Lets See Come 9th November 2011

"If you love somebody let them go. If they come back, shoot them. If they do not, load your gun, find them and shoot them"

One of my retweets. Maybe I should do the same with Mr. P because even after so much of running away he manages to come around to haunt me. 

*sms beeps*

Miss u a lot. God bles u. Tc.

The adrenaline rush into my blood was so prevalent that I could literally hear my heart beat. 

Just when I decided to retire early to bed. The one night when I finally decided on a light early morning jog. 

Looked at the message three times and then...

*option*

*delete*

*paused for a few seconds*

*click*

All done. But alas, snoozing seemed impossible; those annoying words kept on forming in my head over an over again!!! Every time the body relaxes and the mind finally starts drifting away, the words keep popping up. A revelation it would be, to install a pop-up blocker into human brains.

Metro Me gave me the "Metro Me Recipe to Get Over Someone":

#1 Do not keep any contact for 12 months.

#2 Do not speak about him for 12 months.

#3 Do not FB status him for 12 months.

#4 Keep his thoughts to yourself for 12 months.

#5 If people ask say you're over him and do not want to hear about him; for 12 months.

#6 To close friends you may personally express your feelings.

Sounds like a plan. Lets see, 9th November 2010... Let's see what happens come 9th November 2011.

I am in LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just discovered a Telugu movie actor that is smoking hot... I mean, absolutely drool-worthy!!!!!!!!! (sorry if anyone begs to differ) But yes, I AM IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oooooooooohhhhhh........... *Puts hands on the head*

*melts*

GRRRRRRRRR.........*faints*

Diwali 2010; Night

Until 5pm on Diwali I was devoid of my identity in black and white. Mom found it amidst her belongings in her room. More than the fact that I was barred from enjoying the festivities, I was restless because of the myriad of complaints, formalities and hassles it presents. The notion 'when you stop looking what you find eventually comes to you' has always been true in my life. Leave the wallet aside, almost everything else, love, friendships, acquaintances, name it... I find them only when I don't look for it....

Just as I was about to relax and enjoy what was remaining of the day, I got a call from a junior from my former university. Alcohol Pre-Presentation rang me up because he was back in Peaceful Suburb for Diwali. He was also part of the Indian gang I spent my undergraduate days with. So Alcohol Pre-Presentation tells me that he wants to meet up and I agreed. Tagging along was supposed to be Mr. Fuck A-Lot (Mr Fuck A Lot and Alcohol Pre-Presentation were acquainted even before they were undergraduates). Unsuspectingly, I drove out from my granny's place to the snooker center we were supposed to gather. As I was approaching the vicinity I spot Alcohol Pre-Presentation standing beside the road looking out for a familiar maroon coloured Wira to park. Lo and behold, my worst nightmares manifested into that one scene. Mr P's maroon Wira. That sneaky asshole!!! Alcohol Pre-Presentation and Mr. Fuck A Lot apparently and very conveniently left out the fact that Mr. P was driving them to meet me!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It didn't take more than a second for me to drive straight on... I gave all three a rain-check via text message and drove around... Calls after calls started pouring in... And three replies... I ended further communication with a reply to each one of them and ignored their calls... It took every ounce of will-power in me to avoid the very place they were stationed at but I did drop by to see his car and give a kiss goodbye to it...

Diwali 2010, will stick around in my memory for a very long time...

Diwali 2010

Diwali opened with a bang!!!

I misplaced my wallet...

I hope it comes running back to me...

I'll give it a another 24 hours and then its to the men in hideous blue...

HAPPY DIWALI HDARAN!!!

Through adversity comes various learning experiences...

I should be glad this is yet another one of those moments....

Untimely but a lesson learnt nevertheless...

The Luxuries Of Being In Love: I Am Clueless

There isn't really an account of what Mr. P and I had behind closed doors. It started out as a mere senior-junior attachment. I don't know why but vividly etched into my mind are the first words we uttered to each other.

