Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me,

I have no one to blame but myself for my weight and I know that.

I also know that it isn't entirely my fault that I fell into a drain and tore my meniscus.

That mishap took away the one thing that gives me the strength to wake up enthusiastically every morning; ODISSI.

It also took away from me, the ability to do physical exercise to loose weight until a point that I gave up and started eating, drinking and smoking excessively.

I also know that very few people know of my ordeal and those who don't just see what they see, a FAT guy.

They also do not know that I have quit smoking and became an occasional drinker with a two drink limit. They also do not know that I probably eat lesser than they do.

So it pissed me off when the first things my aunt #3 said to me after not having seen each other in several months was "YOU NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT LA!" in a VERY condescending tone. I retaliated and she wasn't happy.

Things happen for a reason and if people do not understand what you are going through then they aren't worth your time. I am not about to completely write off this aunt of mine but she is one I am keeping at arm's length. I'll say my "Hi/Hello" and walk into another space. It has happened with aunt#1's family. If I can't find the distance I need, I'll reach for my phone and start continuously texting Cookies and Cakes even if he doesn't reply.

She'll be one of those people I call, worthless until proven worthwhile or otherwise.

Perhaps I'll write a list.

Worthless until proven otherwise


Thank you Just Me

Love,
J

PS: There should also be a "redundant until proven otherwise" list but the list in itself is redundant!!! HAHAHA!!!

I am in LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #5

This time around I'm back to Tamil movies.

This guy however is of Punjabi descent who has recently dabbled in Kollywood.

His Kollywood debut has been raved upon.

Although I believe there was little acting involved in that particular role.

All that being said, the man is gorgeous!!!

His name is Neil Nitin Mukesh.

Grandson of the legendary Mukesh Chand Mathur (an iconic Bollywood playback singer (think kabhi kabhi mere dil me or just google him) and grandson of Nitin Mukesh (another great singer).

And this time around I am not "fan-girl"-ing.

No ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

No *fans oneself*

No*palpitations*

No *faints*

It's more like...

I wanna smell him...

I wanna smell his hair have him hug me from behind.

*deep deep deep sighs*

Courtesy of http://www.gopixpic.com/

Courtesy of his Wikipedia page

Courtesy of http://www.hdwallpapersinn.com/

Enough said!

F@&K!!!!!!!!!

Indian Gay Boys.... Sigh Sigh....

On a popular queer dating site,

Boy: Hi dude.
J: Hello
Boy: Nice 2 chat with you bro.
J: Thanks. You are?
Boy: im ___ dude...ur name...
J: I am J. What do you do ___ ?
Boy: im working bro...and u..?
J: I am studying. Just started my PhD.
Boy: oh nice.
J: Thanks.
Boy: no prob.

*no replies*

J: I hope you read my profile properly.
Boy: yes bro....any prob?
J: Well I am a fat guy just so you know...

*no replies*

Sigh sigh. They think they are almighty and all macho! And I feel stupid for being so attracted to brown men!

My profile isn't complicated you know. Just looking at my stats, one may form a picture as to how big I may be.

BODOH kan???

Anyway, I did meet someone from this dating site. So far, we've had a strong sexual attraction.

I've met him twice and we Whatsapp everyday and speak as frequently as we can. I am to take the blame. Even THIS I procrastinate!!!

He is brown (a-boh-den???), well-mannered, plus sized (deliciously like myself) and he adores me.

What this will become is completely in the dark.

We'll see... *wink*

My heart is so stubborn!

I keep telling it to fall in love already!!!!

Any advice?

Simply La You Know, Something Triggered In My Head!

I will be the first to admit that I possess many negative qualities people want the world to be rid of.

And it seems that I always realise this when a Facebook friend starts preaching.

Which begs the conundrum, how can one preach when he/she isn't perfect?

I am cynical (albeit more satirically rather than dead-set serious cynicism), I procrastinate, I love alcohol (although I can't drink it as much as I used to be able to), I am a former smoker, I fake myself sometimes to get things done, I lie, I am lazy, I love gossiping and bla and bla and bla and I can keep adding to this list with no end in sight. I am flawed, admittedly make no excuses for it and always know God loves me and Karma is timely and ultimately takes it toll.

