God speaks through Cookies and Cakes!!!

I have been suffering with this one thing for so long (a year to be exact) and only today, Cookies and Cakes managed to bug the hell out of me that i blurted the matter out.

Tale: I promised Mr. P that i'd settle his education debts amounting to over RM3k so that he'd be able to graduate this year. But alas, since Mr. P wanted it to be done in a way so as to not expose the fact that he needs the sum for himself i have been working under false pretences all this while. For example, talking to people for money for myself, getting funds for projects, and getting paid for sex (i promised him i'd get him de money even if i had to put myself on the line) etc. God must have been keeping a close eye on my activities as all of these attempts only resulted in futile outcomes. Then just three weeks ago, the stress became insurmountable that i was breaking under pressure. My neck turned stiff, i had acne breakout (the worst i've seen in years), my diet was all over the place (either over-indulging or starving) and pre-eminently disconcerting status updates on a popular social networking website. Beat myself up over no apparent reason and rendered oneself, in most instances, incapable of performing at his best. In a nutshell, gave up life!!!

So happened that i have been asking God the question i am almost certain everyone does, WHY ME???

And he answered...

Although there was nothing astonishing surrounding the enlightenment (if i may say so), perplexingly enough (for me), it came from Cookies and Cakes. I was so intimidated of the resulting dismal-cum-horrific expressions of disbelief if Cookies and Cakes was to find out that all along i have been indeed spoon-feeding Mr. P. So alarmed i was i hid this part of the story (or in other ways was being frugal with the truth), so as to avoid such consequences. I am an escapist; always sweeping my dirt under the carpet rather than to dust it out and clean them off (which makes me re-think my blog name, which in current predicament, is so inept). My stint of keeping the "dust bunnies" under the "carpet" ended a few hours prior to blogging this entry.

*text message*

CnC:      Somethin happened at home?
Myself:  Not really.
CnC:      Den wats wif e fb status?
Myself:  Please don't ask me bout dat. I've not been honest wit u n i really don't wanna burden u wit de shit i'm in now.
CnC:      Spill pls.im so free now...some burden wont hurt me..
Myself:  No. Trust me. U don't wanna know. Its regarding Mr. P. N i know ur sick of me bringing me up. Besides, like i told u i shan't talk bout dis 2 u anymore. Its a waste of our time. If  not mine at least urs...

CnC:      I hv loads of free time on my expense now so im gonna ask you again.wats it bout?
Myself:  Please don't. I know ur gonna bash me up like u've never bashed before. Its not even funny. Seriously...

CnC:      HDARAN A/L V! Im not goin to repeat meself..if you dun start talking now.im gonna bash u up worse than you can imagine!
Myself:  Ok. U wanna know? Fine! I promised to help Mr. P settle his his education debts which totals in RM 3500. I've been trying my best to collect de funds which have all been futile. N if he doesn't pay de amount by 21st he cannot graduate. I don't even care if he does or not. But his family is gonna be shattered. N they're really good people whose only liberation is their eldest son. To top it off, his father met wit an accident earlier this morning. N he's coming to Peaceful Suburb. Sounds pretty stupid of me right? but i'm dying of guilt here. I am really. I don't care if he loves me bak or doesn't. Now i jus don't want de hopes of a wonderful family shatter in2 de distance. Just like dat.

*no replies*

Myself:  Please keep dis a secret I've told no 1 else.

*no replies*

Myself:  ???

*no replies*


Myself:  Ur drivin over aren't u?

How much can a person take??? I called him right away; though i didn't keep track of the amount of times i did. AND he kept on diverting my calls!!! After the "ump"teenth attempt, halleluja, he picks UP!!! And with that started my answer from God through the mysterious ways He does; through my best friend, Cookies and Cakes...

It has been this one thing that i was not ready to face, the fact that i was holding on to Mr. P because he needed me. Being needed made me feel important and significant that i risked it all to be loved losing so much along the way. Mr. P made me feel wanted, needed, important and let's not blame him; i was ever so blind. I should've realised that in being present and providing him a bed of cushions to fall on, i've denied him of the all-important reality check. Life's tough sometimes, and we just have to face our fair share of shit!!! And mind you this was his shit!!! It was like a light shone upon me (even i am sick of typing out all these phrases of philosophy only to revert to my past being)....bla...bla...bla...

The few revelations Cookies and Cakes knocked into my head effortlessly (please don't judge me after reading this, one has been emotionally masked to see the truth for the past three years);

#1 Sometimes, doing the best thing for someone you love is by doing nothing at all. (don't spoon-feed him, he needs to learn to mature, as have i to learn how to compartmentalise my emotions and responsibilities)
#2 Think three steps ahead in every prominent decision you make in life.
#3 The best thing to do may not always be the right thing to do. (Yes, i would love for him to graduate but not at the expense of not learning a life's lesson he HAS to)
#4 Being at peace with yourself will manifest when life's challenges doesn't knock you down.
#5 I need an outlet to cope with stress.

It really felt like God spoke to me, through Cookies and Cakes...