Sigh....

So many good looking Indian guys around me...

Sigh...

I want one...

For myself...

Just to look, touch, hold and hug.

No need to profess anything!

Sigh...

Happy 2016! Dear God!!!

I'm so glad 2016 is here!!!

So time to pull out the 2015 checklist.

1. LOOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHECK!

2. PhD; don't procrastinate; aim for 2016 graduation! Resolve in 2016 checklist.

3. Get back to odissi. I thought 2015 was going to be the year. Well, I was wrong. 2015 was my drag year I guess. Now back to dance we go!
4. Find out and attend a makeup course! Even a certificate will do for the year. I did something better, much MUCH better. So, I am going to check this. CHECK!
5. Do drag. Yes! Eyelashes, high heels, bra wigs and all!!! CHECK!

Not bad, 3 out of 5 checked!

So moving on, here's the 2016 checklist

1. PhD; aim for 2018 graduation (this is to get the most out of a scholarship).

2. Get back to odissi. This is the year I am putting as much effort into it as I possibly can!

3. Loose more weight!

4. Travel out of the country again.

5. Get back to fashion. Try something small first. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2016 sounds VERY promising!

I Am SO Ready For 2016!!!!

I am so fucking ready for 2015 to be over.

Of course, looking back, there were absolutely amazing things going on as well...

My doing drag (I did it twice actually because the play had a sequel).

My masters graduation!

But then again, lots of deaths.

Grandma's death was the first real close person in my life to pass over in as long as I've lived.

Morbid and very physically and emotionally draining.

Bitter sweet of extreme proportions and I don't like that.

It will definitely be memorable; 2015 is one to remember.

But...

GOOD-FUCKING-BYE 2015!!!

Dear Just Me + Rant

YES! Another Dear Just Me!!!

2015 is the year I have seen more cadavers, attended more funerals and gone to more cemeteries and crematoriums than I ever have in my entire life!!!

This time around it was a grandaunt.

My grandfather's sister.

She's someone the paternal extended family has been close for the longest of time.

After my parents moved out of my grandmother's house I didn't see much of her but she was still close to the family.

God bless your soul granny.

The rant on the other hand is related to a scenario that transpired during her funeral.

I discovered, at the funeral, that a second cousin of mine is a transwoman and just started transitioning; she was there too.

Now, my family members are very VERY pro machismo.

Men NEED to act, behave and dress like men, play and watch sports, and be interested in cars.

"Men" (and I use that term loosely) like that are looked up at.
They are revered, hero-worshiped almost.

So while standing around with my first cousins I started hearing the taunts and laughs; all directed at the poor girl.

Announcing how she is tied to the family, i.e., "It's so and so's son." all that came after that was laughter.

They just laughed and laughed at her; she was obviously not in close proximity to listen to all of this rubbish. 

To call them juvenile and idiotic is and insult to the very notion of being juvenile and idea of idiocy. 

These people have university degrees for God's sake!

I tried to not listen to what they were saying.

I didn't speak up either because knowing what I know, these people will never change.

I have been at the receiving end of such harsh words, many, many, MANY times when I was young and was nothing but myself.

"Why don't you go outside and play with the boys."

"Why is this boy always in the kitchen like a girl."

"Come on, act like a boy! Don't be such a sissy."

"Not interested in football? Don't like sports? What kind of a boy are you?"

"What are you doing??? Can't you just walk like a guy???!"

Just FYI, these weren't insults by strangers. These were all insults by relatives and some by the family.

It is a fairly strong anger/depression trigger for me.

I don't think any of us transgender (me being gender-queer) people ever get over the trauma of being teased like that but often we grow up and out of it. 

As time went by I have been able to mask my demeanor and fit in, making my life a little more tolerable, however, that does not make situations like this one any easier.

To try and reason with them is a battle I am not ready to fight, for the sole reason of not wanting to hurt my parents if ever the issue was to get out of hand.

Oh well, karma will be the ultimate bitch here!

I'll just have to sit back and watch how their lives unravel!

The Toughest

A bit sad jiwang-ish post.

A friend of mine posted that she finally deleted her ex's number from her phone (wink wink, you know who you are).

And I replied,

"Give yourself a pat on the back. Now erase it from your head. That's the toughest."

I still remember Mr. P's phone number, car number and birth date even if I don't want to.

Goals To Achieve by 40

Watching Kathleen Lights' (popular beauty YouTuber) shoe collection video kinda shoved me into a shoe collection watching frenzy and one name keeps shouting at me. Louboutin. And then this idea formed in my head. Goals to achieve by my next age milestone. FYI, I am 30. SO next age milestone, 40.

So here goes.

Things to achieve before 40 (in no priority order).

