A Past Revisited

Earlier tonight was Mr.P's sister's engagement  (aiyo, I am over him la!!! This is not some "emofied" post!!!). I was there, not for the engagement but as a favour.

Rewind to last week during one particularly pumped up jogging evening.

*phone rings*

On the screen it read, "Mr n Mrs. GE", a.k.a Mr. P's parents.

(conversation contents have been edited due to poor memory retention)

Mrs. GE: Hallo Hdaran. Enna aiya rombo naala aachi pesi. Engelellam maranthethingela??? Aperum, epidi irukingeh??? (Hallo Hdaran. Has been long since we last spoke. Have you forgotten us??? Well, how are you???)

Hdaran: Aunty... Ille aunty, romboh busy ah irenthedthen, neraya vele irekke atha... Na nalla irekken aunty. Ninge, uncle, akka, thambi, ellam epidih irukkangeh??? (Aunty... I've just been very busy, lots of work to do. I am fine aunty. How are you, uncle, sister (Mr. P has an elder sister) little brother (Mr. P has a younger brother as well), and everyone else at home (referring to their relatives that live around the area)???)

Mrs. GE: Ellam nalla irekkangeh aiya. Aperum Mr. P (can't use his real name now can I???) sonnarah? Akkavekke parisam vetkirangene...? Adetha varem Nyayetteh kelemeh. Kandippa vanterengeh aiya. Ore naalekke munne vanterengeh. Ninge kolam potteh taringelah aiya? Mr. P tha sonnareh ningeh alaga kolam poduvingeh ne... (Everyone is fine. Did Mr. P tell you? That sister is getting engaged...? It's the Sunday after next. Make sure you come. Come here a day earlier. Can you prepare a "kolam" (Indian rice art, go "Google Image" it) for the occasion? Mr. P told me that you do a great job with it...)

Hdaran: Aama, sonna. Kolam poda solli ketta. Emmmm, urrrrmmmm, sari aunty... Varen aunty... Kolam potteh taren. (Yes he did tell me. He also told me about the kolam (it was a few messages on Facebook, and I decided long, long time ago, Mr. P's chapter on "Just Me" is obsolete). Emmmm, urrrrmmmm, ok aunty. I'll be there. I'll do the kolam (come on, how can I say no the woman whom treated me so well and showered nothing but hospitality?)).

So, I drove down on the 25th of March morning. Armed with a mahjong paper, on it a simple design and coloured rice. I had a nostalgic drive down to this obscure location on the Malaysian map. Scenes of so many heartwarming instances from a past life. The house, the roads, the temple, the Maroon Wira, the Petronas. It wasn't weird. It was like being home. Aside from the strong reminiscence, I was truly happy. Because I have, truly moved on.

Seeing him was nice. Really. I was ok being around him. The cloud has passed.

My work...

I think the real thing is the fact that I am falling for someone else.

FYI, I was out of there and on my way back home once I'd done my part. Some other important chores needed my utmost attention.

Reply to "A Cup of Coffee would have Made It Right!"

It was a rather quiet night. Unusually quiet for one as beautiful as this one. All I could hear was the sound of waves crashing against the beach in its everlasting effort to reach the shores.

I felt the night breeze gently caressing my skin, my hair waving away buoyed by the breeze which brought about a sort of soothing aroma from the sea. It made me think, how fortuitous is it for me to be able to spend such a peaceful night without any worries, without being distraught by the happenings of the world. Thinking that I have my own place in the world, being in the moment encapsulated by mother Earth's love to mankind.

I wouldn't have been so comfortable by my norms but today was different. Although I kept thinking how long this would go on, I wanted to savor it for as long as it lasts regardless, enjoying every morsel of joy.

My thoughts went deeper and I started questioning myself as to why or what gave me this much of comfort and pleasure. Something I have never felt since being in my mother's womb.

I realized then...

I was lying down on this plush pillow. A pillow which gave me a feeling that it was all for me, its mere existence was to make me happy. Slowly I opened my eyes. The first thing that I saw was this beautiful star lit sky which was somewhat overshadowed by the effervescent moon in all its glory. I wished I was one of those stars up there shining so brightly watching all that's happening in this world. But something told me that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but on that pillow.

It was just any pillow; blood gushed within coupled by a faint heartbeat. As I drowned into the heartbeat, I felt like it was saying my name with each stroke. It filled me with ecstasy just knowing that I was lying on your chest.

I woke and moved closer to your eyes, every second feeling like an eternity. As I moved forward, you tilted your head and opened your eyes. Your gaze met mine and as I looked deeper.

I realized..

My mere existence is to love and to be loved by you...

And you alone...

A Cup of Coffee would have Made It Right!

