of the past and the present

I had a task earlier today but being my lazy, procrastinating self, I only managed to get out around 3pm to do it… A friend, Funny Architect, had left his motorcycle in my possession to safeguard until he’s back from his original abode, Land of The Machas. He also left a very colourful note complete with diagrams and directions to safe keep his belongings (which included his PC, and a lot of gadgets that came along with it). Walking into my campus room 2 days ago after being home for the weekends, I was greeted by this note and spent de next 5 minutes trying to decipher it, laughing hysterically as I went through the piece of paper…

Mr. Funny Architect’s note had one red alert, according to him, his bike had but 5% fuel left *bursts out in laughter after taking a glance at the note again* So I had to ride the bike out to go get fuel. It reminded me of the times when I used to ride out Mr. P’s bike to go get fuel, without being asked or sometimes being told to do so. It was like turning around and facing a part of the Devil of my Past. To draw an analog would be like a lion tamer revisiting that very lion which gnawed off half his limb (whichever it is you chose to imagine), only now he has fully recovered and that particular lion is behind a steel cage. Seeing it would send shivers down his spine but he’s ok now, free of the trauma and ready to bounce back on the rest of the lions with his remaining functioning limbs.

And with that note, the entire day went from exciting (because I was anticipating a movie get together later in the evening) to sober… Full of reflection on the past and yet somehow, not the least affected by it.

My phone ran out of credit, and so I needed to stop by 7-11 to reload. Then again, Mr. Funny Architect’s bike was a little wobbly and I didn’t want to risk getting having to make another U-turn. Besides, I would love to walk down from my room to 7-11 (a mere 10 minute walk) with my earphones plugged in to some of my favourite tunes on my cell phone.

*un peyarai sollum pothe ulnenjil kondaattam, unnode vaazha thane uyir vazhum poraattam……*

“At the mention of your name, my heart celebrates joy. To live with you is why battle with life…”

Funny how these words will only come out from me and not the person I loved so dearly. I started my way to 7-11 with earphones in place and my pouch bag over my shoulder. The wind was blowing in such a manner that I felt it fine tuned itself to hit me in the best possible way, from the most promising of angles, that it swept me away from my restlessness of being lonely and deprived.

First song ends and second one starts playing.

*ore naal siritten, mare naal veretten, unai naanum kollamal kondre putaitene, mannipaaya x3*

“One day I smiled, the next day I was filled with hatred, because I killed and buried you without even having to do so… will u forgive me…#”
*a beautiful flute solo follows for a few seconds*

These words would mean nothing to him because I did no such thing #. But I gave him my entire self; I was his for the taking. I did so because that was what he initially wanted. God knows I was hopelessly in love. God, after all, meant for this to happen. I didn’t know then that I was making a complete fool out of myself. Doing his laundry, his assignments, helping him study for his exams, giving him money, offering advice, giving him comfort (that would include body massages almost every other nite), getting him food, cigarettes and, trust me when I say the list has just begun.

That is all now in the past.

The aura surrounding me on my way back from 7-11 was sober one, but everything was finally at rest. A long lost peace, now within me, an old friend finally together again…

*punches in the numbers for digi reload*

Mr. Loneliness and Mr. Depression, two entities that have managed to sway me for the past 3 years on various occasions are now still showing up, making their ever so prominent entries in my life… But these days it looks like I laugh at Mr. Depression’s pathetic sense of fashion (lifeless and dull is the way he chooses to adorn himself) and Mr. Loneliness, no matter how fashion forward he may be, all he can do is sit and stare at me actually enjoying his silent presence….

*guitar solo plays*(my message ringtone)

Reload successful….

Indeed, I reloaded myself with peace and bliss….

how happiness came to be for me......

How can one book change your entire course of life and on top of it affect your mindset in ways you never thought possible? How can reading through 542 pages of someone else’s life affect yours so profoundly that the very things you used to believe in about the very most prioritized things in life comes tumbling down revealing truths deeper and more significant than your small, incapable mind would ever be able to grasp? I have had one such revelation from one book, and strangely enough it was mom who handed me down this book (my mom was never an avid reader and I never did like the materials she chose to read). It is one of those books that you read and re-read so that the essence of all that excellence in thought and impacts of the words in the book should stay fresh like how scars of past experiences remind you every single moment in life of the lessons you have learnt.

Image source:

http://www.eso-garden.com/index.php?/weblog/C4/P15/

The title: Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahamsa Yogananda

The author: A God-realised Yogi whom took up permanent residence in the West to preach teachings of the Kriya Yoga meditation methods.

Sounds very religious/spiritual doesn’t it? But coming from an average person like me it does seem odd doesn’t it. I know I am not remotely religious, I hardly ever visit the temples being a Hindu, the only reason I carry out Friday prayers, in a preset and orderly manner is so that mom is happy. How can I then be moved by a book like such?

