Questions, All Kind of Questions....

When you call all the shots in your life, whatever the outcome, would you regret or wouldn't you?

Otherwise, would you regret if you didn't decide most of it??

When do you realise you are truly satisfied with your predicament?

And when you do reach that state, would you ask for more or would you be satisfied?

Are complaints a way of self expression or is it just us being insatiable?

Or is it just a way to push ourselves to strive better?

Why do people always think they and only their lives are the worst case scenario?

Why do people always think they know it all??

A way to fit in? Keep up?? Not be lost out???

What defines limits of our expectations?

Why do we all keep expecting??

When does it stop???

How far can one stretch hope?

What is the difference between hope and a lost cause?

Why do we live?

When do we stop living??

Does it ever occur to human beings that out there, everyone else is made of the same flesh and blood?

Why do we have desires?

Why was religion created?

If we're made up the same atoms water is made up of why do we feel that it is lifeless?

Why do we eat animals when all the protein needed by our body is available from plants??

Why do we have families?

Why do we feel love?

What is so great about love and hope that it can move mountains?

Is finding a soul-mate that important??

What completes us?

Why does science seem to know all the answers??

And when it goes beyond explanation, why does science shy away?

What do prayers entail?

Do they work?

Why do we only pray for what we want?

Even if we do pray for what others' want, we are praying to want it for them aren't we?

We still want don't we?

Do our brainwaves carry that much of power?

Do we have souls??

Why do we have them?

???

I guess I am a little child still wanting answers.

HDaran, New and Idiot-Proof!!!

I have officially given up on love!

Although Metro Me says, never say never.

I'll take my chances...

I'm never going to fall in love again.

Bye Mr. P and Muscle Loaded and all the future possible parodies...

To Muscle Loaded,

Hope your promiscuous life makes you realise that one fine day that hot body of yours reaches an expiration date and you'll be back looking for that little something called companionship...

To Mr.P, 

I'll be there witnessing your wedding and the upbringing of your family. And you will see me in your life in the future. That point when you do see me in my 'almost-everything-designer', I will take comfort in knowing that you'll always miss the times (and that person i.e., yours truly) when you had someone whom looked after you (under most circumstances) and gave you mind-blowing blowjobs!

As for me, companionship for me now means friends albeit extending to only a few close ones.

I am turning into a cynical, jaded person who's full of witty sarcasm (let's hope) and loves being all he is. Not forcefully, rather willfully; I am halfway there.

And when people give me that pitiful stare (all that bullshit about being alone and not finding love), I shall do the same when they have to run off for diaper change duty, go on about their nagging boyfriends/girlfriends, complain about the monotony of married life or complain about how cash is always so insufficient when you have a family to run.

Welcome the new Hdaran; optimistically wry and scornfully ferocious (all in an ambiguously good way of course)!

Vogue.com

I wish Mr. P Never Happened

I can't help but feeling how 'OK' my life would've been if Mr.P never happened!!!

No depression.
Done with my Masters and probably halfway through my PhD.
Had sex with lots of people and had fun.
Earned some cash.
Still living in the capital city.
No smoking.
Dancing my heart out (I once stayed away from dancing because I was so stupid to think that it would make him more satisfied of me).
All this still very much the tip of the iceberg.

How I wish....

I Still Miss Him...

I still miss him...

Not in the sad depressed sort of way but in a more, I wish 'WE' hadn't been beyond not salvageable. Not that I am hoping for it to ever happen again.

I drove down to his grandmother's place earlier, just to re-visit that place where I had been come part of his family...

The front passenger seat of my parents' car which I drove down had previously been heated by the warmth of his buttock. How that drove me nuts when I used to think about it over a year ago... He always, ALWAYS took the privilege of having that seat despite me having driven other friends of ours in that car.

All that seems so distant.

I never expected him to be in my past...

Turns out, his family misses me. I was told by my neighbour from my current aboding varsity that he knows Mr. P.

This happened over a week ago.

It seems that this neighbour's girlfriend knows Mr. P's family. How that connects; the details are very vague. But he told me to get in touch with Mrs. GE (a.k.a Mr. P's mom). He also ended the conversation like this; 'rindu kat u kot' - maybe she misses you...

When I hear things like this, all I can do is stare at blank space reminiscing whatever memories we have had together, take a deep breath and smile followed by a faint giggle.

