Am I Racist

Am I racist because I have never been attracted to fair skinned people?

In my family (in fact, generally among Malaysian Indians), being fair is coveted and skin darkness inversely correlates to attractiveness.
I was constantly compared to my brother who happened to be gratuitously fair for being born to deep tanned Indian parents. I was, by default, the uglier sibling. My entire extended family shared this view.
There was this one single situation that happened when I was a child that cemented my believe that I was uglier than my brother. Not ugly, just uglier. An aunt of mine was introducing me to a relative....

Aunt: There this is her eldest son.
Relative X: Oh, I see hello aiya...
Aunt: Wait wait, you see the younger fella, that fella fairer and more good looking.

*acknowledging nods*
Yes, that happened.

However, as we grew up, I was flabbergasted when people would tell me that I happened to be more attractive than my brother.
I guess, under that fair-skin-is-attractive filter, my family members failed to recognise bone structure.

That seemed to have no affect on ONE inherent quality in me.
Somehow, I, unknowingly became averse to fair skinned people in being romantically attracted to them.

For me, the darker a person is, the more attractive he (or she also can la..... since I am gay I just use 'he' la!) is.
Does that make me a racist then?
Because imagine me telling you I am not attracted to you because you're too fair...

My Life Just Changed All Over Again

I've spoken about being spiritual and spirituality in the past.

There's a saying in Tamil;

கற்றது கை மண்ணளவு,கல்லாதது உலகளவு.
Kattratu   kai    mannalavu        kallathathe       ulagavu

Phonetically, kattratu (learned) kai (hand) mannalavu (measure sand), kallatathe (not learned) ulagalavu (measure Earth).

What we have learned is as much as a handful of sand and what we haven't relatively equals the world.

Although I may have a little more knowledge than some people around me in terms of Hindu spirituality, I still feel like I have conquered but a tiny minuscule dot in a sea of knowledge. Not even in the field I work in, do I know as much as a dot in the vast sea of knowledge.

No one person can learn it all. If you think you have, you are inherently bigoted! Plain and simple!

With that being said, I have told Optimistic Always (then) and Just Me, more recently, that spirituality would be my ultimate goal.

I always assumed that would happen a long time into the future, in perhaps a decade or two.

In a turn of events that epitomised the saying, every cloud brings a silver lining, I am now already on that journey!

I've started meditating twice a day and my life is filled with temples, books, and movies all about spirituality, Hindu mythology and things alike!

I spend my times visiting temples these days.

I've almost completely given up on alcohol. Not by choice but by the single reason that my body is responding negatively to it! I don't get the good feeling when I am tipsy anymore. In fact, my body heats up and I feel anxiety creeping up on me when I get tipsy.

As you already know I have given up the tobacco.

And revelation; I am slowly turning to vegetarianism.

Again, it started as simply to fulfill a Thaipusam vow and then I realised how erratic I got when I do eat meat. The more I reduced meat intake, the more focused I became when I meditated and the more calm I am generally. 

Trust me, I ain't gonna turn into one of those preachy people who get all judgy when they become holier than thou!

I met up with a couple of friends of mine and happily indulged in bacon, and sniffed some unlighted cigarettes they had (it's just something I do when I miss tobacco).

I will be always the J I am. 

I am just on that spiritual journey much sooner than I anticipated, even if the events that transpired was perhaps the nastiest bout of self doubt, hatred and almost losing my mind I have ever gone through (YES, even compared to the Mr. P fiasco).

FYI, it had nothing to do with a man!

Progression

So this is how I think it generally works.

20 ==> Optimistic about life! NOTHING can STOP me!!! I can conquer the world!!!

23 ==> First taste of romantic love.... LOVE IS EVERYTHING!!!! LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Roses, unicorns, pooping potpourri, smiling annoyingly phase.

26 ==> Heartbreak! Name of the game is cynicism! Life is hard. Love is bullshit! FUCK ALL THESE ASSHOLES!

30 ==> I just want more money. WORK WORK WORK WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

32 ==> (Genuinely, this is how even I feel) There is still a point sometimes when you don't know where you're going or what you're doing anymore. 3 decades on Earth and you feel like you don't know shit...

Sigh....

To Think

To think, where I come from, divorce is more accepted than gay unions.

One is an exercise in disagreement and unhappy endings and the other an exercise in celebrating love.

One, possibly a result of infidelity, the other merely the result of mutual affection.

One, resulting in broken families and hearts, the other a stepping stone to celebrating family, no matter how unconventional they may be.

One costly, the other free.

One, mostly negative, the other mostly positive.

I live in a world where where faith predominantly condones one and discriminates the other.

How?

Forget faith in God; doesn't this defy basic logic?

How can one undeniably unfavourable thing possibly prevail over another arguably positive thing?

HOW?????

I'm No Man, I Ain't A Woman Either!

Standing ovation.

My latest drag endeavor, which I think is going to be my last, received a standing ovation.

I mean, the entire cast got a standing ovation at the end of our show, but yea...

Goodbye wig, bra, heels, women's clothing and all that bright shining light on me.

I need to get back to my work.

Life's gonna get real bored and stressful, real fast!

Goodbye drag.

