Privileged vs Lucky

I grew up thinking that I was lucky.

Lucky because I would be told, shown and reminded that there were starving children everywhere in this world and I was lucky that I had parents who fed me and clothed me well beyond their means.

Lucky because The High Priest once knew hunger and he has made sure I would never.

Lucky because I got an education and some children began working as young as 5 (maybe younger).

Lucky because I was a boy and boys get more in life.

Lucky because I lived in the country I lived in because people in some parts of the world lived in war torn cities.

Lucky because I was taken overseas.

Lucky because I have a roof over my head.

Even the media tells us. Shows us shocking images. Of children picking up scraps from the ground out of sheer hunger. Parents running down the street, wailing, with bloodied corpses of their children laying motionless in their arms.

I understand that their pain comes no where close to even the most harrowing experiences I've had to go through in life.

And so, I grew up believing and telling myself I have nothing to complain about.

I still do.

Sometimes I convince myself so well that I actually believe I am happy.

And then I am actually happy and I realise I was fooling myself all along.

Fleeting are those moments.

There are but four moments in my life that I have been truly happy.

The day Mr. P's erection hit my hips.

The day I performed odissi in a foreign land.

The day I realised I had a masters degree and should stop there (but didn't).

The day I finished 10 kms and earned a finisher medal.

How trivial huh?

And as with all my revelations, I got it from a TV character who told another, "Privileged, not lucky". When the latter said the former was lucky because she got to ride on a airplane.

Today I realised;-

Me being who I was only brings the family pain. No amount of being helpful, humble or kind was going to solve it (money might);

Throwing money at the problem was a better solution to all my problems which is a realisation a couple of years too late;

My whole life of convincing myself that I was lucky has pushed me into depression which I'd wager a handsome bet at this point, that I'd be unquestionably clinically diagnosed. I've been suicidal and have documented my self inflicted wounds right here on Just Me.;

I have gotten so good at living with it that I'd convince the doctor I wasn't going through depression.;

I've convinced myself that if I had any emotional turmoil, that was always my fault.;

I've also convinced myself that pain only mattered when it is physical...

I don't know where I was going with this.... At least a little burden is lifted. Thank you Just Me.