You don't just rid of all the memories you've had with a person you spent 1 and half years of your life together with, practically 24/7. Moreover if you have loved him/her.

All you can do is carry them with you scattering a little away as time goes by hoping that one day you may empty that baggage and find a new one to fill memories with...

My 100th Post Goes: Someone Slap Me, Please!!!

I hate it when plans are cancelled, made, re-cancelled and re-made again!!!

Was supposed to go down to the capital city, that got cancelled when I had to drive mom down to Batu Caves. Then that got cancelled because my brother was suffering from a possible gastro-intestinal infection. I could've made that trip down to the capital city anyway but The High Priestess insisted that I wait for the outcome of my brother's condition and today, lo and behold, I am driving down mom to Batu Caves after all. When the Batu Caves trip was almost cancelled, I thought to myself, great, at least I wouldn't miss my dance class but yet again, today I find out that plans have been made to leave prior to my dance class! Fabulous!
*rolls eyes*

I am exhausted! Mentally; trying to boost myself because I thought I'd be missing a concert that I wanted to go to with the fact I wouldn't miss my dance classes and then now, I have to pick myself up again because I had already programmed in my mind that missing my dance class wasn't worth it. Before I could catch my breath, boom, I am probably attending the concert again when I had already confirmed my attendance for class with my trainer.

Just a gist of the all known 'all in a days work' notion.

Whilst in Heartbreak-ville, Wink N U'll Know's relationship (only because the man actually says 'I love you' unlike Mr. P) with the straight man (refer to The Characters on Optimistic Always) is at the edge. Worse; the character in question is possibly jealous of me because Wink N U'll Know and myself exchange a lot of friendly pleasantries on two popular online social network sites. Great!!! Just great!!!

Worst of all, I have been neglecting my research. My sleeping pattern is all over the place again and I seem to be snoozing and getting up at odd hours. This, in turn, has made me miss going to the lab in the mornings when I obviously should be inching towards the end of my work. If things weren't bad enough, the protocols I have been using has seen a slight glitch forcing me to look through more research papers, books and techniques to modify them.

If there was one thing I prayed for, it was that I'd forget my past and move on. I finally have, and I know it but the future seems tiring! I am already feeling knocked down by this and God I am still in my twenties! What's to become in the future? When I finally own my place? Start making payments? Tend to my ageing parents? All while trying make my career work for me and with me? *deep breath*

Say it to yourself Hdaran;

"Aummmmmm....... Aummmmmm........... AUMMMMMMMM...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Crap, even that doesn't work anymore.

Ok then, back to being hectic again!

I think I need motivation of a biblical proportion, probably one that involves Abraham Lincoln as head of a cheer-leading squad; with Mahatma Gandhi and Lao Tzu on the team!

HELP ME, SLAP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Regret

What truly is 'regret'?

That time when you missed your favourite dance recital because you decided your family could use you around?

OR

That pair of one of a kind Blahnik you missed because you were planning to pay for your beloved's Valentine's gift?

Is it justified to say that we regret when we could have gone back in time and change some things in our past? Or is 'regret' a term for self consolation? What does regretting truly entail?

I for one have my own specifically designed take on the idea. For me, regret is when some misjudgment, in the past has got repercussions in the present. And when the repercussions become ceaseless, recurring at every path you take and at every corner you turn, a pang of anguish manifests. Regret.

I regret but one thing in life, falling in love with the wrong person unattainable person.

When your life seems to still be effected by that one moment when you surrendered, you regret.

But then again, I have also realised that try as might, I would never be able to shake off the feeling that I am inadequate in so many other aspects of my life that could have been better have I been stronger. Not that I am passing over my own achievements but to know that capabilities are somewhat restrained by mere redundancies I stop to think that maybe regret is the only way I can sum things up. Self consolation perhaps?

Would I go back in time and change it? Even I cannot seem to find an answer for that. True; to suffer a physical wound is far more palatable than to survive a broken heart. Not all of us get second chances and the foresight to see how the 'yes' and the 'no' may unfold (speaking solely on clairvoyant abilities) and we never (at least in the realms of logic and science) get a 'do-over' because there is no turning back time. Even if it does exist, our memories and experiences are only as good as the moment they get, voluntarily or involuntarily, deleted. Still the answer seems like an enigma; I am clueless if I would've been just as pleased with my life 'if'.

Regret.

So far, only one in my life.