Hdaran: Kaale enna achi??? (What happened to your leg??? - he was suffering some sport injury)
Mr. P: Panthe velade mothe adi patterichi... (i hurt myself during a football match)
Hdaran: Aperum KS??? (How bout KS then??? -  KS is a football competition that Indians in the university I am formerly from, take very seriously)
Mr. P: Buta dot com tha. (Its blind dot com - A very Malaysian Indian way of saying 'its going to be a waste')
*walks into his room*

Mr. P NEVER appeared to be the good looking one of his batch-mates to me initially. I always found other guys in his group of boys attractive. He was not my 'type';

Too small sized (the body; yes, only the body frame).
Lacking facial hair (I loooooooove goatees and French beards on men).
Facial features too sharp.
Bad command of the English language. Wait, wait, no command over the English language.
Fashion blind (although I must say, my preferences in style may have brushed off him in recent times).

I never made approaches to get closer to him whatsoever. I've made up, in my subconscious, an unlisted, unspoken, untold rule about keeping my socio-romantic endeavours with outsiders only. I wouldn't mind if he was a graduate from the same university as long as the student-university bond was past tense; broken so to speak.

He, however, did. And that's how we became closer.

I sometimes look back at my love affairs and wonder. So far, I have never had passionate, warm, lovey-dovey moments with someone I truly loved.

Mr I Think I Am Too Good to Be True: I had one, just ONE friendly hug from him. The closest I've ever  physically got to him.

Godbro: We've laid on bed side by side on bed but nothing more....

Mr. P: The sexual encounters aside, it was only once he lied on me, both of us naked, his head cradled by my neck in each others' arms. (I was in heaven; that particular moment was like...............)

About our sexual encounters (Mr.P and myself);

It was mostly oral; I performed he received. Twice it came to almost anal, I turned him down the first time and the second time we were too drunk. He has never kissed me. He has never hugged me, cuddled me, slept side by side in bed with me (although once when I did accidentally fall asleep next to him, he kept putting his leg on me several times before I realised he was spotting an erection that led to another blowjob session). NEVER told me he loved me (once he said it on YM, ON YAHOO MESSENGER!!! I doubt that counts). I have never had a long proper conversation with him, just the two of us that was romantic. Most of the time, when its time for bed, those conversations were actually multi-tasked; massages for him. Romance-like conversations mostly led to his ejaculation unless of course we are interrupted (yes, that has happened, not in the act though). There were times, during exams, I used to help him with his studying and memorizing WHILE giving him a massage. And even if we did have long proper conversations with him, it was always ABOUT him. Yes, we did have countless proper conversations.

No, I thought to myself, I have never been truly, deservingly in love. No jolts after jolts of pure joy in my heart because I was cuddled up with the person I love, or an eye-to-eye moment where that person I love, says it, fully fueled with hormones; I love you. Never have I kissed the person I love with reciprocation nor have I had him lay on my shoulders just because he liked the comfort it provides. Never have I had arms around me from the back from the person I love with his warm breath down my naked shoulders nor have I had a peck from him in the morning when he wakes up to see me lying down beside him; his most precious belonging.

I know how it is like being truly in love but the luxury that it presents is an unexplored world of Tinsel Town to me; a toddler, pertinently. It is daunting that I am yet to properly say to a person fully comprehending its meaning and impact; "I Love You" or "Get Out of My Life" primarily because I am yet to be in a relationship and yet to stray out of one. Grey shades; doesn't get more grey than this to me.

Try as I've might, I just can't seem to feel the same way I used to feel. Like I am out there again, looking for love, like 'it' can ever happen again.

I still see him in everything...

My brother and his gf, my parents, alcohol, cigarettes, speaking Tamil, speaking English (because he was so bad at it), the word 'Love', the word 'Hate', every motorcycle, every maroon Wira, every vehicle registration plate that resembles his phone number or his motorcycle or car number, the Indian bazaars, dancing, makeup, my Facebook page, my hostel, my hostel room, any nasi kandar eatery, any Indian food outlet, KFC, dance clubs, baseball caps, football, some of my clothes, watching TV, computer games (whenever I spot people playing them), and on and on....

I seem to always, constantly and unknowingly, relate everything to him... Even God because his name also means God.

They say time heals everything... However, I am very vague about the dosage and its credibility...

