Why "Gender is an unnecessary illusion"

No, I am not about to discuss nuances of the notion nor am I going to discuss its relevance in society, pop-culture, ethics, or politics. Nothing whatsoever!

This is, as my blog title says, JUST ME!

I knew at a very young age that I was different.

(It is pretty common for gay men and many trans/pan/bi/everything else gender people to come up with this line when discussing gender identity. Mine is no different.)

I love everything the Malaysian Indian society stereotypically labels feminine; makeup, dance, cooking, jewelry, clothes. However, I have never consciously thought myself to be female.

I remember my parents caught me playing with my mother's lipstick when I was 5 years old. They scolded me and asked me if I wanted to be female and wear dresses instead. I was terrified but at that particular moment I was not above telling the truth. To be honest I lie to my parents constantly. CONSTANTLY! I knew they would disapprove of many things I did. But at that very moment, my instinct wasn't to lie. And then came a word from my mouth that somehow put things into perspective for me, in present time. I replied, "No".

When Mr. P was in my life, I thought about it many times, going to the extend of posing a question on Facebook somewhere in the lines of ME having reassignment surgery (to match the body to one's gender). However, it dawned upon me that I never wanted to do it for myself. I wanted to do it for him.

I have been curious! I have! I still think myself to be a beautiful woman had I been assigned female at birth or even if I self-identified as female. All my life, I have been reading articles, watching interviews, watching movies, and have even contacted reassignment surgery doctors from Thailand with questions to which one doctor in particular had extensive answers for.

Separating from Mr. P and reevaluating my life, who I am, who I envision myself to be (and many more boring questions like these) lead me to 2014, when I made grand discoveries. A term called gender-fluidity.

I am gender-fluid. I am beyond femininity and love being born with the XY chromosome.

My makeup, dance, and drag queen persona make me female, my physical appearance and my acceptance and love for it make me male! Gender is an unnecessary illusion!