After having read the book I can only say this, tasting coffee and saying that you hate it is more warranted than refusing it by blaming its caffeine content (or anything else that maybe doable), not having known its pleasures at all…

This is one such book that when you put down you will either be forever changed or indifference is what it results in… I am glad that it was the former for me because everything in life has become crystal clear, my destiny even (yes, I do believe we are all destined to be in this world because each and every one of us serve a purpose).

I never thought spirituality would be my calling. Never imagined it would be my one true pursuit in life. But then again, life for me has unfolded in such a way that it was almost pushing me to this one purpose that I could not possibly be wrong. Many “ah-ha!” moments (I know, I know, the clichéd Oprah phrase of many Oprah fans out there, what can you possibly do, shoot me for that???), have come to pass in my life, the ultimate one being the very instance I finished the first chapter of the book, until I put it down… It was then my very existence came to be meaningful to me… I used to beat myself up and also blame God (yes, very easy route it was to make me feel better, blame the bloody Creator of the Universe) for my birth being such an incapable, miss-matched fool, and an utterly pathetic excuse for a human being.

Come present times, I could not love myself more, and even though there will be countless saintly souls out there to contrast myself, I shall take comfort in knowing that I shall never revert to my ways of self-despise.

“No matter what you are doing, keep the undercurrent of happiness. Learn to be
secretly happy within your heart in spite of all circumstances.”

-Paramahamsa Yogananda

The only difference would be I don’t have to be only secretly happy anymore because……

“The happiness of one's own heart alone cannot satisfy the soul; one must try to include, as necessary to one's own happiness, the happiness of others.”

And….

“If you possess happiness you possess everything: to be happy is to be in tune with God.”

-Paramahamsa Yogananda

Writing this made me happy….. And I hope reading this, whoever who does, make yourself happy too…. *carves a hearty smile*

2008???? 2008 was my last post???

I just realised that my blog needs revising, revamping almost, as per suggested by my “bestie”, Cookies and Cakes. I love Cookies and Cakes!!! We're soulmates but sadly our love is as platonic as it can get...

But then again, why would i???

This was me writing (about 2 to 4 years ago), and now it is still me. I like to see how things have changed and how I have matured (or maybe not)…

My last entry was, Wednesday, March 05, 2008. 2008!!!!

And it is now 23^rd April 2010.

*sheds tears* I remember writing down that life’s been a rollercoaster ride previously in my entries… How wrong was I then??? But poor me…I didn’t know better. At this instance I recall an aunt of mine who had an amateur ability in palmistry. I was probably 16 approaching 17 (*Sound of Music scores start playing in the head* dum de dum de dum, Sound of Music, euphoric, dum de dum de dum), and being of that age (I do remember being a teenager with an half an innocent mind and an even more childlike demeanour, and yes, I was told that I need to grow up all the time, not literally though) I was still like a little puppy running around being cheerful, excited etc. What bullshit!!! Anyway, we, my cousins and I, took turns at the exciting prospect of having our future deciphered and even managed to laugh about it.

Cousin #1- Hahahahahaha, you gonna have two wives!!!

Cousin#2- *Slaps his forehead* Aiyo Kadavule!!! (meaning “Oh God” in the Tamil language)

Me- You like Mat Romeo la (Romeo epitomised being a romantic man surrounded by beautiful women, in a very “Malaysian”ised way, when in fact he embodied monogamy, oh Shakespeare, how I oblivious was I!!!)

I remember her words, although details were vague, but this was what came to mind…

“You will become someone successful, but you will have to go through a lot in life. You see your hands, they are not very smooth, they are bumpy and this is what it means. But don’t worry; you will lead a good life.”

Little did I know what she said was soon to materialise...

At this point I erased what I initially wrote for my blog and told myself I do not have to revisit the ghosts of my past to get a closure on them… I am writing, right here and right now, and the present moment seems too precious to be wasted on the past which should be nothing but a means to realise that our past shape us, but it is our future that we can own… I tell myself this very moment to never look back except to learn from it… and if what lies ahead is anything like what has happened then I can barely wait for it to unfold….

I am taking myself more seriously as a biotechnologist these days.....