PS: It is said when you involuntarily cough (because some fluid in you throat has gone in the wrong direction) someone is thinking of you very deeply. Superstition I know. Funny, every time that happens to me I think of one person whom might be thinking of me. Even as I typed the last sentence of this entry before post-script, it happened and one guess which face flashed upon my mind.

Once Upon a Starry Night Sky

My blog never started as something to write to show off to the world. Hence the being anonymous (except to some people); evidence to my previous statement. But I must admit, after looking at my statistics I became a little, if not entirely, conscious about how I write and what I chose to write. The advantage of being anonymous presented me with options that Cookies and Cakes helped me see, over and over again, tirelessly.

#1 You write for yourself and yourself only.

#2 Anonymity means even if people want to judge you, you do not have to worry... Your perception about yourself is above all others (something that always came in handy, in my day-to-day life, when restlessness of passed judgments come along).

#3 Write from your heart. A personal blog is like an online diary. Treat it like so. Pour your heart out, otherwise honesty is deprived. Besides, mistakes are what makes you, you and hey, forget impressing people, be satisfied with what YOU make of it first.

So, even though I check out my stats, day after day, its nothing more than for a bit of fun... I even realised that my blog description was missing the "R" from the word "YOURSELF" but I told myself, let it be, until there comes a time when the picture needs replacing at least.

I was walking to 7-E like I always loved to and two things intrigued me;

#1 A man was wearing a helmet whilst driving his car...

#2 I looked up and saw the sky full of stars... The starry night sky reminded me of one incident.

          Once, upon a campus varsity, a residential college was having a fire drill. Three male students were out whiling their time away, walking around in a nearby lake garden out of the campus vicinity. Empty chats and aimless walking were their means of a therapeutic night. One of the three would have begged to differ but he was just happy the man he loved was there right beside him. Not realising a fire drill was ongoing they made their way back to campus only for a call from a fellow varsity-mate informing them of the situation. So these three friends drove to the hilly area of the campus and decided to just settle down there until it was worth returning (fire drills in the hostels were always excruciatingly boring and not to mention a complete waste of time; if there's a fire most of the students already know where to run!!!). Along the road where they rested their bottoms on, two of them were getting tired of just sitting around. One of the two decided to seek solace on the laps of the third friend. The latter, would be more familiarly known as Mr. P and the third friend was Hdaran. Soon enough, the remaining  individual (let's call him Life-Sized Comfort), rested his head too on Hdaran's lap. Hdaran was happy, it was one of the best moments of his life. Life-Sized Comfort was like Hdaran's own life-sized teddy bear. Sleeps with him in the same bed, adores Hdaran, has petty but very exhilarating arguments with Hdaran and tells Hdaran everything. Hdaran in turn was so attached to Life-Sized Comfort that his company was so immensely enjoyed (Hdaran always thought that if Mr. P had not made entry into his life, Life-Sized Comfort would have been the next best thing; better of the bad at least). At this moment, Hdaran looked up and saw a glorious starry night sky.....

Dancing...Again...

I am going to be dancing on stage again...

After almost two years of halt I am going to finally hit the limelight again...

Funny, I thought I would be excited but as days draw closer, I am getting nervous...

I guess because its been so long, I may have forgotten how to enjoy all that attention...

But nevertheless one shall do his best..

And enjoy prepping up with stage makeup, a colourful costume and a larger-than-life smile...

It has been truly a long wait and I am all the more thankful that I can finally step up to do the thing I enjoy doing most...

Granny Mayhem

Took the maternal grandmother out today for what was supposed to have been done a few days ago. She wanted to re-visit the temple my dad arranged prayers for just over a week ago. Definitely nothing strange about that. But her reasoning is probably why this post has taken form.

During the aforementioned prayers, both the grandmothers were present. And apparently Mdm K (paternal) told Mdm R (maternal) that there was a shrine for the "Datuk", the Chinese demi-God, quaint mini-shrines of which, bejewel every possible corner around small streets on mainland Penang. And a similar shrine stood right outside this particular Hindu temple. Before I move on, Mdm R is a very insecure person whose emotions get stirred at the slightest of unforeseen troubles. Troubles can mean as simple as my mom catching a cold (which happened a few hours ago). According to Mdm R, she has been having sleepless nights because she failed to acknowledge the "Datuk" and because she was perturbed of something she saw while she was washing her feet.