So it always surprises me when people tend to relentlessly defend their virtues (yes, 'virtue', most definitely includes a positive connotation in this context) although the truth or even their motivation for it may be far from justified. So far from being fair, they may have even convinced themselves that it is the only truth.

I am always ready to admit defeat. If one tells me that I am being an asshole, I'll admit it and I'll reason with myself and adapt.

Because when it comes to defending oneself, even the purest of souls turn into bigots.

After all, in the end, it is always the innate ego in oneself that starts saying "I have done this and done that and I know this and know that."

When in fact, the 'I' itself is nothing more than an illusion.

HE is the only truth.

As the great Ramana Maharshi says, "Your duty is not to be this or that; give up the notion that 'I am so and so' ".

And that saying was 'Google'd.

Cos' J ain't perfect honey!!!

The One Where Madam R Screws Up The Thosai Batter

Madam R's shenanigans are abundant, like the time when she wanted to revisit certain places to touch leaves and wash hands (by the way, she's 80 and NOT senile).  And there are the times she used to visit prior to living with us when I usually HAD TO monitor her cooking activities. The story today with the thosai batter was one such incident.

Friday, 14th November 2014

Madam R prepares thosai batter for Saturday breakfast. 

Thosai batter needs to ferment overnight and a warm environment helps speed up the process. Housewives and restaurant chefs come up with their own unique ways to do this, typically, by applying a minute but steady heat supply. An example would be to leave it beside the refrigerator where heat is generated from the refrigerator motor. 

Saturday, 15th November 2014

So, Madam R, being the 'genius' that she is, decided that simply placing the thosai batter beside the refrigerator wasn't going to do the trick. No. It would just take way too long! Madam R wanted to go one step further and use direct heat source. Yes! The stove!!! Our genius decided to leave the thosai batter container (aluminum pot), on a wok, on the stove with the stove turned on to the lowest. And forgot all about it. 

Reminder! This woman is NOT senile. She never forgets people and how one person is her husband's, brother's, daughter's, husband's, cousin in law. She reads the newspapers everyday and is abreast with current happenings in the country! She also never forgets to remind me to take the garbage out (a reminder I get 10 times in a day), or to buy her something she needs (like balance reload for her cellphone!)

What happened with the thosai batter? Well, it was on the heat from about 1 a.m. till 4 a.m. and started cooking instead of just fermenting. How did I know this? Well, I was up at half past 8 this morning and she was in the kitchen checking on her batter. The bottom layer was cooked and had formed pancake-like consistency. I burst into laughter for the next 10 minutes. And kept laughing intermittently for the next half hour.

I love the characters in my life! 

They make it so damn interesting!!!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!

It Is Navarathri and I Wish With All My Heart

3rd of October marks the end of Navarathri (literally translates to "9 nights"). 

Navarathri is the celebration of the female aspect of God.

It is a celebration of the Shakti (power) aspect of Hinduism.

Durga, Mahalakhsmi, and Saraswathi are the three deities most significantly attached to the celebrations.

I recall the most significant Navarathri of my life; my proper initiation into odissi. 

2014 Narathri has been rather bleak so far. 

My head buried in my laptop finishing up my thesis corrections.

Overweight with a knee problem.

My odissi accessories and my dancing bells (oh my dancing bells) just sitting pretty in the altar.

I regret that I let myself go where my keeping my weight in check was concerned.

I miss dancing so much it really really hurts!

God! Have mercy on me.

Let this child, this part of you, the soul yearning to be one with you, feel you through this heavenly form of art.

I have been cleansed of nicotine cravings and alcohol abuse. 

Open up my path back to odissi.

I hate crying over this.

Let me dance again.

Om Tat Sat.

Filling In For The High Priestess II

Like in 2011, the pedestal is again devoid, this time, only of The High Priestess. She has flown again to the Holy Lands to the region where kathak originated from (think Madhuri Dixit in Devdas, ooooohhhh, goosebumps). She would also be heading to a city which is known for a colour, an architectural symbol of love, and a grand temple synonymous with the richest metal.

This time around, she opted to take up an offer of her childhood friend to journey there.

Again, I am left taking over her responsibilities with Madam R also temporarily staying with her second daughter.

I really do hope The High Priestess has the time of her life!!!

She is going to be bathing in all things colourful, beautiful, delicious, spiritual and all that epitomise mysticism and grandeur!!!