I have reasoned every other miss.

Sometimes it's just best to left the unanswered, unanswered.

Indifference and ignorance are, in this case our best bet because......

Who would ever know 'if'?

Trying to decipher it would leave us back where we started.

Theirs Was A Perfect Marriage (A Fiction by Hdaran)

No one really knew why Shanthi had messed up her life. A mother of two she was the epitome of a perfect Indian housewife. In between managing the notorious duo, Suman and Nikhil, Shanthi oozed radiance from her every pore. Never a frown, never a complaint, never once did the husband say, "the coffee is too sweet", or "my towel needs replacing"; the need never arose. Shanthi never left anything unattended to. Their's was a neat, tidy and pleasantly designed home; one that would make magazine covers any day.

Proud of her upbringing Shanthi's mother always took pride in hastening people over to Shanthi's place.

"Seven o'clock, your aunty Kamala wants a look at how you re-did your prayer alter," her mom always called an hour earlier. Never later, never sooner. Always just an hour. And always with relatives.
"Ok ma, Rishi will be back from work just in time for the evening prayers. Aunty can join us and I have some vadais frying in the pan," she always obliged, in a happy tone even.
"Wonderful!!! Appa sends his love too," much to her delight, Shanthi always appreciated 'love' from her father. The steadfast BA English graduate earned his degree way back in 1965.
"Thanks amma. See you in an hour," so sublimely structured; the mother-daughter conversation never steered far. It was almost picture perfect; right out of a translated, well written Bollywood script.

Suman turned 12 years old that year, Nikhil was three years behind. Shanthi and Rishi planned the pregnancy only after three years into their marriage. Suman was two years old when the couple celebrated their 5th anniversary. Rishi never forgot their anniversary and Shanthi always cooked her husband's favorite dishes. Rishi always came back with flowers never lacking an accompanying piece of jewelery or a saree and Shanthi always managed to put the children to bed on time on that one night; no exceptions. Rishi never worked the day after their anniversary and Shanthi always slipped into her finest Indian ensemble for the night, complete with bangles, earrings, necklace and three spurts of her best; most intoxicating perfume.

That year, at 12 years of age, Suman lost his mother.
At 65 'appa' lost his youngest.
At 38 Rishi lost his wife.
At 37, Shanthi lost her will to live.

That year, Shanthi plunged to her death from the 12th floor right out of the lawyer's office.
She was present there to sign some legal papers regarding Rishi's assets.
The family lawyer had proved his alibi because he was spotted by no less than 12 other witnesses outside his office collecting some documents. Concurrently, the same no-less-than-12 people heard the window breaking and some hurried in to the office to find Shanthi absent. The office was searched for evidence; all leading to one conclusion.

Shanthi committed suicide.

A family was lost.
The portrait of perfection was shattered.
Her doing was unfathomable.
But there stood one suggestion of the contrary; one which was not to be found until years later.

Underneath her perfect life, and her perfect family, in a perfect teak cupboard that stored her perfect pristine white bedsheets, underneath exactly 10 layers of 1000 thread count Egyption cotton sheets, there, laid an imperfect picture.

A flat jewelery casing containing a faded yellow thread, bearing a familiar gold pendant. The pendant, sacred to married Hindu women, was a 'mangalyam', and not that of her husband Rishi's.

Just One Freaking AM With One Freaking Movie!!!

I was supposed to be in bed 5 hours ago.

*writing pauses for about a minute*

I looked down at the pack of Marlboro Lights which still had a few sticks left in it. I bought it only a couple of hours ago. I took out one stick and left it aside. I looked down on the Marlboro Lights again.

"I don't love you anymore," the words formed in my head.

"But i'll go through the ordeal one last time before I say goodbye to you forever."

I chewed on two apples earlier, remains of which were on my table on a piece of cardboard I tore off from the box of 'INDOCAFE Coffeemix I bought yesterday. I looked at them and then at my Marlboro Lights yet again.

I paused.

"Do you really want to do this?" my head asked me.

"YES!" loud and clear, I heard my heart telling me.

I stuffed the leftover apples in the box with the rest of the remaining cigarettes. And closed the box. And then lighted up the one cigarette I placed aside right after I typed the aforementioned '*writing pauses for about a minute*'.