*eyebrows raised*

This wasn't the first episode; with me, this was the third (and God knows how many more such episodes with others, her son and my elder cousin brother, for instance). I can only imagine their agitation. Mdm R can be quite a handful when she's in this mode of hers. 

Episode #1

Mdm R and her 2nd daugther (naturally, my aunt) wanted to attend a wedding reception held in Peaceful Suburb. My aunt didn't know the route and so employed my knowledge of the location to fulfill her doings. Mdm R came, or rather tagged along (she is also known to be fiercely loyal to the extended, extended family; the second ring of relatives after the immediate uncles, aunts, cousins etc. where keeping in touch was concerned). A few days after that occasion she called me up (I am gathering every inch of self-restrain to avoid cursing her daughter-another aunt of mine- whom bought her her first cell phone) and says that she had an appointment with the dentist. I, unsuspectingly drove her out assuming that a boring day was in store. But, alas, she told me, only when we were safely away from the Taman we live in, that she came out under false pretenses. And that is how I got to know the dark side of Mdm R. I drove her, not knowing how to turn her down and completely clueless as to why the journey to Peaceful Suburb was even necessary. As we drew closer to the border of the two states, she reveals that it was her intention to see the hall where the wedding reception was held. Get this; the woman gets out of the car, walks to the entrance, caresses the door and the doorknobs of the hall entrance, rubs her feet (with her sandals on of course) on the carpeting leading away from the entrance looks around, caresses the door and doorknobs several times more and then declares that she is ready to leave. Wait, there's more, at least 500 metres off the premises, she begs me to drive her back only to do the exact thing again!!! 

Episode #2

During the Fire-walking Ceremony of the famed temple of the district, a chariot procession takes place as the end of the day draws near. Mdm R was present at the customary, waiting-for-the-chariot, which arrives at several pit-stops where devotees hold offerings in the form of fruits (bananas and a coconut are a must). The chariot hoists the stone image of Mariamman, a Goddess that is revered by the Hindus that live in the district. Post ceremony, Mdm R gives me a call. This time a branch from a tree where we stood waiting, apparently, brushed off her head, it seems. Mdm R goes on about how she is having another bout of sleepless nights and has a dying urge to see, touch, and yes, why not, caress the tree, its leaves and its branches. So yes, I oblige. And heck yeah, she makes me drive back to the spot not once but twice to do the same thing and this time around forces me to do the same. Good Lord, I just told God, if its one thing You do its not to have anyone that can recognise me drive through that street. It didn't help that it was a busy street and parking was only available across the street from the crime scene. Guiding and old lady across the street isn't as easy at it looks. 

Episode #3

And this one comes with a date, October 21st, 2010. Yes, only yesterday. The story continues from the 2nd paragraph. Upon reaching the temple, she walks straight to the cubicle-like space where two PVC pipes are installed to enable devotees to wash their feet prior to entering the temple; a customary practice of cleansing 

the body of negative energies. Mdm R washes her hands repeatedly as she caressed both the pipes like she was actually worshiping it, touching the pipes and subsequently touching her head!!! The weird actions I can take but her words took the disconcerting feelings in me to a whole new level;

*in Tamil*

Mdm R: You see, this is what is called "gila" (mad in Bahasa Malaysia)!!! Aiyooooo, I am "gila" already!!!! (repeats this several times)

Luckily this time round, the second round of the weird happenings took place before we drove away from the temple premises. Just as we were walking towards the car she pauses;

*in Tamil*

Mdm R: Waitlah aiya (affectionate way of calling a guy *sweats*), I wanna wash my hands one more time. *scurries off to the pipes*

I have never resented doing these favours for her. If for any reason, it is probably because I kind of understand her worries. She's ageing, almost at death's grasp. Surely, if one is longing for something, he/she would like to see/touch/feel/experience it for one last time before his/her demise. I guess that's all she wants to do. Probably a fear has crept in her that she may never wake up the next day. Do any of us ever know, that we WOULD wake up the next day??? Any day could be our last...