I'm gonna miss her and I await her return in anticipation!!!

Madam R Turns 80!

The matriarch has reached an age some of us can only wish for.

And she's mobile, healthy and can still cook brilliantly!

I pray to God for many more healthy years to come for this beloved woman!

I had to hold the cake knife because she kept prodding
the cake before we could sing Happy Birthday.
This is me handing the knife back to her.
It was home-made upside down pineapple cake.

How Can???

Having overcome the biggest hurdle to obtain my masters degree I have now turned my focus to my deepest passion.

Dance.

However I am, at the moment, massively obese. 

About 50 kgs heavier then I was in this post. 

Not forgetting my injury which further contributed to my weight gain.

How would one lose weight?

Why, by exercising of course!

I have taken to swimming, against all my better judgement, knowing very well that I'd look horrendous in a swimming trunk because I don't have much of a choice.

Swimming is high resistance, low impact exercising; perfect for both my weight and my knees.

There is another aspect to losing weight; diet.

But,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Top left; sticky rice with grated coconut condiment (pulut dan inti), grandma's cooking. Top right; Indian candy, made with condensed milk, grated coconut, lots of sugar and some Milo in this version (usually food colouring is used), mom's preparation. Bottom left; my grandma's cooking, fish curry, fried fish marinated in curry powder, and broadbeans stewed with pre-stewed mungbeans. Bottom right, laddoo (made with spiced dhal flour that is deep fried then steeped in sugar syrup and mixed with cashews pre-fried in clarified butter a.k.a ghee then formed into balls), aunt's preparation.

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN YOU FREQUENTLY GET FOOD LIKE THIS?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To add depth to the situation, I am very poor at both portion control and self-control!!!

ARRGGGHH!!!!!!

The 200th Post; A Milestone in My Life!

I have officially passed my Masters thesis examination!!!

And it's my 200th post!

And I have a pay check!

I can't wait to do my 2015 checklist!

I Don't

I don't go out to parties anymore on Saturday nights

I blog

-.-

At least until the 16th.

http://cheezburger.com/2665910272

I Changed My Life Around

Truth be told, up to the 5th of March 2014, I was still smoking.

I was drinking heavily too.

I loved every minute of that!

However, a visit to the hospital to see my brother's ex girlfriends mother upon the request of The High Priestess after finding out she suffered a stroke changed all that.

Oh, The High Priestess still kept in touch with Gdaran's ex girlfriend however, she only met her would-have-been in-law that very day. She explained the progression of events that lead to her landing on a hospital bed which got me over-thinking about myself and how terrible my lifestyle was.

The next day, 6th March 2014, I fasted.

I ended up with some gastric problem symptoms which I erroneously deduced as signs of possible stroke or a heart attack. My heart rate picked up and my pressure increased. As the pain in my stomach which (I would later find out was nothing more than indigestion, gastric and flatulence at once) ran through my hand I could not slow my racing heart as my mind was already forming images of pain and death!

Throughout the night I could not steady my mind. I finally gave up because, after forcing myself to fall asleep, I awoke an hour later in a sweaty state and realised my heart was still beating fast. Although I succeeded in calming myself down, my mind kept running back to my sweaty awakening eventually resulting in palpitations.

That's it! I woke mum up and she drove me to the hospital.

Doctors' (yes, I was attended by three of them) early diagnosis was that my lifestyle of drinking, smoking, eating unhealthy and stress had given me a gastric problem. Blood test results indicated raised cardiac enzyme levels which may have been due to the palpitations as my ECG was clear.

I spend a day in the hospital and had my first experience of a catheter in my hand. Yes, I have never been admitted to a hospital or had a catheter in my hand, not the one the use to administer saline and drugs at least (I've donated blood but that is no where as scary).

So I mended my ways;

I only ever drink two or three servings of alcohol and as infrequently as twice a month.
I quit smoking; COLD TURKEY, on the 6th of March 2014.
I have slowed down on caffeine to a cup decaf I have in the morning and an occasional cup of tea in the evenings.
I have started swimming.
I have started limiting my dinners to a minimum; most nights only having a cup of oats and two slices of bread if I am hungry.
I have brown rice or parboiled rice when I do have rice.
I have reduced my portions and started snacking on fruits instead.
Although not apparent, I have lost about 5 kgs.

