I need a BREAK!!!

One would think that he has seen the worst of his predicaments. Sigh, it's funny how life keeps throwing things at you. But the worst has been remorse... That you could have done better, that what you're in isn't meant for you, that you'd have been far better off doing something you can actually relate to, emotionally, passionately, with no looking back on what might've been or not, that you're helpless when people need you most, that you're weak to handle all this...

Boy, i can't believe i am feeling so wretched... Inside out... and all this worrying is resulting in a major acne breakout... the worst I've seen in years...One major headache is down but there's like 999 more to go. At least that's what it feels like. What do i do??? What do i do!!!

I know what I want in life... I want a sedentary lifestyle;
Live in God's eternal blissful love;
Give life to the upbringing of an orphan in the form of an education sponsorship;
Earn a lot of dough but keep just what I need and donate the rest;
Help the needy, this being said, an array of social handicaps and real life warriors;
Own a small, quaint single story house with minimalistic yet impeccable furnishing;
To my name, a relatively well-to-do car, using it only when absolutely necessary (in an effort to reduce my carbon footprint);
Turn vegan and try and cultivate my own mini vege-garden;
Lead the healthiest possible lifestyle, with occasional exceptions i'd most definitely make for the people whom matter most to me;
Walk, if ever, and whenever i can;
Do odissi for the Love of God and dwell in its spirituality and aesthetic beauty;
Learn Salsa and Samba for the fun of it;
Pick up football;
Learn some fashion and do it for the passion (a small clientele whom come to me for special reasons; like Penang's very own Richard Rivalee);
Wear good clothes (which doesn't necessarily mean obscenely expensive trench coats and shirts tagged "YSL" or "Gucci"; excuse the cliched example);

All this while still not being a glutton for material possessions...
Isn't too much to ask is it???

FIFA World Cup and some Mumbo-Jumbo

I’ve always watched FIFA World Cup since 2002. Back then it was nothing more than to be abreast with current happenings, to be part of the hype, to not be left out. Then, university and Mr. P happened to me, with that a whole new light on football. I was involved in organizing tournaments (my dad was ever so proud)!!! Football became slightly more natural, like I didn’t have to try hard, like it became honestly something I was rather intrigued by. Later still, Mr. P became yet even closer to me and he was a footballer. I was there, all the way through his important games in varsity, like a loyal partner. He carried one of my bags with his boots, his shorts and his jersey in it. He always talked about his games afterwards and described in full detail to me; like I was his one die-hard fan whom always had room for the 100^th mention of a fault he did not commit, of a goal he was celebrated over... He always had sports injuries which I helped nurse and always had muscle aches which i religiously tended to.

*slaps oneself back to reality*

A wise saying goes, “the mind is like a monkey, always thrusting itself from one branch to the other”.

*second slap*

Ok, the second slap was for a mosquito on my face but anyway, football became something I grew fond of if not crazy over and yes, it was thanks to Mr. P. I, obviously fell in love with everything about him… Then, the 2010 FIFA Football World Cup comes along and I start watching in anticipation only to realize something I have been so oblivious about all these years.

*shakes head in disbelief, knocks forehead, rolls eyes*

WHAT ELSE???? EYE-CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hunks; men; good physique; GORGEOUS FOOTBALLERS!!! Sweating, in jerseys, tall, dark, sexy, well-defined chests, and muscular calves, nice tight ass… OOOFFFF!!!!!!!!!!! Did i mention they're in jerseys??? In wet jeee....rrrrr.....ssssseee....yyyyysssss......

*bites lips, drools, palpitations almost*

How could I have been so oblivious!!! I know bloody hell what hides under those similar jerseys, I have seen it!!! And all gay men out there, if you could watch football please do cause you are missing out on so much eye-candy. And better still if you have slept with a footballer… It just takes the entire experience up a notch.

*drools, dreamy looks*

I suddenly miss Mr. P and I must admit there’s a huge truth I have been hiding from Cookies and Cakes. Ok, well maybe not that huge, maybe not even significant but I really wonder how he’d react. I know he has had always let me run my life, giving advice in his own customized sort of way to make me re-think many decisions that I have come to either thank him afterwards, or regret myself for having not taken his so-called two-cent worth of opinions.

Leaving football aside we move on to another recent revelation. A business plan my aunt signed up for and now has me in it. Found out that Stylish Mistress’s partner, Mr. Kickass Critter and his wife, Mrs. Ugly Critter (yes, u read right, Stylish Mistress is indeed what I have decided to call her) are involved in the same business!!! After the entire racket Kickass Critter has thrown I only pray our paths do not cross, not even by chance. My hand might just slip some diarrheal-inducing drug into his beverage. 

