My Little Acting Stint Thus Far

Many genderqueer or transgender people go through a stage in their life when they just accept being gay. Mostly because they want to just get through life as painlessly as possible. However, being ostracised for not conforming to gender norms makes them question everything and if information and education is at their disposal they eventually find their way to a place where they can finally identify themselves, accept who they are, and know they're not alone by aligning with people alike. The likelihood of a transgender or even a genderqueer person to get to this particular point is, I would say, an uncommon scenario in a third world country. I can safely say I am blessed to have taken (or been put on), a route that has led me here. 

Questions in me when I was fresh out of that plague called Mr. P have slowly found resolution. I am still not entirely sure of myself but I am in a much, MUCH better state of being than I was when I wrote this.

With all that taken into consideration, being part of a stage play that requires me to get "dressed as girl", (hence "drag") has been so invigorating that I almost forgot that a stage play requires one indispensable aspect above everything else; ACTING!

When I had initially agreed to do this role, it was a friend that had actually coaxed me into it, painting me a picture of optimism and positivity. It happened to be what actually convinced me into agreeing. However, I quickly found out that this wasn't the case. I had an altercation with my friend due to contradicting requests I got from the director, not in terms of the acting itself but in terms of absence notifications for practice sessions. Thereafter, all I have been getting has been cold shoulder, DURING practice sessions, both from the director AND my friend. I do understand why this happened. These people, including my so called friend, are young(er) and they do bitch about everyone else they deem worthy of "bitching". I have witnessed this first hand, before the altercation, when everything was still flowers and butterflies between, me, my friend, and the director. This friend, of course, will be history to me after this play ends, as will be the director. 

Now, getting to the "moral of the story", if acting is something I am passionate about like odissi or makeup even, I would tolerate the worst. In fact, I have tolerated, being shouted at for not giving my all during practice, being called untalented and receiving comments that basically meant that I had deviated knowledge on dance, particularly odissi. None of this made me want to quit, NOT FOR A SECOND! I am awaiting my return to TDS with faith, hope and a strong conviction that I will prevail! 

However, acting isn't a passion of mine, and if this is what it takes to act, and by 'this' I mean petty attitude due to an altercation that was NOT my fault, then I am SORRY, I am bidding adieu to acting after this stint. FOR GOOD!

As for doing drag, well that is something I am still unsure of. I am guessing I'll know for sure, if I DO want to pursue it when I have the entire ensemble on during opening night! And Just Me will be getting every detail of that!

I Can't Believe It!

It's been a year since I've quit smoking!

Every time this thought occurs an urge creeps up all over me.

I remember how nicotine in my bloodstream was like.

And I feel like lighting one up.

The urges have been slowly retrograding both, in terms of intensity and in terms of frequency.

I fight it.

And I've succeeded for a year now.

And every time I overcome that urge it immediately develops into a this sense of accomplishment!

I quit smoking!

WOW!

I never thought I would be able to do this!

Thank you GOD!

First Box Ticked Off On The 2015 Checklist

There were 5 things to check off on my 2015 checklist.

#5 was; 

Do drag. Yes! Eyelashes, high heels, bra wigs and all!!!

#5 was the thing I was most apprehensive of, not because I was afraid but because I poorly foresaw nothing but mistiming.

God works in mysterious ways.

I am part of a stage play which requires me to be in drag.

Practice sessions have commenced and I have the full script in my possession already.

I am doing drag baby; eyelashes, high heels, bra, wigs and all!!!

So #5 CHECK!

4 more things to go!

A Love Affair I Never Wrote About

I kinda like this thing with the misleading title and the completely unexpected content.

With that, I am referring to a love affair that came from being able to be my true, authentic self, one hundred percent.

It was a love affair that so many others didn't agree with because they've had bad experiences.

It was a love affair so grand because it contained, within it, a love affair.

My love affair with KL.

Capital city.

Until Mr. P happened, I wasn't anyone but myself!

And even when Mr. P happened, I was at least 50 percent myself. AT LEAST!

KL opened access to makeup, learning it in depth and being able to buy it without being looked at like I was a homeless man (I get judgmental looks all the time when I walk into high end beauty stores where I live and every sales assistant just assumes I know nothing about makeup!).

