WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!!

 I caught the currently most talked about virus in the world.

That's all...

2018

It has been three years since I last had sex.

And before that there was a two and a half year gap.

And before that there was a 3 year gap.

Disposing Some Past

From ages 16 to 19, I kept diaries. This was a time when I was hopelessly, and I mean HOPELESSLY infatuated with a boy, so some form of expression was necessary to teenage J. If not to document life events, at least some form of cathartic release for the soul. But I digress.

While looking for some old documents, I came across those diaries, dated 2002 to 2005. Which I still kept. I ran through them quickly one by one. And one by one, I tore each page, crushed them up, and threw them in the bin. 

Then, something caught my eye. 

In 2002, the Internet wasn't readily available in the palm of our hands. Also, I only knew of LGBT. Everything else just didn't exist on the Internet and even if it did, it never showed up on all the "research" I did. Coming to terms with being non-binary just a couple of years shy of the discovery of these pages I WROTE long before knowing the true nature of gender, was not only prophetic, it transcended any lofty divine coincidences I could have ever imagined. And this was well before any semblance of anything other than man, woman, transman and transwoman, became something assessable on the Internet. Nothing in my life has made this much sense! NOTHING!

Gender Dysphoria Indicator

I was always aware of this particular trait in myself but until recently, I thought it was mutually exclusive to my dysphoria. 

I always assumed that this was due to my inherent body dysmorphia.

Until I came out to myself recently I never thought to put two and two together. 

So.....

I have never been comfortable shirtless to the point that I've NEVER slept shirtless.

The amount of times I have been shirtless I can count on one hand and the amount of times I've slept shirtless I can count on the other (the times I can remember at least). 

I think cis men are far less afflicted with body issues than any other genders regardless of sexuality.

I think to myself that I'd be shirtless more often if I was thinner.

BUT there was a time when I was thin enough to be shirtless without shame and even then the article of clothing stayed on.

I always had a singlet (tank) on the very least. 

Working on 50%

Conversation with my mother when I was a child, no older than 12, after receiving a trophy for academic excellence...

The High Priestess: Why did you walk like a girl on the stage when you received your trophy.

J: Silence.

The High Priestess: Come on! Man up! Walk tough. Chest up! Walk like a man! Not a girl.

J: Silence.

This conversation was spoken in Tamil making it far worse than it seems.

Part of my mental energy is CONSTANTLY remembering to walk, act and talk "normally". You could say I am always working on 50%.

The time I can be 100% myself is in solitude or when I am with my best friends.

Bye Felicia!

Two characters mentioned on Just Me have been cut off from my life permanently.

I am pretty sure they wouldn't care enough to make amends. 

Hence the finality of permanently.

They were the closest people to me in my uni days over a decade ago.

We've constantly kept in touch.

They know of my sexuality.

And because they did, I was naïve to believe they weren't inflicted with heterosexism. If not to champion cause, at least to defend the portion of society I belong to.

A random comment on popular social media tore my heart and led to blood curdling, hand shaking, tear jerking anger.

A comment left by a friend of yours truly aka a character on Just Me.

It eventually led to a virtual confrontation wherein another chimed in to support the former's views.

I would have called the person but he didn't live in a situation where a call was expressly possible. Wait, let me rephrase that. He lived in a situation where a call is more likely to go unanswered than attended to.

And because I am too old to deal with blatant homophobia I cut them off of my life.

Changes have been made under "About J and Just Me", under the subsection "The Characters on Just Me (Lesser Mentioned)" linked below.

https://hansondaren.blogspot.com/p/the-characters-on-just-me.html

It is a lesson that people are expendable for a multitude of reasons and the ones that keep are the ones to treasure.

I Knew Very Young

 I kind of feel funny for even penning this down.

When I was perhaps 9 or 10, my brother and I stayed overnight at an aunt's place. 

For some reason, the next morning, I was down early and she was in the kitchen preparing breakfast.

I guess she doesn't wear a bra to bed and didn't bother putting one on before preparing breakfast. 

Adjusting her t-shirt she lifted it for a split second and at that very miniscule moment, looking at her in anticipation of some toast, I caught a glimpse of her areola. 

I saw a boob. 

At that age I was scarred. 

And so I guess I knew.

#gayasf

Hazing

Oh yea, I was hazed in my freshman year at university.

By all straight brown men in the privacy of a dorm room.