1. Own a pair (at least!) of Christian Louboutin.

2. See the Eiffel Tower (visit France, that goes without saying).

3. Own a house (whether I live in it or not is another question).

4. Odissi graduation (if my knee condition allows it).

5. Visit Orissa and watch odissi performances (many many odissi performances).

6. See Christ the Redeemer in Rio!

7. Have dinner at a Michelin star restaurant.

I'll keep updating this list as I go.

And, we'll check back in a decade shall we... 

Till then I'll find a way to attach this page to my sidebar as a constant reminder.

My Recent Quest

I finally got down to some action with the weight loss.

When I posted on June 23rd about the passing of a relative I was down with diarrhea. It went on for a few days and I lost a whole kg from not being able to sustain food. Something clicked in me because I had taken a break from eating rice. People are commonly prescribed to eat porridge when having diarrhea. Porridge is on a list (albeit a short one) of food I simply cannot ingest for the sole fact that it tastes horrible to me. So I resorted to bread.

And that somehow lit a lightbulb.

I cut rice out of my diet.

No no! I didn't cut out carbohydrate. I cut out rice.

Huge difference.

Not on an Atkins diet here.

I compensate by consuming large amounts of vegetables and I am also slowly avoiding anything fried.

I have perhaps 4 slices of bread per day but avoid white bread.

I also still enjoy a cup of tea in the evening lightly sugared.

I also enjoy alcohol every now and then, sparingly.

I also do not completely turn myself of cakes and pastries but again, the word for me is sparingly.

The result?

Since June 23, I have lost 10kgs!

WHA---??!!!!!!!!!!

Oh wait, did I also tell you I have started jogging and can now (from when I started at barely 500m), jog a whole 2 kms without stopping? I am slow but surely getting there!

Soon I'll take on the world! Metaphorically speaking of course... >.<

Hahahaha!!!

Short Story

If you're a straight acting Indian gay man in Malaysia, you get married.

You fuck your wife thinking of a dude.

You sleep with men and suck dick behind your wife's back.

-The end.

Obviously not going to happen to me.

If it does I got people to kill me.

Dear Just Me

I am FREAKING SICK of Dear Just Mes!!!

The late Madam K's younger brother has passed on.

He was a bachelor, a drunkard and had trouble staying in one place.

The niece that was nice enough to take care of him had told us about his shenanigans when we visited  a couple of months ago (they live in a different state). 

"He was actually ok, until he started getting drunk and wandering off. He would get his monthly money from welfare and would end up spending the money on cheap alcohol and start wandering around aimlessly. We have found him several times, all dirty and smelly, and we'd clean him up, feed him, and take care of him but as soon as he gets his money he would go back to his old habits and go missing again."

He apparently met with an accident having wandered off and was taken to the hospital where he was recognised by a friend of my aunt's (dad's cousin) husband.

He passed away in the hospital just in time for my aunt to get there to proceed with funeral arrangements.

I only remember him from my childhood. He was a very nice person who had a good ability to tie flower garlands; the ones used for weddings and for deity statues. Since he didn't children of his own he adored all his grandchildren, grand-nieces and -nephews.

Sad ending for someone who could have had a good life.

Nevertheless, I pray for his soul, for he too was your child God. Take this soul into your arms and give him resolution. 

Hari Om Tat Sath.

Aum Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi...

Movies

I am on this quest to educate myself as much as I can on everything that is iconic and pop-culture related to being transgender, gay, drag queen and everything else adjacent. In line with that pursuit I back tracked iconic movies related to the subject and since about 5 years ago have been on the quest to watch them all.

I was inevitably linked from one article to another and so on and so forth until I finally stumbled upon Rupaul Andre Charles; the glamour queen whose music video in the 90s made waves. I was inspired and I watched several interviews he did and he of course referenced some of his favorite iconic movies. One of them was the documentary Paris is Burning.

I finally watched it just a few days ago and boy was it an experience.

First of all, fashion in the 80's, one word, CRAZY!

And the gay community in New York in the 80s, wow, a spectacle!

This is one of those movies people should watch just to get the feel of how the most 'out' gay community was, in the 80s when LGBT people were still being teased, taunted, assaulted and even killed. It was a journey of sorts.

In that quest I have also watched other movies; some of which I can't recall at this instance but what I remember I have listed down below;

To Wong Foo, Love Julie Newmar
-This movie was a little bit of a stretch but it was entertaining; seeing Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze being fabulous was reason enough to watch!

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
-The famed Matrix antagonist is a drag queen in this movie! Definitely iconic status!

The Birdcage
-Nathan Lane's work was definitely praise-worthy!

Pink Flamingos
-Sit through this and not flinch and I'll salute you!

Fire
-Shabana Azmi and Nandita Das, one huge step for Indian LGBT community!

I Love You Phillip Morris
-Jim Carrey; enough said.