They Lived With God

Started reading yet another book about spirituality and Holy-men...

Image source:
http://www.vedantastl.org/Catalog/book/They_Lived_With_God.htm

Again, the book was presented to me by mom, like Autobiography of A Yogi. I still share the same sentiments, never was a fan of autobiographies and never liked the choice of books my mom chose to read. And yet, all the more, my mom dumbfounded me... This was another captivating read about the lives of the devotees of Sri Ramakrishna. I still remember at least a decade ago, when I was given a colourfully illustrated book about the same evangelist, I was dumbstruck by the work of God. The book, among many others, alongside many childhood experiences planted the love of God into my heart. Over the years things changed, and I as reached adulthood, I was thrown into a sea of doubt and turbulence, maya, the dualistic nature of Earthly desires and devils.

The autobiography was almost God-given; He realised, I'm guessing, that He wanted me back, and so tuned me to receive this parcel of bliss-digger. It also came at a time I was so desperate for answers. I was stunned and started to realise that my love of God - that I used to hold so dear when I was a child - had almost vapourised. Reading the autobiography was like rekindling my love for The Creator and in succession was this next gift of stories about people who lived by the Ultimatum. I shall never turn back, except to fulfill my worldly duties to my parents and the people around me. And try, I shall, to culminate spirituality into the minds of my most beloved and strangers alike.

If a person wants God, God takes everything away from him. And if that person continues to love Him. God becomes his slave.

-They Lived With God

Presenting, The Dirty Laundry of Hdaran's Extended Paternal Family

An aunt who has been disowned by the extended family recently got in touch with me through Facebook. I was told of the existence of 'another' Attai (aunt in Tamil) when I was 15. Apparently she had run away and got married to the love of her life. I am sure there is more to this tale but one shall not delve further until the time comes for someone to step up and reveal the truths. Dad's younger sister she was and the love of her life was of a different religion.

*shakes head*

These are the times that I would've loved to be straight just to see how they would react if at all my future wife is Christian. Well, at least the reaction of my paternal extended family that is (my mom's eldest sister got married to a Christian and she wasn't put through atrocity like the former was). Apologised, she has, and it seems, to no avail.  I trust, judging from the lights of my extended paternal family, that her decision in pursuit of love could've very well been the best decision of her life!!! Being in this family would've done nothing but box her mind into this tight space where everything she's subject to are mere preconceived, premature notions about the world, with no way out; confined to stereotyping and loud unnecessary wailing, confrontations and a myriad of disposable, totally uncalled for drama!!! I see it in all my father's siblings.

Aunt #1: The eldest but yet, with all the reading she has been doing and all the so-called wisdom-talking she does, she was/is/will be, to me, one of the most judgmental people I've ever come across. Her family is a wretched one. Eldest daughter was married off to a person of the sub-species of the homo sapiens; a lower sub-species that is. The ones who live for being nothing but solely a burden to mother Earth; homo attero (waste for Latin). Being a tad bit judgmental myself, I suppose. Then again, would you respect anyone whom in all the times you've met is steadfast to alcohol, or a cigarette or sometimes both??? AND is known to NOT have a secure job??? Her second child, a son, got attached to a woman whom two timed him. And her youngest, well, she has been the proper one so far but she alongside with her elder sister is obese, and if I might say so morbidly. Besides the disproportion, she is so full of herself (again being a tad bit judgmental, but I am also a self-confessed fashion critic and this woman fills her wardrobe with all the things a plus-sized women should never).

Uncle: Dad's only brother and the 3rd child of the family. Married to a woman whom has been rumoured to be unbelievably lazy. I only address the woman out of respect and keep my conversations with her short, concise and time-worthy. My uncle, like the 1st aunt, has 3 children. A dropout from Police Camp who has been wasting his life spending time wooing women (plural; i daresay), binging and sleeping at home. Another classic case of the low life sub-species. The second son, has been job hopping all this while, earning meager dough that I am sure does not suffice for him to feed himself, what more give the family. The youngest, is no better, and like my former cousin sisters, she is breaching onto an array of fat-related interminable diseases. My poor uncle, the sole breadwinner of the family, is still working to make ends meet with the entire household still living off him. Over 50, he needs a break, which in my opinion is vast distances apart from materialising.

