials.
But unlike Mr. P, still has so much strong feelings for me that that possessiveness has started to show, and is obligatorily gay. He isn't a football player but there is a reason I named him Muscle Loaded. But what he makes up in love and affection, he loses out on shallow mindset and silly judgments.
ML: So do you still go clubbing.
Hdaran: Occasionally, ya, I do...
ML: OK. So you go there and get all drunk la??
Hdaran: Excuse me???
ML: Ya lah!!! You people will go to the clubs, drink, get all drunk and puke and create havoc. Good good!!!
Hdaran: Can I tell you that I am not that sort to do that. Yes, I probably did that like 4 years ago but I am not 22 anymore!!! For me, going to clubs recently has been more of savouring alcohol and dancing. You know, cocktails, smooth German beers, exquisite wine. Alcohol isn't only for sloshing you know. And going to the clubs isn't about drinking and getting wasted. It's a way of life. A social get-together with my friends. I like to savour my alcohol by the way. It is an art to be able to savour fine wine and good cocktails...
ML: You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art...
I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! When I mentioned this to Cookies and Cakes here was his reaction;
Hdaran: Muscle Loaded said these exact words to me when we were discussing whether I still frequent clubs or not. "You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art..."
CnC: Excuse me? All the dead great wine connoisseurs in the world would've turned in their graves. And Champagne would've gone bankrupt!!! And the Germans wouldn't be so rich producing so much Paulaners!!!
Hdaran: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Owh well, Cookies and Cakes also told me to take it slow. Muscle Loaded needs some time to grow and some influence I can evoke in him to see things from an elevated point of view. If not to justify getting drunk, to enjoy a margarita every now and then, the very least...
Sigh Muscle Loaded, I wish you were here next to me and see what I do these days with my life...
Now, what's the deal with this person you may ask...
Ok, here's the 'hoe-down' (I hope that's how it's spelled)...
Muscle Loaded got acquainted with Hdaran during undergraduate days in the capital city. He came into Hdaran's life after Confused Gal's batch of students had entered the university; just when Mr. P had begun to grow fond of her. Hdaran and Muscle Loaded became close, close enough to call it undeclared love. The only reason Hdaran succumbed to this pseudo-relationship was because he was lonely. Mr. P had seemingly found his true love and started ignoring Hdaran, almost shoving Hdaran away from his life. Thank God Hdaran had Life Sized Comfort and Crazy Soldier to fall back on. It did not help, however, that Muscle Loaded and Hdaran were separated by the South China Sea. They had to fall back on keeping in touch through the phone and text messages. They met once. Things took a turn for the worse when Mr. P's pursuit of love did not go as planned with Confused Gal. Mr. P came running back to Hdaran for emotional cushion and comfort. Hdaran was trapped in blind love yet again. And when this was revealed to Muscle Loaded (Hdaran felt like he was two timing Mr. P and Muscle Loaded and it was not fair for either), Muscle Loaded swore to workout, become buff and promiscuous. That was almost a year and a half ago. Muscle Loaded did exactly what he set out to do and succeeded. The two did not keep in touch until December 16th 2010 when Hdaran sent Muscle Loaded a message through an old social networking site which died out.
Muscle Loaded is a lot like Mr. P. Short-tempered and a tad possessive. Indian, whose command of the English is below pre-school level; almost novice-like. Has the same skin tone and that very hairless body (I have seen pictures) like Mr. P. And shares the same mentality Mr. P does; preconceived social notions and conformities that I have tried my best to avoid. For example: people with multiple piercings and tattoos are mobs; you only consume alcohol (of any sort) to get drunk and being a regular club patron is a socially ill activity. Muscle Loaded hails from a small town from a small simple family. Is religious, pretty blindly I must say; this is a person who is promiscuous (unlike Mr. P; the Mr.P I used to know at least, because I know nothing about his predicament status quo), and thinks that it is justified with him being religious making up for it. That, to me, is hypocrisy personified right down to its bare essentials.
But unlike Mr. P, still has so much strong feelings for me that that possessiveness has started to show, and is obligatorily gay. He isn't a football player but there is a reason I named him Muscle Loaded. But what he makes up in love and affection, he loses out on shallow mindset and silly judgments.
ML: So do you still go clubbing.
Hdaran: Occasionally, ya, I do...
ML: OK. So you go there and get all drunk la??
Hdaran: Excuse me???
ML: Ya lah!!! You people will go to the clubs, drink, get all drunk and puke and create havoc. Good good!!!
Hdaran: Can I tell you that I am not that sort to do that. Yes, I probably did that like 4 years ago but I am not 22 anymore!!! For me, going to clubs recently has been more of savouring alcohol and dancing. You know, cocktails, smooth German beers, exquisite wine. Alcohol isn't only for sloshing you know. And going to the clubs isn't about drinking and getting wasted. It's a way of life. A social get-together with my friends. I like to savour my alcohol by the way. It is an art to be able to savour fine wine and good cocktails...
ML: You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art...
I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! When I mentioned this to Cookies and Cakes here was his reaction;
Hdaran: Muscle Loaded said these exact words to me when we were discussing whether I still frequent clubs or not. "You may be the only person in the world whom thinks consuming alcohol is an art..."
CnC: Excuse me? All the dead great wine connoisseurs in the world would've turned in their graves. And Champagne would've gone bankrupt!!! And the Germans wouldn't be so rich producing so much Paulaners!!!
Hdaran: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Owh well, Cookies and Cakes also told me to take it slow. Muscle Loaded needs some time to grow and some influence I can evoke in him to see things from an elevated point of view. If not to justify getting drunk, to enjoy a margarita every now and then, the very least...
Sigh Muscle Loaded, I wish you were here next to me and see what I do these days with my life...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I Can Breath For The 1st Time, Since You Been Gone!!!
Kelly Clarkson
"Since U Been Gone"
Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone
How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again
Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
How did this woman know what I went through???
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