I've come to realise now that as much as i have yet to fully register it in my brains and accept the fact, i am almost a full fledged BSc. graduate... With a major in biotechnology... Fashion has pretty much slipped away and its but traces of it that is lingering around... Makeup....well dat has been well and alive because of all the training i get doin stage makeup for all de gals in my dance group... Fashion will come around i am sure but just not for now... Its been cryopreserved (haha.... de inner biotechnologist speaking), and will be thawed soon for use...
Doin my project has made me realise that i can still be awed by lab work and getting results, and still marvel at how powerful scientists are and science is... I am one of them (scientists) damn it!!!
It has somehow dawned upon me that if i wanted to have studied fashion i should've stood up for it way bak in Form 6 but, alas, i was way too much of a crowd pleaser that i had 2 go and do the thing that pleased not only my parents but also my relatives alike... So now, i should be concentrating on what i am doing and i should do it well... Fussing over what i've missed as i've found out the hard way was never a solution to anything... To be frank it made things worse... But things have taken a turn for the better and i am now focused on my current predicament to make de best out of it...
Actually the very reason i've been so accepting and motivated is because i've had a consolation for having missed fashion in the first place... ODISSI... It gave me a sense of belonging, finally, because i felt that being just a BSc. graduate seem so accomplishable... Seemed very meagre, very achievable. N i knew very well i wasn't going 2 be the best at it. On top of this i missed the very thing i could've been great in, fashion... Odissi jus fit de jigsaw puzzle and it came at the time i was most desperate for goal to work for which i, very foremostly, love....

So here goes, first odissi, then a professional cert in makeup, and then, slowly a fashion stylist perhaps....and a biotechnologist all the way...
Wow, now that sounds more like a worthwhile goal and once achieved an even more worthwhile accomplishment....

dance dance dance

I am gonna be an odissi dancer!!!! Hurray!!!!!!
Well, lets come from the beginning. SM, where it all started. I never knew i'd be deeply moved by this art form of the odissi.... Its absolutely gorgeous!!! I am going odissi crazy that i come back everyday after classes to 9 of my most loved, priceless odissi videos i downloaded from google videos n youtube on my laptop. I must say, i never expected my chilhood dreams of becoming a classical dancer to materialise and now it slowly is....
Oh yea, SM is a club of performing arts in University Malaya founded by RV, a masters student of performing arts in University Malaya majoring in dance, who himself is a dancer trained in the Guru Deba Prasad style of odissi. Ever since it started, with my badge of students being the pioneers, we focused on finishing our mangalacharan, the Gangatharanga, dedicated to Lord Shiva, the ultimate dancer himself. There on, i have come to love odissi in its downright essence... Everything from the mudras to the banghi and the chowka, from the fluidity to the purposeful distortions, from the acessories to the makeup and the white pottu that is carefully drawn on our faces... ITS EUPHORIC!!!!!!!
During a performance in Shah Alam for a contemporary dance piece. Each dancer took the role of a classical Indian dance which included the seven classical dances of India, i.e. baratanatyam, odissi, kuchipudi, mohini aattam, kathak, kathakali, and manipuri. I was, obviously, the odissi dancer. Eventhough the dance was a contemporary piece we made it a point to do our mudras correctly and our footwork perfectly.

its been long, n i have loads 2 write

OK, Godbro, no more in my life (although memories are cherished n dark moments, vividly carved into memory), met loads and loads of people (including a lot of local Indian celebrities from the silver screen), danced so much till, my record performance, was a piece choreographed the day before the event, went for a by-invitation-only fashion show which came with complementary cocktail (finally!!!), bought some brand names (for my wardrobe and also my grooming, i.e. SODA, SEED, Padini, Three Point Six, Echo Park, Ciano, The Body Shop, Snails, Lakme, Maybelline, Elianto etc. maybe not big a deal to some, but a huge deal for me), started doing my brows and started using proper makeup (if and when i go out for an important event or chilling out with my best friends in a lounge or a bar) and earned Jaan as a best friend and Sunbear as my partner...

Well, I've been great, life so far from my previous posts was another roller-coaster ride, is still a bunch of roses, and has been ever so fabulous. But there are a few things I've learnt down the road, among which

Not all people who claim to be sexually 'bent' are truly so, and hence, expecting my acquaintances and possible suitors to exercise monogamy even before anything starts to flourish is absolutely impossible and so i have learnt to not expect and keep every acquaintance on a get-to-know basis. One reason, is that, desperately sex-deprived men turn to men for mere pleasure, and since sex with men is most often more readily available, voila!!! Another reason is the fact that gay relationships are not-well not in Malaysia at least- marriage-bound and so all the more reason men secretively get into same sex bonding for more then just contact and friendship. Its tough being gay and surviving my country men but i have come across those who have been accepting and nothing beats having people to see you as someone more to offer than just being a laughing stock. There's more to a lot of PLU (people like us) than just being sexually bent (be it sexual orientation or sexual identity). I happen to see artists, accountants, doctors, i.e. maestros, geniuses and lifesavers in them than just the label 'gay men'...

I have to stand for what i want to do and be!!! And i am regretting the fact that i failed to do so long long time ago... I want to study fashion, and that seems only remotely possible. Winning over my parents to allow me to diverge (which in my books would be to get on the right track) seems to be the most daunting of all hurdles to overcome... I am praying for a miracle but i do have hope that even the wildest of my dreams (which isn't so much of a miracle) would come true...