~note to self, carry some amoxicillin in my hideous pouch next time round~

The business offers; like its many other counterparts; a promise of big returns and fruitful, labour-free (or rather labour LESSer) days. Some of these people have actually quit their day jobs and have fully devoted their time to this particular “skim mesti kaya” as one of the “leaders” (leaders, oh God, *shakes head*, let them dwell in being put on a pedestal; although I must admit the fact that they make RM 5-6k a month does make my mind go all ways to think of the list of purchases I’d love to make with that much excess “ka-ching” $$$)put it. 

 A wise saying goes, “the mind is like a monkey.................. Oh wait, i mentioned that already.

Not the ever so tactful "leader(s)", having acquired language command they deem fit to address anyone approachable; these lot are one of those people I like to call opportunists. Definitely not judging them, but they are those people who lack creativity, a certain group of 'visionaries' whom try so hard to be street smart and most always tend to find the right contacts, possess passably made up exterior, and  with some polishing manage to come across somewhat intelligent, only to still be nothing more than mediocre. They almost always have a university degree and in an effort to impress people often nonchalantly mention their accreditation to potential clients. The meeting; although introduced a fantastic idea called “webucation”; was nothing more than second-rate to me. Second rate because #1 the people presenting these ideas seem to think that the audience are all oblivious to this idea, #2, the idea itself was nothing new to me, although the fact that it has been turned into a business opportunity is; as much as it was stimulating, was so predictable of my home-land people (predominantly; no offence to those who beg to differ). Again, none of this should be made out to be mocking the idea or those running it; their sky-high aspirations and limitless efforts to approach economical autonomy are definitely noteworthy. Which is the sole reason I am giving this whole mumbo-jumbo a shot; I want some “ka-ching”!!!

France oh France, was one goal too much to ask!!!

I love France’s Thierry Henry, Nicolas Anelka.

*drools*

The High Priestess celebrates her 53rd!!!

Mom: After I was born, our country got Independence.

Myself: Hahahahaha!!! Please la...!!! We would have got Independence even if you were not born!!!

Mom: You’re just jealous!!!

Myself: *rolls eyes*

Yes, mom celebrated her 53rd birthday a few hours ago. The most important woman in my life is now 53 and with every year passing by, I have one less to be with her.

The cycle of life and death is brutal, and most often unpredictable. There’s no telling old age will ever be within reach for anyone as every human being’s life is as vulnerable as a spinning top; you can never tell when it falls. A distant relative was a gunshot victim at the prime of his life, being successful in his career, and approaching matrimony; a person who might have been doing nothing but his daily chores on his last breathing day. No one can ever tell, can we! Foolish men, we are, to judge everyone else, to justify our misdoings, to complain that time is never enough… If we could just slow everything down and learn to listen to the ones we love, at least our time here would be well-worth.

Ok, that’s it!!! I am done preaching!!!

Coming back to my mom; she’s a flawed woman. Oh yes, I am not going to say, ‘my mommy’s the best!!!’ or ‘my mom is a superwoman’ or ‘my mom’s so great she can carry Mt Everest!!!’… Mother’s Day is full of hypocrisy; I can bet no one person can have someone that perfect for a mom!!! If there was one such possibility for every human being on Earth, then, teenage rebels, parental murder, child negligence would be but meaningless phrases.

I am here to say it out, my mom is not the best, and she is pretty flawed actually…

Short tempered;

Absent minded (I know why I tend to be so);

Adamant (most of the time to my annoyance);

Being oblivious;

     Myself: amma, amma, AMMA!!!! (mom, mom, MOM!!!)
     Mom: *looks intently into space*
     Myself: *holds mom’s hand n shakes her wildly* AMMA!!!!! (MOM!!!!!)
     Mom: ENNADA??? Valikkite da!!! (WHAT??? That was painful!!!)

Losing it for reasons beyond my comprehension (this is the worst!!!);

Can I blame her for being a regular homo sapien??? LOLZ!!! She’s just like everything else on Earth, full of shortcomings.

Why then am I going to miss her when she’s gone? Very simply put, she is MY mom. She is the one being on Earth put on Earth to support me; her entire life dedicated to my welfare. Friends we earn, Love, we fall in and out of but MOM, she’s God given, she’s the one true destiny that will never falter, the one true tangible form of love, the ultimate embodiment of sacrifice. An educator once tried to explain the degree of pain of a woman in labour. He said, “Open the car door, place your hand on the seam and close the door with the other hand. Smash it, don’t just close it. Labour pain is similar but amplified 10 folds.”