Earlier today, a few things happened that brought me back to the times I was doomed to a mattress in my living room; mosquitoes biting me, parents constantly yapping away about how my studies was still hanging, uncertain about my future, trying to get over Mr. P, trying to sleep with the dog howling outside like there's no tomorrow, trying to lose weight in the midst of all this happening, helping out my brother with his relationship, accommodating my possible future sister-in-law even if I didn't want to, trying to smoke every opportunity I get because that was the one thing that made me relax, trying not to feel like my life is hopeless, trying to hope that God would come to my rescue soon, wishing that I may be hit by a lorry and die so that I wouldn't feel anymore pain, crying nights out because I still missed Mr. P, worrying that my family may never get out of the financial crisis that they were going through, hoping that my best friend wouldn't give up on me, still wishing that I could have gender reassignment surgery and one day be re-united with Mr. P (even if it means him cheating on his future wife), constantly wondering why I was put through this...

And then I hit 7-Eleven, bought two cans of beer which I downed within five minutes and a pack of Marlboro Lights. All along the way to the outlet, I was talking to myself that I don't deserved to be put through this and trying to figure out if the nicotine addiction will still be prevalent when I am stressed.

When I came back, I caught up with a few friends over messenger, watched some YouTube videos and tried to get back to sleep.

I failed to snooze.

An hour later, I watched a few more videos on YouTube and realised I still couldn't sleep.

So I clicked on 'Computer', double-clicked on Local Disk (E:), double-clicked on the folder 'movies' and browsed through for something to get me through the night.

I realised why the night was not easy. I was alone. My room-mate had gone back to his hometown; his company would have kept me away from the tobacco.

There was one movie in particular I kept putting off watching for so long. I had this movie in my laptop for several months now. According to GJ Kind Boy, it was a sad movie.

I didn't want to take chances. I 'Google'd it for reviews. After finding a critic review of the movie, I thought, why not. So I did.

The packet of Marlboro Lights (or any other label for the matter) saw it's end after the movie ended and when I started typing this.

It is strange how this was all planned. This movie that I've always clicked on only to turn off because I thought I could not handle it. This movie, sitting so long in my folder never once played through, never once made to the end, now it has. Why now? Why this particular moment?

PS, I love you was a movie about letting go and moving on.

About losing a loved one and helping yourself get through it.

About how the worst of things can turn into silver linings.

About how when a door closes, a window indeed opens somewhere.

About how even though you may have lost a part of you, piecing it back together is possible.

About how even if you piece yourself back together and it doesn't look so good, you would still admire it because YOU pieced it back together.

PS I love you was nothing like what I went through.

But PS I love you taught me to stand back and see how I have already pieced myself together.

2008, August, my life became a mess.

2009, August and thereafter I was a mess.

2010 August I was still a mess.

2011 February I was not done being a mess but I was a mess put so well together that I admired it.

I picked up after me and glued my existence together. I threw out all the parts that did not fit and replaced it with compatible ones. They were not necessarily new, but they fit.

This fresh Hdaran might very well break again but practice makes perfect. Piecing should be easier the next time around.

PS Marlboro Lights ended up in the dustbin like a one time shot I could never miss!!!

新年快乐!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

新年快乐!!!

Let the abundance flow!!!

Courtesy of Metro Co. UK

So The Days Go On...

I did a quarter marathon today!!! All 10 kilometers of it!!! Took me a good hour and 10 minutes but I did it!!! A feat I never thought possible in my wildest dreams!!! (Ok la, a bit too much; a feat I thought was only remotely possible maybe??? :P)

Well, Muscle Loaded and I are getting along well it seems. His promiscuity has been a little under the radar and he seems to be saying that he is feeling pangs of loneliness... One guess why!!! ^.^

My research is going surprisingly smooth and soon enough I'd be pursuing my doctorate. Ah, what a sense of accomplishment. And all this while being a dance student!!! Once I start my doctorate I am going to pay for makeup lessons and a few years down the road; salsa!!!

Back on my healthy; 2% or less fat, high fiber, low carb, high protein, vitamins and minerals, diet again. Once you start eating healthy, your body reacts differently to oil and grease. It repels... I feel like puking every time I try and ingest something unhealthy... The last KFC I had had to be the worst!!!

I am so totally over Mr. P. I don't ever think of him anymore. Except when a maroon Wira drives along. Only that one scenario... So I went ahead and did the unthinkable. I sent a request to add him on the popular social networking page. He accepted, THE END.