KL opened access to the gay community for me and elaborated to me how many things work.

KL opened access to friendship with so many types of people! Trans-people, gays, lesbians, bigots, zealots, artsy people, liberal people, and I am happy to have known each one of them!

KL opened access to all the wonderful things I have only read and heard about; I remember cooing and sighing in front of Prada KLCC!

KL was where I could wear my foundation, powder, blush, bronzer, kohl, chapstick and mascara and strut with my most prized possession at that time; a Padini tote.

KL was where I could find all the cheap makeup stuff I wanted! Cheap falsies by the bulk was my one favourite item!!!

KL was where I fell in love too...

Sigh I do miss you KL...

Love; J.

Huh???

Sometimes I see some of the people I found really annoying from school getting hitched.

Well I added them on Facebook because they were my classmates from like......., Stone Age.

And I think to myself, wow, they found a person who could actually tolerate them?

Then I see those douche bags former classmates who are now parents.

And I think to myself, wow, they really shouldn't be allowed to reproduce! Imagine the kind of mentality their kids would grow up to possess. And these kids represent the future society!!!

And then follow with the thought that, how the hell are their offspring going to learn any good values?

But then, I give them the benefit of my doubt. I DO! Hey, well, people change!

Then I realise, raising a child is no stroll in the park.

Because I've seen the amount of work, energy, funds, emotional investment, sacrifice, physical labour  and time that goes into the entire process.

And I wonder, is a child really that worth it?

Especially with overpopulation.

And then I realise hey, this is redundant!

I don't f**king care about having kids!!!

Hell I don't even believe in marriage!!!!

In that very moment and at that very instant, that particular thought fills my heart and my being with a wave of warm comfort.

And I breath a sigh of relief that I was born gay.

And although my life may not have been all I have wanted, it has always been the best version it can be!

And I fervently hope it WILL continue be the best version that it has always been!

Why "Gender is an unnecessary illusion"

No, I am not about to discuss nuances of the notion nor am I going to discuss its relevance in society, pop-culture, ethics, or politics. Nothing whatsoever!

This is, as my blog title says, JUST ME!

I knew at a very young age that I was different.

(It is pretty common for gay men and many trans/pan/bi/everything else gender people to come up with this line when discussing gender identity. Mine is no different.)

I love everything the Malaysian Indian society stereotypically labels feminine; makeup, dance, cooking, jewelry, clothes. However, I have never consciously thought myself to be female.

I remember my parents caught me playing with my mother's lipstick when I was 5 years old. They scolded me and asked me if I wanted to be female and wear dresses instead. I was terrified but at that particular moment I was not above telling the truth. To be honest I lie to my parents constantly. CONSTANTLY! I knew they would disapprove of many things I did. But at that very moment, my instinct wasn't to lie. And then came a word from my mouth that somehow put things into perspective for me, in present time. I replied, "No".

When Mr. P was in my life, I thought about it many times, going to the extend of posing a question on Facebook somewhere in the lines of ME having reassignment surgery (to match the body to one's gender). However, it dawned upon me that I never wanted to do it for myself. I wanted to do it for him.

I have been curious! I have! I still think myself to be a beautiful woman had I been assigned female at birth or even if I self-identified as female. All my life, I have been reading articles, watching interviews, watching movies, and have even contacted reassignment surgery doctors from Thailand with questions to which one doctor in particular had extensive answers for.

Separating from Mr. P and reevaluating my life, who I am, who I envision myself to be (and many more boring questions like these) lead me to 2014, when I made grand discoveries. A term called gender-fluidity.

I am gender-fluid. I am beyond femininity and love being born with the XY chromosome.

My makeup, dance, and drag queen persona make me female, my physical appearance and my acceptance and love for it make me male! Gender is an unnecessary illusion!

Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me,

This character has never been mentioned but is Madam R's flesh and blood; her (younger) brother.

It has been barely two months since Madam K kicked the bucket.

As of 17th February 2015, Madam R's brother is no more.

And he too died on an auspicious day and time.

Thank you granduncle.

For being a pillar of strength to the family when you had your strength.