I thought to myself, bloody HELL, one must be really idiotic to actually contemplate doing that experiment. Then reality hit me, my MOM willingly went through something 10 times worse. So that she can have half a devil tiring her out throughout the night over wet nappies and half an angel she can kiss on the forehead goodnight after vanquishing a certain monster in the closet. She willingly had me to part LOVE… And parting love came with a heavy price tag; currency in terms of time, energy and devout attention.

Love extends beyond physical sufferings so they say, true enough, motherhood is a gift bestowed upon every XX gene makeup. Their love and sacrifice goes beyond bounds of mortal comprehension and with that being said, my heart goes out to all those denied of this privilege. I do think it is almost vicious that one be deprived of a mother’s undying attention, but I shan’t question the workings of the Universe and how He decides to play it.

Oh and to the High Priestess of the V’s, Happy Birthday!!!

I wish God stretches your last few years for me to love you enough…

The Bottom Line for J

What do you do when comparing yourself? Everyone does at one point of their lives, but more importantly, how does one chose to see the glass. And is seeing it half empty being insatiable or tapping potential. Compare yourself to the better or the worse?? Measure yourself against the mediocre or the well-delved??? I exchanged some text messages with Cookies and Cakes about this matter, which is why sometimes I feel that these feelings of inadequacy tend to prevalently affect me…

(Excuse the SMS simplifications; I wanted it to be as close to reality)

CnC: I hv shown City Fren my blog.n he seemed to understand.well,im undermining him(he would so slap me if he heard tis)but he did commented my blog is rather too bombastic.word selection wise.lol

Myself: Lol! I’ve had loads of people who wave de white flag cos they think dat my command of de language is too, how can I put it, advanced, for dem 2 comprehend… I mean, here u are wanting 2 improve ur skills, n I think I’d never get close 2 ur proficiency, n people think my skills r too good to comprehend...

CnC: But somehow all tis writin in blogs hv made me improve my language command.i learn how to express myself more accurately.but ther is still so much to improve! Gosh J,u can get to my level of proficiency.just keep writin n keep readin.

Myself: I know I can. Probably I don’t persevere like u do…

CnC: Tts cos im forced to.im _____*Cookies and Cakes current priority*.ther’s no room to slack at e linguistic dept.plus wif Stylish Mistress,High-Achieving Babes,College Fren,n Ever-Present Hysterical Gal ard constantly keepin me on my toes to mind my language.im mediocre compared to those lot!

Myself: Lol! True. True. Gosh, n I have people here who put me on a pedestal!

CnC: Then currently ther’s even Stylish Foreigner-so well read n sharp wiif his words! City Fren’s english is good too(hence e constant sarcasms),n Polished Teacher n my lecturers!n a few online frens who are freelance writers n professionals.i think its true when ppl say,if u wanna be successful,surround urself wif successful ppl, if u want to be positive,surround urself wif such ppl…

Myself: True… I’ve gotta start doing dat…

How can a person escape feeling inadequate; when you compare yourself to what you think is greatness and somehow, in some way, it is proven erroneous and you realize you’re nothing more than mediocrity? No, it isn’t complaining, for myself it is comprehending, trying to make sense of this whole situation. Retrograding is not what I look forward to; but I have sometimes thought I will fall under pressure.

Smashed, when I try to reach beyond capability.

Shattered, when I come to realize that I can’t move mountains (purely metaphorically speaking).

Then, without warning, Cookies and Cakes sends me this text message;

CnC: *irrelevant part of the text, may lead to confusion*…but yea, J, u hv gr8 potentials to be even better than u are right now.Metro Me n i agreed tt u comin bak2pg was e best decision ever for present times(whereas god knows wats best for me now).u hv lost urself along e way n pick it up again but ther’s stil so much potential in u tt u hv not explored n tapped into.i hv so much faith in u but I know its all in ur hands on wat u wanna do wif tis lil life of urs.n ther’s no 1 standard,Metro Me needs humility,more worldly awareness n liberalism,i need humility,even more temperament,so u gotta examine n work on wher u think is lacking.we hv faith in u!

WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!!!

My best friend here has more faith in me than I do??? The amount of remorse this one message caused me!!! When I have individuals who think I have capabilities beyond even what I think I can do then, heck yea, I should push myself to strive for the better!!!

*hugs CnC*

So it got me thinking about areas of myself which are insufficient, derisory even.