I woke up to all white, not pristine, yet clean and fresh! Nestled in the midst of the luxurious cotton bedspread was nothing. They could have been the same sheets I have back in my dorm room. 90% cotton and 10% polyester would have worked just fine. I placed my feet on the ground, expecting, in all that dizziness, for the icy sting of a cold morning cement floor. Carpeting greeted my soles instead. A minute passed by and it was still surrealism in it's bare essence. I stood up and another wave of ecstasy; a pair of skin tight cotton boxers with its advertising brand name printed across my hips. It was half past eleven in the morning. 

I alighted. One to the right and then to the left, each step forward, deliberately slowed down and grounded to feel the realness of the the soft carpeting below. As opposed to pinching myself, this seemed like the better idea. 

"Yes, yes, yes!" my mind screamed, a child at the sight of Chritmas presents inside my head. All it did was heighten the endorphines. I exhaled... I exhaled again... Tugging with enough force at the curtain, lo and behold, rays, all yellow, all transparent and all pleasurably blinding. I stood there, satisfied of being the first to allow the sunshine in, in a dramatic fashion.

I imagined how my eyes would look like? Would they look translucent and luminous, as good as it usually does when I catch a glimpse of my eyes in the car rear mirror during Monday mornings? I inhaled... I inhaled again...

"Snoring? Oh well, I think I hoped for the best. Disappointment! Bah!" more screams of a child rang again, now, one that was reversibly damaged by the father denying desserts after pizza. Then the mind drifted. The mind is like the monkey, someone said. So, mine swung from tree of thought to tree of thought. 

"The torso needs work, but still, man I have come a long way!" 

My mind then moved to another tree. 

"Coffee would be great right now... Let's get this window opened for some breeze." 

The swoosh of the air carried scents of mowed grass blades and polluted air. My eyes wandered towards the uncomfortably close proximity of my dorm.

"I wonder if that work they spoke about really did go on..."

I stood there, waiting for the unnecessary 'stop and smell the roses' pause.

Then.

Warmth spread. Tall and strong. Warmth on my back. Firm yet intermittent. Stronger warmth caressed my left cheek. Lighter warmth swirled around my waist. And one point felt right, just around the lower spine. The warmth from my cheek rested on my shoulders, while my lips voluntarily and simultaneously, stretched upwards at the sides. 

He had kissed my cheeks, held my waist, pulled me in close and then rested his chin on my shoulder and his head next to mine after our first night together...

My heart skipped a beat....

Gunghroos!!!

I taught myself how to string my own dancing bells.

There was, at my disposal, a pair of dancing bells that were not blessed.

These are belted, akin to the one below.

Courtesy of Now Public

I tore the padding that mounted them and removed the individual bells.

I then looked up some pictures online of how the bells on strings looked like. And formulated a method of what I hoped was the correct way of weaving the bells.

And voila, it was!!!

Here's one from my previous post of a pair of proper odissi gunghroos.

And here's the one I wove.

Amazing isn't it? The beauty of the ghunghroos! Especially on strings! Now I can invest in better quality bells and weave then myself!!!

The 'I'

Among the subtlest yet unshakable vices dwelling in human beings, none is more stubborn than egotism. The 'I' and 'ME' we so closely advocate as means of justifying our attitudes, behaviors, personalities and point of views. A very thin yet gross, almost impenetrable wall that stands between a soul and the ultimate Wisdom; denying possessing ego is egotism itself.

Let's all wind down and move to a more graspable deduction. As far as my brains have allowed my mental-arithmetic to work, ego is more or less the product of the thought that stems from the 'I'. A single alphabet-syllable word with seemingly infinite amounts of inferences. I think, I want, I wish...

To reduce the 'I' and include everything else in this age and time is overpowered by the notion of self-protection. Bordering frailly over the preservation of one's self is the act of giving in; an exercise that could have saved many lives, healed many souls, harmonised many tumults. Peace cannot live where the 'I' reigns. Raging selfishness tends to destroy the need for reasoning. And with that the urge to (avoidably) fight.

I got to thinking about egotism when I stumbled upon an invite to dine with Gj Kind Boy and a junior of his. Previously having noticed the latter's self-absorbed point of views, I donned my shield to protect myself from bigotry; utter indifference! Of course our aforementioned friend did not fail to deliver; everything GJ Kind Boy said had either a rebuttal or a reenactment of something better. Sometimes I couldn't help but to form an opposing opinion which I, fortunately, did not verbalise.

The 'I' reigns like a burning fire within us that we should learn to acknowledge and fight. Besides, what's the fun in being right all the time?

"Man's ego itself is maya. It is the veil that shuts the light."
-Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa.

2012 Tamil Festivals Thus Far...

Ponggal came first; the harvest festival; the thanksgiving.

Although, through my lenses, I see superabundance of calories above all else!!!

Dinner at grandma's place.
Look closely, notice a total of 11 side dishes, a snack and a dessert!!!
Courtesy of Aunt #4.