And the memories of you as the strong, steadfast man you once were will be memories I shall carry to the grave.

God, take this soul, this child of yours, protect him and give him Sat-Chit-Anandam (eternal bliss).

Let him be free from karmic dues and be one with you.

I offer my solemn prayer for your soul granduncle.

Hari Om Tat Sath.

Om Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi...

It's About Time I Revealed *name will be inserted in the near future*

Since The Wizard, there hasn't really been a person worth mentioning on Just Me. Not until now. 

Description; Brown, chubby, English lit graduate. Sweet, kind, slightly socially awkward and loves playing virtual games. Football fanatic, very agreeable, slightly naive yet attentive and understanding. 

The connection; Past the superficial getting to know each other stage and at the can-we-work-? level. Still don't know how I truly feel about him in terms of a relationship and vice versa (although he did express wanting to be exclusive). Sexually compatible (have hit first base and we 'pop' for each other! Ding ding ding!).

Seems like every time I go around parading the fact that I may have a new man in my life it all snow-slides into oblivion and then, like an unannounced, ripening toe corn, "friend-zone"!!! Which is the reason why I have kept this one under-covers. Even Cookies and Cakes expressed flippant disdain upon my request for a nick-name for this new one. Disdain not due to the absence of his sarcasm boosting muse but due to the fact that even he knew very little of the new man. 

Via Whatsapp;

J: What nick name would you give 'the new man'. The chubby guy I'm seeing at the moment.... 

CnC: Ah? Y? I don't know anything about him. You never talked about him often enough to leave a lasting impression other than he's chubby. And very low profile cos he's in ****. In other words just another closeted brown man in ****. AND in the bigger picture, YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING! Oh Gawd, I'm so crestfallen. Sobz.

Oh the superfluous portrayal of emotion via text! Cookies and Cakes should get, the very least, a Tony! He is however the unofficial name-giver for my conquests, one of which has appeared on Just Me; Sunbear. Upon further discussion Cookies and Cakes declared the following;

CnC: Enough said, HRH has henceforth spoken. The plebeian shall be bestowed with the name of the unbeknownst. Until further notice. 

So until further notice (this is a first on Just Me), the new man shall be called *name will be inserted in the near future*.

Madam K's Send Off

I was in awe at the grandeur of Madam K's send-off.

It wasn't a flashy venue.
There weren't intricate decorations.
No silver cutlery, no Fine China, no table settings.

But I've seen many MANY weddings with more sober celebrations than Madam K's send-off.

The sheer amount of garlands, bouquets, stalks upon stalks of flowers of every conceivable colour. Tamil folk music with firecrackers.
The sea of people that crowded the land surrounding Madam K's kampung house (wooden house on stilts).
Rituals, steps, prayers and customs were done so meticulously with no room for error.

I didn't shed tears, for the most part at least, because it seemed ridiculous. She was old, senile, amnesiac, incontinent, bed-ridden, on a liquid diet AND suffering. I actually heaved a sigh of relief that her epic life saw the resolution it needed. Her karmas washed away via physical suffering the past year. I celebrated her death! Of course I shed a couple of tears when they were reeling her coffin into the electric incinerator only because that was my last goodbye to her (certainly promising her that'll we'll meet again in the astral plane).

All the children and grandchildren observed a month long vegetarian diet which also included abstinence from alcohol and attending any form of parties.

We were also forbidden to enter temples and participate in holy rituals for the month only because it was a respectable mourning period.

It was also decided that Thaipusam would be forgone as it followed too soon after her death.

According to the undertaker, since she had passed on such an auspicious time, it is believed that being a guardian angel, she would look after us as an enlightened soul.

He suggested that all her children keep a part of her in their homes in the form of her hand print done on a white cloth with turmeric paste.


In loving memory of Madam K.
(unknown - 2015)

Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me,

Madam K is no more.

She had apparently passed on a very auspicious day and on a very auspicious time.

Souls passing on this day apparently will become one with God.

Thank you grandmother.

You have given me some of the best, most vivid memories in my life.

 Ever since senility descended, I have been missing you and your warm love.

God, take this soul into your arms and protect her for she is your child too.

Hari Om Tat Sath

Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi...

You will be missed.