Sigh.... Straight People

If you're gay and reading this, doesn't it make you mad when straight people go...

"I wish I was gay. Life would be so easy to date a woman/man. They would just understand me better."

If you live in a country where being gay is widely accepted or if you just come from a family who's accepting then fine. I get the appeal.

But if you come from a country where being gay is illegal, and from a society that has a strong stigma towards what they think is "perversion" then your statement of wanting to be gay is so annoying!!! Especially if you're saying it to another gay person!

Think of it! Being gay is still WIDELY considered perversion! So, to me, it is annoying regardless.

Sigh straight people. Do you know how many gay people out there that wish they were straight just because life would be NORMAL....???? Forget simplicity, for many of us, all we crave is normalcy! Why do you think so many gay rights activist fight for gay marriage???

A Changeover

As a child, among other things, I absolutely despised being in crowded spaces.
I still do but being 32 it now depends on context.
If a group of people are crowding a space to get free food then I am the child.
If a group of people are crowding a space for something I believe to be a glimpse of electric spiritual energy then I am my version post changeover.
Case in point, Thaipusam.

It has, over time, gone from a festival I was uncomfortable with because of crowds (with the uncalled addition of a fraction of Malaysian Indian men whose abominable need to be drunk and dancing on the streets during a time of fulfilling one's vows and penance made me furious), to a gala of sorts celebrating Lord Muruga and the effects a cosmic constellation brings about in lives of the devoted, that I now have come to look forward to (of course blissfully ignoring the parade of ignorant men "celebrating" Thaipusam in intoxication).

Thaipusam 2018 was the most eventful to date because this was the first one after the recent paradigm shift in life.
My eyes welled up when I was in front of the deity staring at him being bathed in abhishegam offerings as I handed the temple volunteers my end of the bargain.

Thaipusam just become much MUCH more significant in my life.

I miss it already and I anxiously await the next!!!

It Was About Time

It was just about time.... A gay neighbour.
In this situation, however, the boy grew up living a few doors down from my parents' and lo and behold, as my gaydar never fails, he grew into a gay man.
Messaged me on a gay dating network and at 22, he's a child!
I've been on a date with 21 and 25 and 27 year olds. I WAS all that. I'd NEVER date me and I'd probably never be with anyone that young! Or date anyone that young anymore. GOD NO!

Dear Just Me

I guess as I get older, death is an inevitable part of my life.

I'm not referring solely to myself but the people around me.

I went 29 years of my life before I finally lost someone close to me; my grandma in 2015.

And now, I've encountered the deaths of people I know and am close to.

Yesterday was Ponggal, the Tamil thanksgiving celebration.

Yesterday, a friend of mine passed.

She's never been mentioned here but she was a dear dear friend.

God, bless this soul.

Take her into your arms and end her suffering because she has... suffered... So much!

I pray her soul has attained peace...

Hari Om Tat Sath

Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi...

Nothing To Run Home About

Mr. P and I are related!
Wow!!! I'm still talking about him all these years later huh....
Well, his sister is part of my extended family and if there ever was a gathering which included my eldest aunt's husband's family, I am for SURE to see her.
Who else do you think she reminds me of?
Funny enough, Mr. P is a stranger now.
A complete stranger.

I still do one thing though.

Wish him Happy Birthday.

Every year...

Happy 2018

2017 was nightmarish for me!

Good FUCKING riddance!!!!!!!!!

I am glad 2018 is here.

I have a GREAT FEELING about this year!

No Checklist

Nope, not doing a checklist for 2018.

Let's get PhD done first.

I've got no other aspirations....

Remember I am in Love #1?

Dear Just Me,

Remember when I posted the first ever I am in Love???

Let me refresh you....

.

.

.

.

.

.

He's now the star of the epic Telugu/Tamil film Baahubali.

The world now realises he's hot and shit.

He's so famous now that he's getting a wax statue in Madam Tussauds!!!

I SAW HIM FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmppppphhhhh......

So annoyed!

Oh well, in my dream now, I'm pushing a shit tonne loads of other bitches to get to him!

:P :P :P

Am I Racist

Am I racist because I have never been attracted to fair skinned people?

In my family (in fact, generally among Malaysian Indians), being fair is coveted and skin darkness inversely correlates to attractiveness.
I was constantly compared to my brother who happened to be gratuitously fair for being born to deep tanned Indian parents. I was, by default, the uglier sibling. My entire extended family shared this view.
There was this one single situation that happened when I was a child that cemented my believe that I was uglier than my brother. Not ugly, just uglier. An aunt of mine was introducing me to a relative....

Aunt: There this is her eldest son.
Relative X: Oh, I see hello aiya...
Aunt: Wait wait, you see the younger fella, that fella fairer and more good looking.

*acknowledging nods*
Yes, that happened.

However, as we grew up, I was flabbergasted when people would tell me that I happened to be more attractive than my brother.
I guess, under that fair-skin-is-attractive filter, my family members failed to recognise bone structure.

That seemed to have no affect on ONE inherent quality in me.
Somehow, I, unknowingly became averse to fair skinned people in being romantically attracted to them.

For me, the darker a person is, the more attractive he (or she also can la..... since I am gay I just use 'he' la!) is.
Does that make me a racist then?
Because imagine me telling you I am not attracted to you because you're too fair...

My Life Just Changed All Over Again

I've spoken about being spiritual and spirituality in the past.

There's a saying in Tamil;

கற்றது கை மண்ணளவு,கல்லாதது உலகளவு.
Kattratu   kai    mannalavu        kallathathe       ulagavu

Phonetically, kattratu (learned) kai (hand) mannalavu (measure sand), kallatathe (not learned) ulagalavu (measure Earth).

What we have learned is as much as a handful of sand and what we haven't relatively equals the world.

Although I may have a little more knowledge than some people around me in terms of Hindu spirituality, I still feel like I have conquered but a tiny minuscule dot in a sea of knowledge. Not even in the field I work in, do I know as much as a dot in the vast sea of knowledge.

No one person can learn it all. If you think you have, you are inherently bigoted! Plain and simple!

With that being said, I have told Optimistic Always (then) and Just Me, more recently, that spirituality would be my ultimate goal.

I always assumed that would happen a long time into the future, in perhaps a decade or two.

In a turn of events that epitomised the saying, every cloud brings a silver lining, I am now already on that journey!

I've started meditating twice a day and my life is filled with temples, books, and movies all about spirituality, Hindu mythology and things alike!

I spend my times visiting temples these days.

I've almost completely given up on alcohol. Not by choice but by the single reason that my body is responding negatively to it! I don't get the good feeling when I am tipsy anymore. In fact, my body heats up and I feel anxiety creeping up on me when I get tipsy.

As you already know I have given up the tobacco.

And revelation; I am slowly turning to vegetarianism.

Again, it started as simply to fulfill a Thaipusam vow and then I realised how erratic I got when I do eat meat. The more I reduced meat intake, the more focused I became when I meditated and the more calm I am generally. 

Trust me, I ain't gonna turn into one of those preachy people who get all judgy when they become holier than thou!

I met up with a couple of friends of mine and happily indulged in bacon, and sniffed some unlighted cigarettes they had (it's just something I do when I miss tobacco).

I will be always the J I am. 

I am just on that spiritual journey much sooner than I anticipated, even if the events that transpired was perhaps the nastiest bout of self doubt, hatred and almost losing my mind I have ever gone through (YES, even compared to the Mr. P fiasco).

FYI, it had nothing to do with a man!