You showed me I like being a guy.

You showed me I like being a woman too.

And actually having fooled a couple of people that I am woman (for a while at least).

Feels good.

Here's a secret, I finally know how its like to feel love again.

From meeting some people via doing drag and losing my heart to them.

It's definitely a dead end.

But it's nice to know my heart can feel again.

BATB

Because a couple of subtle scenes is going to push an agenda that will turn the nation pro-homosexuals.

I Fucking Hate Weddings!

If you knew me in real life and follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a wonderful and eventful day that centered around my cousins wedding.

It may seem that I was having fun.

But it was entirely hypocritical!

Every single bit of it!!!

The only ray of wonderful amazing light was the fact that I was decked in a turquoise shirt and vesthi that had very broad gold borders.

Everything else was exhausting, infuriating, pathetic, frustrating and downright annoying.

I helped out... A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did my cousin's makeup and helped her choose her saree and pick out a matching costume jewellery set.
I helped with; menu selection
                       decor
                       choosing of songs
                       coordinating the performers
                       pre-planning
                       during pre-wedding rituals
                       groom's makeup
And MANY MORE!!!

All with a smile but a smile that is worth 10 eyerolls in the back of my head.
Getting jabbed by relatives with annoying probing questions.
Stupid jokes, oh the stupid jokes!
Old uncles with stupid jokes.
Old drunk uncles with stupid jokes.
Old drunk uncles with stupid jokes that I needed to respect.
Old aunties with stupid questions.
Old ugly aunties with stupid questions.
Old ugly aunties with stupid questions that I needed to respect.
Straight cousins.
Straight cousins who take a jab at me getting married next.
Straight cousins who take a jab at me getting married next that I needed to respect.
Lesser known relatives.
Lesser known relatives I had to smile and shake their hands.
Lesser know relatives that I had to smile at, shake their hands and make annoying small talks with.
Unknown relatives.
Unknown relatives I had to pretend to know.
Unknown relatives I had to pretend to know and smile at and shake theirs hands.
Kids I had to pretend to like.
Teenage cousins and nephews I had to exchange awkward stares with.

Just FYI, this is when I am a guest at the wedding.

Now add all that to my cousins wedding along with the following;

Pretending to dance like an uncle when I in actuality I want to move everyone away and show them why at one point people paid to watch me dance!
All while remembering tasks I had to accomplish throughout the wedding, both handed to me with and without my consent.
Sweating because all you do is run across the hall to get something done.
And you don't get to sit and rest for a minute because someone needs you.
Not being able to enjoy food because you were too busy.
Developing a bad breath because of all the work.
Developing BO because of the sweat (even if you have bathed in your designer perfume).

All in the name of marriage.
Something I don't believe in, in the first place.
Just because I know mom and her sister will be heart-broken if I abandoned them.

I FUCKING HATE WEDDINGS!

14th February #eyeroll

Every year V-day just gets a tiny bit more annoying.

And I still haven't fulfilled my wish of watching a horror movie on V-day with a platonic AF friend!

#eyeroll

That's what I am feeling in a nutshell!

Can Uh???

Several random thoughts,

Can a gay guy refer to a woman as "hot"?

Is it only me or do other gay guys stare at women's cleavage?

Is it ok to taste your own cum (TMI?)?

Happy 2017 + Checklist

2016 was FAH-BU-LOUS for me!!!! No complaints, no regrets, no tears. My stage play doing drag was perhaps, one of the top 10 single best experiences of my entire life!!! And 2016 was perhaps one of the best years of my entire life!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR J!!!
2017 did kick off with a little downer, however I have this feeling, as challenging as 2017 is going to be, it is going to be just as eventful...

Let's pull out the 2016 checklist shall we.

1. PhD; aim for 2018 graduation (this is to get the most out of a scholarship). To be resolved in 2017.
2. Get back to odissi. This is the year I am putting as much effort into it as I possibly can! This still a far away dream. I am definitely continuing my effort to get back into it.
3. Loose more weight! A total of 15kgs! SO CHECK!!!
4. Travel out of the country again. As evident by the third post in 2016, CHECK!!!
5. Get back to fashion. Try something small first. Awww... too bad, didn't start anything.... Let's do this in 2017 shall we?

2 out of 5, cheh, very bad! Damn! But I had fun!

2017 Checklist. Bitch, this year, I better check all FUCKING FIVE!!!!!!!!

I am pulling PhD out of the checklist because timeline isn't something very consistent but I do have a goal for 2017. A FUCKING viva (final exam/evaluation)  date HAS TO BE SET in 2018 checklist! IT HAS TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. ODISSI HAS TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!! IT JUST HAS TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. As an extension from #1, loose weight! I want to loose 30 kgs this year! YES 30KGS!!!!!!!!!!

3. Yes, get back to fashion, not trying anymore, get back to it!

4. Go meet my friends in different states. Meet CnC, Lifesize Teddy, Crazy Soldier, Confused Gal, GJ Kind Boy and Funny Architect (all of these people live very close to the capital). 

5. Started learning sign language early 2016, so, continue it! YouTube is helpful and one or two lessons a week will be very helpful!

 A pretty nice list. Let's go J!!!! LET'S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!