God is right here with me.

I believe it, for without the adversity on the 6th of March 2014, I would have never mended my ways.

A Very Short Story of Two Gay Men and A Not So Straight One...

I have recently come into contact with two Indian gay men. A local one, and a foreigner from a neighbouring country.

Local Indian guy's mother is under complete bed rest battling cancer. Vicious, vicious disease! And he still manages to lighten my day up!

Foreigner has a mom who has suffered a stroke and has lived to tell the tale. A little mentally repressed but a sweetheart nonetheless!

And then we have Mr. P, the not so straight character, lost his mom a year and a half ago and lost his brother recently. His Facebook rantings are well justified but is ordeal is what moves me.

WHEREAS

My problem is facing a stupid assessment of my thesis with two examiners.

You see my point?

Chill the FUCK out J!!!

Keep calm and do your best...

Remember When You Love Someone

Remember when you love someone and you get jealous because you suspect your someone is doing something behind your back with another someone? I still do. It's like plunging a knife into your gut and twisting it all about...

It was about half past 6 am, 16th June 2014 when my phone rang... Usually I'd sleep so soundly that the phone would ring three or four times and it would continue to only ring. I guess God saw an opportunity to make me see something. 

It was Confused Gal with evidence that Mr. P was being more than just friendly with his current housemate. A girl who is already in a relationship with someone else. 

Going back to my initial point, I just didn't feel anything. 

I guess Mr. P detox has been complete for a while now... 

Took me a real situation to find that out...

Now all that's left is to try and fall in love again!!!

Come on heart, work with me!!!

J HAS to fall in love again!!!

IT IS ABOUT TIME!!!

When I Said That Character Won't Be Seeing Its Last Post....

How such a passing thought becomes true. I met Mr. P again, after exactly 2 years and 2 weeks.

Last I met him, it was his sister's wedding. I didn't attend his mom's funeral. And that was the end...

And just hours ago I was there, sitting in his living room like it was 2009 all over again. 

I went there because I felt, the very least, his dad needed some sort of comforting. Losing a child is the stuff of nightmares. I was also helping Confused Gal and her sister out because they couldn't find a bus out of that remote place.

I didn't actually have a proper conversation with him. There wasn't much to say between us. But he did make an effort to talk to me. He teased my weight gain as I walked in the door and while eating as I was kinda forced to have dinner.

Mr. P : Have some more rice J.

Me : Enough, that's enough for me.

Mr. P : Why? What you on a diet or something? *wide smiles*

Me : *raised eyebrows and smiles*

I noticed that he kept looking at me. I was too afraid to look right at him because when someone just looks at me, I look them back straight in the eye. I am not in love with someone else. And even if I were, a relationship like the one I had with Mr. P doesn't just erase itself. I did catch a glimpse of him and we stared dead straight into each others' eyes for 2 whole seconds. I knew he wanted to make conversation but I just wouldn't look his way. For the most part I was sitting on a one seat couch beside which was a separate 2 seats couch. And for the better part of the night, he was sitting on that two seats couch edged near me. He managed to tell me about how the accident happened and the mystery surrounding it, details of which I am trying to erase myself. 

And then I left, with Confused Gal and her sister.

Later I sent them off on their way and I came and sat down in the car.

I need a Mr. P detox. 

That's what it feels like right now.

But I know, come tomorrow, I'll be just fine...

Now I Pity Mr. P...

Just about a year and a half ago Mrs. GE's time on Earth came to an end.

Just over 24 hours ago, her youngest followed suit.

I got the news yesterday morning.

Crazy Soldier was the bearer.

The boy was 23.

Was just confirmed to receive his diploma and graduation was supposedly around the corner.

Apparently his motorcycle skidded right into a wall.

The one invariable scenario I got from all the stories I heard was that the fella suffered a head injury which lead to his death on the spot.

Now I feel bad for the guy.

Not the brother, I feel bad for Mr. P...

He's already messed up, 'up there' *gestures to the head i.e. the brains*.

This is the last thing he needs; another loved one leaving him.

I kinda started the string of his loved ones (arguable, but I'd like to think I was one of them) leaving him.

Intentionally or otherwise.

First me,

Then Confused Gal followed (yes, it has been over a year since they've been separated).