Ponggal; the day centers around expressing gratitude to God for the food (rice/harvested paddy) that He has given us by preparing sweet porridge cooked with palm sugar and fresh cow's milk and presenting it to Him in the alter... It really is more of a cultural tradition rather than a religious plus it is one that is (if correctly put) associated to the Tamils rather than Indians or Hindus (common misconception). Not all Hindus and/or Indians celebrate Ponggal.



Then came Thaipusam; the celebration for Lord Muruga; the homage and penance.

Again, it is focused to the Tamil community simply because it is the celebration (Pusam) for Lord Muruga (a Hindu deity) in the month of "Thai" according to the Tamil calendar (hence, 'Thai' + 'Pusam'). Not all Hindus and/or Indians observe Thaipusam.

Through my lenses however, it is the amalgamation of;
loud infectious Tamil folk music;
the amazing array of colour palettes on women's traditional oufits;
the adorable machas (and the over-dressed and ugly ones too);
the beautiful kavadis (and the ludicrously extravagant ones too);
and;
definitely not the least, the amazing vibrations of the holy day that is felt only on such special occasions!

The beautiful silver chariot!!!

I love being TAMIL!!!

And I Thought I'd Never....

And I thought I'd never get over this!

But I did...

Like a few things vividly etched into memory, the one incident I recalled yesterday was the DAY I LOST HOPE...

I thought nothing in my life in the future would ever equal that one day, how erroneous was I...

Yesterday, if you could believe it was worse than the DAY I LOST HOPE. So by calculations, yesterday, 26th January 2012, was, by far, the worst day of my entire 26 years of life...

It was the day, like every other instance in my life, I didn't stand for what I believed in (or rather what I should have believed in).

And like every other blow I get, I got up and renewed myself.

The issue was my masters got a huge disapproval and 2 years of my work was ridiculed by a panel of observers; F**King over-achieving b@st@rds!!!

Then I got to thinking. Those @ssholes would never know anything than the PhDs and professor positions they hold. They would never know anything beyond molecules, statistics, protocols, deadlines, projects, publications, impact factors, positions, salary bla bla bla. All pursuit of never-ending worldly matters. I already know all that and more then they'll ever find out!

They'll never know fashion (have you seen what professors wear and what they look like?).

They'll never know makeup (have you seen how female professors wear makeup??)

They'll never know dance (ask them to stand 1 minute in chawka!!!).

And most importantly, no matter how religious they are, they'll never know God like I do! This, above all else is the one thing I pity those souls their bodies harbour.

And so I realised, hey, I am not as incompetent as I think I am... I am just with the wrong project!

So, Monday morning, I am going to march into my lecturer's room and tell him, GIVE ME SOME GENERIC SHIT TO DO!!! (albeit the word 'shit' of course).

This would also mean two more years of starting from scratch!

But hey, how much trouble that could be compared to the past two years?

So here's to starting over yet again.

God, give me your best shot at breaking me again!

And I'll always love you GOD!!!

I am a MESS...

Ever reached a point where you thought you were wrapping things up but a turn of events make you realise you are where you started?

I am there now.

I have no way out.

I refuse to attempt suicide.

I cannot confront The High Priest and Priestess.

I cannot just drop everything and leave because the worst case scenario is too terrible to imagine.

Facing it on the other hand would mean at least 5 more years of suffering. Knowing I am doing something I don't want to do; something that is probably what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life.

I am back to square one.

Approaching 27, I am back to where I started, a big 0!!!

And two years of work now mean squat!

I don't even know what I am doing updating my blog...

I feel lifeless akin to a lump of meat not even fit for bacteria to initiate decaying on.

All because I couldn't stand up for myself.

新年快乐!!!

Another year dawns upon us!

新年快乐!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Selamat Menyambut Tahun Baru Cina!

சீன புத்தாண்டு நல்வாழ்த்துக்கள்!

Let us all ferociously fight to attain our dreams like the magnificent dragon! 

All the best for a new awakening this year!

Thanks www.layoutsparks.com 

2012 Checklist!

Heart-broken seemingly irrevocably, CHECK!
Heart-mended ever so brand new, CHECK!
Taste buds back on the tongue, CHECK!
Feelings back in the heart, CHECK!
Dancing, CHECK!
Sex, (albeit, once in a blue moon), CHECK!
Friends, CHECK!
Family, CHECK!
Losing weight, (whops, let's halt that!).
Paycheck, (let it come already!!! Sigh, this has to wait too).

2011, what a year! I shall fondly remember you!

Enter 2012.
First week in the presence of family;
Second week in the presence of Funny Architect.

All's well, all's good...

2012 checklist;

1. Finish masters.
2. Start PhD.
3. Loose weight along the way.
4. Get that f**king paycheck!
5. Dance, dance and dance!!!
6. F**king quit tobacco!!!

The list has shaped up nicely...

Happy New Year and Happy Ponggal!!!