I have to start my odissi journey which has been long due (still beating myself over this one).

I love reading, being obsessed over a particular well-written publication ever so awe-inspiring; difficult to put down. Read!!! Must start READING!!!

Fashion, again, this one true passion of mine requires, to a great length, more comprehension through reading, maturity through keeping up with trends and creativity through exploring potential hidden treasures.

Being knowledgeable in general; newspapers, magazines, Internet, audio-visual stimulation (yes yes yes, the idiot box) etc.

Bottom line: time to move my Ar$e!!!!

Short term goal: improve everything in life.

Long term goal: no regrets in life.

I am gay, God forgive me!!!

Things are going pretty well for me these past few days;

#1 just got an offer to tutor a 12-year old which comes with a small fee (finally some of my own dough to splurge on);

#2 smoking coming to a halt soon (despite watching Coco avant Chanel);

#3 I shall not depend on artificially sweetened food stuff because they spoil your kidneys (thanks mom and Reader’s Digest!!!);

#4 parents are a little easy on me lately;

#5 meeting Metro Me gave me such a confidence boost and I finally feel I relate to him again (he was a guardian angel to me back in school days and has always been a significant part on my path to self-discovery. I felt like I got my guardian angel back again.);

Although I am under one of those bad spells of a faulty 1^st line of defense of the immune system, there seems to be little to complain. Lust has taken yet another step back after I read an article in The Star by Jojo Struys about how the HIV positives in Malaysia live and cope with it. It made me take a step back and question Malaysians as a whole. Are we that under-informed??? Do we really discriminate people with AIDS??? Even children??? It moved me to tears; the mere thought of a toddler carrying such an interminable disease, one that almost certainly ends in the coffin.

My mind immediately hurried off to Cookies and Cakes and his wild sexual endeavors. I put the papers down and immediately texted him. Concern prompted me to do this but more prevalently because of the fact that I wanted my worries put to rest. I wanted to also, in a way, make him take this matter more seriously because every time he does succumb to his raging hormones he is putting himself in considerable danger. I don’t have too many best friends around to give this one up to something as simple as endocrinal secretions and subsequently two copies of single stranded RNAs enclosed in a protein capsule. Those bloody tiny bastards!!!

I must say, to my utter disgust, that I did contemplate a possible sexual favour for a senior of mine, Mr. Not There Yet. He disclosed to me months ago about going both ways and had, on many occasions, found me an interesting platter to feast on. I refused to give in previously but during a session through Yahoo messenger I had consented to make his little friend happy but without letting it get under my pants (apparently I have indeed agreed to a sensual massage session which has yet to take place). *smacks forehead* WHY OH WHY??? Anyway, I am gay and I do think I can allow myself this one time pleasure of satisfying someone else. God forgive me please!!!

*medication starts kicking in*

Zzzzzzzzzzzz……..

C-O-C-O C-H-A-N-E-L

I was never a devoted fan of biographies and biography related productions; books, movies, narrations. Always found it impossible, boring and downright excruciating; stories that revolve around one person. But in a sudden turn of events, I have actually given it a chance, if not made friends with, the lives of the famous, the influential and the successful. Yet, still I never jump onto every significant biography I come across; just the ones I find fascinating or shares particular indulgences I do. That being said, a movie revolving around Coco Chanel, was like a fantasy come true for me…

Coco avant Chanel, so as the title goes, delves into the life of the woman who changed the face of fashion before she was the legendary couturier Chanel… Forget about the plot and the synopsis, nothing groundbreaking of sorts in this movie. But Audrey Tatou, I’d swear she embodied Chanel like no other actress could have remotely pulled off. It was like seeing Coco Chanel herself, and whatever she was described to be in close perfection through this talented French actress.

Again, like I said, biographies like this have been produced before; settings and casts to match the original piece of history. Coco avant Chanel similar. But what makes it stand out was not HOW the movie went about painting the picture; it was about WHAT the movie was trying to convey. Of course undeniably, HOW, helped, and I must agree, very much…

It was an inspiration; she personified eccentricity and embraced liberal thoughts and freedom of expression, never succumbing to judgment. She defied stereotyping not because she wanted to be different, it was because she was; hiding that would have been hypocrisy and the world would have never witnessed the birth of a legend. NO, Coco avant Chanel wasn’t interesting because it had fancy 20’s sets and lovely corset trends, neither was it intriguing because the men where what every women looked for; chivalrous, dashing and rich. Coco avant Chanel was mind-blowing because it captured religiously the life of Gabrielle 'Coco' Chanel. How everything managed to look and feel so real was surreal… So captivating, so poignant, so ethereal…

Cookies and Cakes almost felt sorry for me because I couldn’t hold back my tears… I was sobbing all the way from GSC Cinema in Longstanding Mall to Drag House along Loud Street (a 15 minute drive). Why i cried; God knows, i don't!!!

