Proven True Against My Will

I recall an entry I wrote in the beginning of the pandemic entitled Privelege vs Lucky. 

In it I wrote that I should have thought about throwing money at my problems as a solution; said problems arising from my family.

Today it was proven irrevocably true.

No, my parents aren't gold digging opportunists.

But they are the hopeless middle class couple, pitifully clueless as to why they're the way they are, still steadfast to archaic dogshit piled on by their parents. Indoctrinated into believing that their parents were moral fiber incarnate while absolutely hellbent on upholding it!

What follows is the lack of resources and financial security they desperately craved for hoping their kin would provide. 

Unfortunately they also wanted both their children to only be sons.

So, I conformed.

I forced myself to act like a boy and later a man.

I was refused fashion designing as a tertiary interest.

I went down the "dignified" science pathway and did the damn biotechnology degree.

I even did the damn food science and technology masters.

I gave up dance for a couple of months to finish writing my masters thesis only to gain weight, tear my meniscus, gain even more weight and not be able to dance since.

I stayed away from displaying my makeup passions for as long as I have because I didn't want to "bring shame to my parents".

I hid my clandestine venture into theater where I got to act as a woman on stage and do drag (which if I had documented and posted on socmed, would have probably gotten me enough views to monetise my channel).

Now I have done the damn PhD but I am completely broke, and utterly broken.

Today, an altercation lead to my mother loudly verbalising her victimhood with absolutely no clue as to what I've been through simply to "not bring them shame".

Which I'm realising I just should have since doing that would not only allowed me to live life the way I wanted to but also be able to provide for them. COMFORTABLY!

But that would have "brought them shame".

An idea brought on by their idiotic parents.

FUCKING IDIOTS!

UNLEARN GENERATIONAL TRAUMA AND INTERNALISED BIASES GODDAMNIT!!!

STOP PUSHING IT ONTO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!