Then the mother, Mrs. GE.

Now his brother.

I offer my solemn prayer to God.

For his brother's Soul.

Dear God,

Take this soul, this child of yours, into your merciful arms.

Offer him comfort and solace.

Take his pain away.

Console him and then as per the laws of karma,

Move him on or give him salvation.

I pray for his salvation.

Aum Shanthi.

In my vivid memory, 

Jayaselan, 1991 - 2014.

The Paternal Granny; Madam K.....

..... has been reduced from the iron lady having raised 6 children, to a feeble, senile, incontinent old lady who seems to be spending her days waiting for Yama (I hate to say it but it's true).

She can hardly walk up a flight of stairs.

She can control neither her bladder nor her bowels.

She has become so weak that she moves around only twice a day (to the dining area, once for lunch and once for dinner; breakfast is usually sent to her room).

Her sense of direction and her sense of movement have grossly deteriorated.

Saddest of it all is the lack of interest my dad's siblings have about her status quo except the one she lives with at the moment (Aunt #4). I guess The High Priest and Aunt #3 are the other two exceptions because The High Priest is probably the only sibling closely involved in her welfare whilst Aunt #3 is not only living in a different state but is also ailing herself (besides, she sends money from time to time for her mother).

Of course Aunt #4 is doing a pretty decent job of taking care of her mother. But The High Priestess begs to differ, divulging to me that Aunt #4 should be doing a better job at taking care of Madam K, who is after all Aunt #4's own mother. I guess that speaks volumes of The High Priestess as she feels so badly for her Madam K although Madam K has been very difficult to her in the past (think Tamil soap drama mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law drama).

I am praying that God either restores her to a walking and talking state or, the very least, makes her 'transition' a smooth, painless and peaceful one.

She has suffered enough.

Aum Shanthi.

The Bad Guy from Mahabaratham

Nope this post isn't so much about the Hindu epic story.

It is more about the actor that plays Duryodhana a.k.a The Bad Guy in the latest re-telling of the Hindu epic via a TV-series.

The series itself has managed to stay true to story-telling but has pushed beyond lavishness with the sets, costumes and casting.

Everyone in it is freaking "cantik". I mean every actor!!!

For example;

Saurabh Raj Jain as Krishna
Courtesy of Times of India and India Forums

Shaheer Sheikh as Arjunan
Courtesy of Bolega India and India Forums

EVEN THE ACTRESSES!!! 

Pooja Sharma as Draupadi
Courtesy of Santa Banta and Sulekha.com 

That is one gorgeous woman!
Isn't she?


But the one whom stole my heart?
Arpit Ranka as Duryodhana
The antagonist.
I like the bad guy; big surprise *eye roll*.

Courtesy of Chennai Online

Courtesy of India Forums

*meltsssssssssss*

Isn't he pretty??????

*long deep breathing sighs*

Crippled!

Literally!
Sustained a knee injury!

Fell into the drain a week prior to the actual incident.
Must have damaged the knee to some degree then.

Was forced to dance during a relative's wedding function.

Just on the open dance floor, not a performance.

2 minutes in, I landed my leg the wrong way.

Felt like my knees were gonna fall apart.

I knew something went horribly wrong.
I prayed that it was not a dislocation of the joint.

Was scared more than I was in pain.

Odissi flashed before my eyes and how training would be affected.

This happened about two months ago.

Recovery period for meniscus injury is longer.

As opposed to bone injury where keeping in motion is encouraged.

Meniscus injury require complete rest during its initial stages.

No strenuous activity until it fully recovers.

Which could take months.

Have put on some weight.

And now am in a quest to loose it.

Wish me both luck and a speedy recovery.

Odissi Dancers from....

Russia!

Yes, RUSSIA!!!

They are Elena Knyazava and Irina Komissarova

And here they perform an abhinaya piece.

A piece depicting Ardhaniswara; a form of Lord Shiva.

Half the God Shiva (the male aspect) and the other half the Goddess Shakti (the female energy).

This as good as any of the best odissi dancers in the world!

PS: This is the LINK to the video on Youtube. Another thing is that the entire piece actually lasts much longer; around 15 minutes. The dancers have apparently shortened it for the performance.

It's Done!

And it's my thesis!

It's done!

I am so relieved!