Myself: I think I better stop crying or else people will start assuming something went wrong between us.

(oh ya, of course, the entire island population think we’re both attached)

Cookies and Cakes: I KNOW!!! Like I dumped you and you’re all sad and teary!!!

Ah yes, I am forever changed!!! We’ll see; most people don’t believe it when I say I have changed until I do turn heads. *winks*

Changed because I felt idiotic because of slowly losing my touch with fashion, (Cookies and Cakes seems to know more about the runways now than i do; fashion was MY thing!), never have I thought an audio-visual perception of what I have read so much about, turn out to be so powerful. I lost myself because it all seemed seemingly impossible yet so evidently true…

Coco Chanel was never married. She was once asked why she hadn't married the well-to-do Duke of Westminster and she replied: 'There have been several Duchesses of Westminster. There is only one Chanel'.

My current infatuation; Odissi...

I love this video of the moskya piece done by a certain odissi group from Orissa. Moksya is part of odissi that is usually performed at the end of a show. A sort of peace-be-upon us note to an odissi peformance.

This Moksya is the Guru Kelucharan Mohapatra style of odissi.
Besides moksya, Odissi also includes, Mangalacharan, Pallavi, Abhinaya.

Mangalacharan: the opening performance of any given odissi performance with respect to a certain Hindu deity and finished with the Sabha Pranam, a series of moves to wrap the piece.

Pallavi: A purely technical piece that allows the dancer to show of the various mudras (hand gestures), and the intricate footwork of odissi movements.

Abhinaya: a solely dramatic piece with minimal technical movements, relating/narrating a story aimed at showcasing the dancer's talent at expressing various abhinaya (literally translates to expression).

Of celibacy and cocktails...

Practicing celibacy, how possible is it these days? Leave aside being sexually inactive, what about monogamy?? I really wonder...

Nowadays you just can’t seem to tell if that sweet innocent-looking girl you thought you knew so well loves orgasm and knows how to enjoy it. Or that certain married man who you were introduced to starts sending you touchy messages, always ending with an uncomfortable note of stereotypical not-so-pleasant appellation “sayang”, “dear”, “darling”.

Eugh!!! *gags*

Well, that wasn’t what I am going to whine away about anyways. I have questioned this ever since I had come in terms with my sexuality and until present times still wonder why procreational activities were designed to be desirable. God wanted men to flood the world, ridding it of its perfect balance?? Reproducing was meant to be profoundly appeasing???

*knocks head*

Why do I even bother? I have just decided to turn a celibate and with that a former smoker and a sober health-junkie. However weaning off cigarettes has been challenging with multiple waves of carb-cravings and being at lost when the thing I usually resort to when I am depressed is presently absent.

When I did mention this to Cookies and Cakes, he was supportive at first giving me two thumbs and toes up *face squirms* but eventually turned to his usual fake drama-queen expressions of trying to (supposedly) make me feel remorseful. This has been one of the more better façade of Cookies and Cakes; his ability to be spontaneously amusing and on the same note provocative. His ideas although sometimes expressed in a matter-of-factly fashion, bears, in one way or another very insightful point of views.

*scrolls text messages and LOL’s*

Alcohol has been pleasant, I shall not deny, especially when consumed till inhibition becomes thin. Thin enough to dwell into careless yet calculated risks of abiding solely what the heart desires. But remorse for allowing this worldly pleasure to slip away is null. I shall still consume alcohol, but it will be for the simple reason of tasting the array of heavenly concoctions it can be made into rather than its ability to induce intoxication.

Coconut flavoured rum, orange liquor, grand marnier, pineapple studded glasses of pina colada, sweet crushed ice of the daiquiris, the simplicity yet satisfying merge of orange juice in vodka and yes, of course, the refreshing blend of mint in mohjito. Drinking pleasure shall be because that particular serving of perfectly grilled red meat (pink and rare with a nice charred crust perfectly seasoned and marinated) matches that well-aged Sauvignon Blanc or that dessert pie gets a touch of life with a little splash of apple flavoured rum.

I just HAD to type this with an empty stomach, DANG!!!

Anyways, here’s to good, healthy, impeccable living!!! Cheers!!!

Cookies and Cakes, we've got a dinner party to plan, and most definitely soon enough...