Just take people easy. I have seen so many impossibly insatiable people that I've learnt to take people easy. The more seriously you take people to be, the more complicated things get when you want to relate to them. In a way it helps me be less judgemental and more accepting even to the worse of twisted minds and even the simplest of saint-like-human beings. But where best friends are concerned i dispose of the need to adapt for obvious reasons that needs no mentioning.

well, a huge gap, but was worth it (the post, not the gap)

still wondering

I know i have been through loads of hell 2 say this but my life seems so perfect... It is becoz it's strangely imperfect that makes it sop perfect....Besides the fact dat i'm yet 2 launch a career in fashion n i haven't found my significant half, evrything else is jus perfect for me... My studies r goin fab, mostly coz my subjects interesting... My life is so jam-packed wit stuff to do, i mean i'm in AISEC, i've agreed 2 participate in a dance competition on a local cable TV ( don't be deceived, in Malaysia, those who appear on the local cable TV, Astro, acquire as much fame as any1 on national TV would), my studies have heightened in2 more intellectual levels, i'm in a major project organised anually by my varsity's Tamil Language Society, n i'm in my residential college 'boria' team (boria is a dance originating from the state of Penang, in Malaysia).

Wat else cud i possibly ask for....

Life is good...
Life is tough...
Life's a bed os roses...
Soft petals, enchanting perfume, thorns and all...

relationships

Ever since i set foot onto MU relationships have been intensifying... One significant person in my life has got to be my godbrother...
He is wat i call God's send to me....
My almost everything now... I say 'almost' coz obviously u have parents n family to think of...and even if he is important to me, nothing would ever match the amount of love and attention my parents had put in 2 bring me up...

I've known him for barely4 months... bt he knows things bout me which took me years to confess to my best friends.....
He is sumthing i always wish i had... Everything and more... He has satisfied my every need for a person i want to call my own...But in a strange way he was never the person i imagined i would have been involved with in the sense that he was someone so opposed to who i am... Let's put it straight, he is a regular heterosexual guy, overweight, speaks the classic Tamil most Indian heterosexual guy in Malaysia would, hates shopping, speaks poor English although to certain extend has the confidence to pull of an image what others might pass off as comprehensible, and yet some others even good, dresses ever so typically (boot leg pants and the more economical version of British India look alike tops) n wears loafers like dats the only thing dat would ever compliment those flared pants...
Let's look at myself...I, i had an awfully complicated love life, wif an even more complicated sexual life, know more bout fashion n makeup than anyone around me will ever be able to find out, I know i have o good command of the English language, even if i'm not perfect, i strive for perfection, even if i speak Tamil it has never been my best doing, i love shopping, i can make women's jewellery, n i strive to dress as differently as i can den other regular 'COOL DUDE' wannabes.....
BUT
What has been absolutely intriguing is dat our relationship has been one of those made-in-heaven bonds....I had an instant liking to him as he had 2 me... It all seems like a fairy tale story now wen i look back at it making me think of d movie A Cinderella Story starring Hillary Duff,....i quote..."....fairy tales don't only come true in books, they come true in real life too....."

It has been a fairy tale come true for me...N i'll treasure it forever...
Cheesy, but that's d best way I can put it....
I have no regrets
N i am looking forward 2 see where this relationship is goin 2 take me to...

Melancholy

Melancholy dats how i 'm feeling now... Pretty 'blegh'... I duno how i am gona cope next time on..during my next semester break dat is...Being in d capital of Malaysia has been pretty interesting n my life in da varsity was absolutely a blast!!! I had a great time... Not all da time but life was as as a roller coaster ride as i got!!!

Dancing was great, especiallty wen i was in da spolight n evryone who saw me dance practically went, 'who is dat guy who danced' etc... It was very uplifting n refreshing. i knew i dance well but i didn't know i had d extra flair to it...

its been long

Its been a long time but i am glad to be blogging AGAIN...

Ok...i wanted to write about my orientation days in university...One long month of suffering in seniors' room...It was hell..N to think that my badge of boys did not get it as worse as my seniors... I duno how i went thru it...but i sure would have killed half my brains cells thinking bout it IF i had found out about it any sooner then wen it happened... But coming back to my initial point, i really would not like to write about it.

Ok lets go on to my experience as a first year... Its juz like how Emma put it when describing Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter, there wasn't a dull moment in my life...not one...Even as boring as lectures may seem it wasn't dull...There was always sumthin interesting, always...

GOD where do i start?? Ok Lets start wif dancing... Tonnes of that!!! Even making front page of a daily Malaysian paper... I was afraid dat id neva b able 2 show off dis talent of mine wen i was in school, i mean opportunities came n went but i seemed to hide myself in the shadow neva grasping the opportunities that came by... N wen i left school i swore i'd neva let an opportunity to shine pass by... N voila...i was doin it!!!

ok...have 2 attend a call...(my godbro)