Aunt #2: Converted to Christianity a few years ago. No judgments against this. Its a free country for God's sake. But I've seen with my very eyes the very staunch believer in Hindu 'witch-doctors' and priests with supernatural solutions to her problems, pinning garlands of lime to please the Gods (demi-Gods, that is). A very distorted ideology of she had, of Hinduism and I would never blame her except in the circumstances that she was raised in (its a miracle my dad isn't anything like such although he has his fair share of being judgmental, primarily to people like me; LGBTs). Her son is missing in action from the household and she has been somewhat sidelined by her mother because of her recent endeavour. A judgmental person herself, this aunt of mine used to throw sharp words at things I never understood to be wrong-doing when I was a child. For instance, helping out in the kitchen. Her husband used to do the same, teasing me because I was not a boy, rather a coward timid sissy. They seem to have had their testing times which I've come to know to be rather dire. What karma does; beware!!!

Aunt #3: The aunt living away from the rest, in Land of The Machas. She is a stalwart believer in the supernatural which always annoys me because of her lack in background reading of spirituality. Always coming up with false conclusions of religion and religious practices, she has a way of making people believe her through conviction in speech and wondrous facial portrayals. Three daughters she has and although they seemed to take on their mother, the elder one has mellowed down to actually seeking advice. The second one  is good at heart but has been misguided by conformations the family is subject to; standards they've set themselves to be the ultimatum (wishful thinking of helping this bright young lady to broaden her horizons has been but only thoughts). The youngest, like all youngest child of a family, is pampered. A lot of growing up to do but curiously at 14 years of age is rather intelligent and well-read just like her elder sisters. The sad part to this tale however is my uncle. Psychotic I must say, to be able to fire a gunshot at his wife. Luckily it was dodged by my aunt. This is but one simple example of how much terror he can cause. Life seems to be going rather undisturbed for them currently, absent of those unexpected bouts of 'epileptic fit' my uncle throws. Though my aunt has a long way to go for a blissful life, I still hope the light at the end of the tunnel may shine through, that her norms in believing and worshiping astrology, may be just the thing she needs to get rid of.

Aunt #4: The youngest. Like the rest of my dad's siblings has three children. The eldest met with a horrifying accident from which he escaped death two years ago. The second child is an alcoholic at 19 years of age. Both of the boys smoke incessantly. The third one- with the exception of Aunt #3's three girls- is like the rest of my cousin sisters in the family, morbidly obese. Enough said about the offspring, my aunt is a person on a spiritual path like my mom and myself but is still contained in a box whereby passing judgments is yet to be rid off. A scenario at a tailor's shop (which both she and my mom frequents) may tell you why.

In Tamil,

Tailor: Will you get married? (Questioned me; he obviously saw through my sexuality)
Aunt #4: Of course. He's got three aunts, how can he NOT be married???
Tailor: *smiles* Don't get married and then later regret your decision. Sometimes people rush into things and then cry over it later. (I knew exactly what he meant)
Aunt #4: Don't worry, Hdaran will definitely get married to a wonderful gal. *tones of cuteness* (you would be if you are over forty but at just 4ft 10inchs tall, nice and round)
Hdaran: I know how I am going to lead my life and how my future is to be and I shall not let anyone dictate it. (being the person I am, I wanted to get the message across that marriage is not in my books without disclosing my sexuality)

Anyone who knows me, would definitely be able to see the fact that I will never be able to find solace in heterosexual matrimony. My entire extended family believes otherwise and God knows they're all in denial and sitting comfortably with a false notion that I would indeed adjust my beliefs for their respect. Reality check to knock in, in less then 5 years!!!

So there it is, the dysfunctional extended family. Everyone sitting comfortably in their own cubicles engineered to believe that life is all that is in their heads. Pretending that gay people do not exist in their midst, convinced that God is what their distorted minds have come to conclude, believing that life is to be followed according societal rules that govern it, sadly and utterly unaware of the whirlwind of possibilities that my mind, constantly and effortlessly, collects into plans and pursuits I have set for in my life.

God, help me HELP them...