FOR OVER A MONTH!!! 

ALMOST EVERY NIGHT!!!

And because I am scared of everything, I suffered it because I was told that I'd be otherwise alienated by the brown community.

And just typing this out is sending my anxiety through the roof!

SOOOO.........

I just went on my most popular social media and unfriended all involved!

And it was so cathartic!!!

Let Me Re-Introduce Myself...

Most of my best friends know the existence of Just Me. 

However, I am aware not all read, follow or constantly keep themselves updated.

And guys, if you're reading this right now, no worries! Seriously! It's ok! 

I completely understand if you guys don't. Some of you are married, in a relationship, have crazy jobs and schedules and really going through some tough situations. I don't want to pretend to comprehend your situations and so it's ok!

For those of you who decided to stop by to see how it's been going here or you just always read my entries. First of all, thank you. And second of all, this is probably the single most important post I've published here. 

This post is just so you're eased into this revelation.

The last post I acknowledged a semblance of this was here...

https://hansondaren.blogspot.com/2017/06/im-no-man-i-aint-woman-either.html

So here it is...

I am non-binary.

This means I am not a cis-gendered male. Which also means I am transgender (which is an umbrella term for anyone that do not identify with their gender assigned at birth). 

Did you know what exactly I felt typing that out...Imagine (if you were ever in love) the sweetest thing your SO did for you and felt that warm fuzzy feeling. Yes, that, I felt that.

Every time I visited a temple for about 3 or 4 years now. and felt like I may not belong because I wasn't a regular person, I tell myself with fierce fervour, "நான் திருநங்கை டா!!!" ("Naan thirunangai da!" translation, "I'm trans woman da!"). I only use the term trans woman because there isn't an equivalent in Tamil for a non-binary trans individual. And although I am not in a saree, or an Indian outfit catered to femininity, no one can tell me otherwise. 

Now I just want to tell people I love and that I've previously come out to as gay. 

My preferred pronouns are "they", "their", "them". Being called/referred to as "he/him/his" is just unthinkable to me now. I am not saying you all need to get this right, right away, but an attempt to try and use my preferred pronouns is highly appreciated.

Just Me had to be the first to know.

Now MORE than ever I am happy I have Just Me.

I am still gay as in I am still attracted to men. I believe that using the term gay when you're non-binary and assigned male at birth is valid.

No, I am not transitioning because everyone's trans experience is unique. If it's not too much for you to comprehend, not all trans women need to medically transition to make them a "qualified" trans women. Every trans experience is unique to the individual. All that said, I am not a trans woman and I  also don't identify as a man. And even that does not make me any less transgender.

In safe spaces (which is basically nowhere in the country I live in) I'd totally wear makeup, heels and carry a purse. On a scale of Jonathan Van Ness to Conchita Wurst, I'd be right in the middle! And sometimes I might want to be Adam Lambert too! And I'd never wear skirts not least because I'm terrified of twirling and showing off more than I intend to. Chief of reasons, however, is not really liking it on me. And I say that from experience.

Maybe Not So Accurate....??

So about two years ago parents decided to consult an expert on Hindu astrology. Hindu astrology is based on the movement of the planets, the sun and the moon and how it affects individuals via date of birth, time of birth and name (Hindus, those who practice it anyway, name their children based on astrology). It was brought upon by me being in a rut and things not going my way. 

This dude we went to consult is, and I'd wager my bottom dollar, QUEER!!!!!!!!!!!!! His mannerisms and the way he side eyed me the only way a bottom could to another bottom (where I'm from at least) re-instilled trust in my gaydar. 

I digress.

So he goes on to look through my charts and says that I won't have anything too bad happen to me. Basically my life will be straight forward and would not face unforeseen tragedies.

And I was like. Ah..... I see.....

So...., mentally screwed up throughout my entire life because until recently I didn't admit to myself that I am non-binary.

Being called every possible name in both the national language and Tamil for derogatory gay and trans slurs. 

A straight guy using you for sexual and life favours which included money, food, and helping him with at least half his degree which is feeding him right now, just to name a few.

A couple of suicide close calls.

Self inflicted wounds.

A closeted life.

Alcohol abuse.

Depression and anxiety that sent me to the ER.

Sexually teased and molested by a cousin at 15 (who's engaged to woman now).

None of that apparently counts in Hindu astrology.

And now, I call Hindu astrology BULLSHIT!