I Am SO Ready For 2016!!!!

I am so fucking ready for 2015 to be over.

Of course, looking back, there were absolutely amazing things going on as well...

My doing drag (I did it twice actually because the play had a sequel).

My masters graduation!

But then again, lots of deaths.

Grandma's death was the first real close person in my life to pass over in as long as I've lived.

Morbid and very physically and emotionally draining.

Bitter sweet of extreme proportions and I don't like that.

It will definitely be memorable; 2015 is one to remember.

But...

GOOD-FUCKING-BYE 2015!!!

Dear Just Me + Rant

YES! Another Dear Just Me!!!

2015 is the year I have seen more cadavers, attended more funerals and gone to more cemeteries and crematoriums than I ever have in my entire life!!!

This time around it was a grandaunt.

My grandfather's sister.

She's someone the paternal extended family has been close for the longest of time.

After my parents moved out of my grandmother's house I didn't see much of her but she was still close to the family.

God bless your soul granny.

The rant on the other hand is related to a scenario that transpired during her funeral.

I discovered, at the funeral, that a second cousin of mine is a transwoman and just started transitioning; she was there too.

Now, my family members are very VERY pro machismo.

Men NEED to act, behave and dress like men, play and watch sports, and be interested in cars.

"Men" (and I use that term loosely) like that are looked up at.
They are revered, hero-worshiped almost.

So while standing around with my first cousins I started hearing the taunts and laughs; all directed at the poor girl.

Announcing how she is tied to the family, i.e., "It's so and so's son." all that came after that was laughter.

They just laughed and laughed at her; she was obviously not in close proximity to listen to all of this rubbish. 

To call them juvenile and idiotic is and insult to the very notion of being juvenile and idea of idiocy. 

These people have university degrees for God's sake!

I tried to not listen to what they were saying.

I didn't speak up either because knowing what I know, these people will never change.

I have been at the receiving end of such harsh words, many, many, MANY times when I was young and was nothing but myself.

"Why don't you go outside and play with the boys."

"Why is this boy always in the kitchen like a girl."

"Come on, act like a boy! Don't be such a sissy."

"Not interested in football? Don't like sports? What kind of a boy are you?"

"What are you doing??? Can't you just walk like a guy???!"

Just FYI, these weren't insults by strangers. These were all insults by relatives and some by the family.

It is a fairly strong anger/depression trigger for me.

I don't think any of us transgender (me being gender-queer) people ever get over the trauma of being teased like that but often we grow up and out of it. 

As time went by I have been able to mask my demeanor and fit in, making my life a little more tolerable, however, that does not make situations like this one any easier.

To try and reason with them is a battle I am not ready to fight, for the sole reason of not wanting to hurt my parents if ever the issue was to get out of hand.

Oh well, karma will be the ultimate bitch here!

I'll just have to sit back and watch how their lives unravel!

The Toughest

A bit sad jiwang-ish post.

A friend of mine posted that she finally deleted her ex's number from her phone (wink wink, you know who you are).

And I replied,

"Give yourself a pat on the back. Now erase it from your head. That's the toughest."

I still remember Mr. P's phone number, car number and birth date even if I don't want to.

Goals To Achieve by 40

Watching Kathleen Lights' (popular beauty YouTuber) shoe collection video kinda shoved me into a shoe collection watching frenzy and one name keeps shouting at me. Louboutin. And then this idea formed in my head. Goals to achieve by my next age milestone. FYI, I am 30. SO next age milestone, 40.

So here goes.

Things to achieve before 40 (in no priority order).

1. Own a pair (at least!) of Christian Louboutin.

2. See the Eiffel Tower (visit France, that goes without saying).

3. Own a house (whether I live in it or not is another question).

4. Odissi graduation (if my knee condition allows it).

5. Visit Orissa and watch odissi performances (many many odissi performances).

6. See Christ the Redeemer in Rio!

7. Have dinner at a Michelin star restaurant.

I'll keep updating this list as I go.

And, we'll check back in a decade shall we... 

Till then I'll find a way to attach this page to my sidebar as a constant reminder.

My Recent Quest

I finally got down to some action with the weight loss.

When I posted on June 23rd about the passing of a relative I was down with diarrhea. It went on for a few days and I lost a whole kg from not being able to sustain food. Something clicked in me because I had taken a break from eating rice. People are commonly prescribed to eat porridge when having diarrhea. Porridge is on a list (albeit a short one) of food I simply cannot ingest for the sole fact that it tastes horrible to me. So I resorted to bread.

And that somehow lit a lightbulb.

I cut rice out of my diet.

No no! I didn't cut out carbohydrate. I cut out rice.

Huge difference.

Not on an Atkins diet here.

I compensate by consuming large amounts of vegetables and I am also slowly avoiding anything fried.

I have perhaps 4 slices of bread per day but avoid white bread.

I also still enjoy a cup of tea in the evening lightly sugared.

I also enjoy alcohol every now and then, sparingly.

I also do not completely turn myself of cakes and pastries but again, the word for me is sparingly.

The result?

Since June 23, I have lost 10kgs!

WHA---??!!!!!!!!!!

Oh wait, did I also tell you I have started jogging and can now (from when I started at barely 500m), jog a whole 2 kms without stopping? I am slow but surely getting there!

Soon I'll take on the world! Metaphorically speaking of course... >.<

Hahahaha!!!

Short Story

If you're a straight acting Indian gay man in Malaysia, you get married.

You fuck your wife thinking of a dude.

You sleep with men and suck dick behind your wife's back.

-The end.

Obviously not going to happen to me.

If it does I got people to kill me.

Dear Just Me

I am FREAKING SICK of Dear Just Mes!!!

The late Madam K's younger brother has passed on.

He was a bachelor, a drunkard and had trouble staying in one place.

The niece that was nice enough to take care of him had told us about his shenanigans when we visited  a couple of months ago (they live in a different state). 

"He was actually ok, until he started getting drunk and wandering off. He would get his monthly money from welfare and would end up spending the money on cheap alcohol and start wandering around aimlessly. We have found him several times, all dirty and smelly, and we'd clean him up, feed him, and take care of him but as soon as he gets his money he would go back to his old habits and go missing again."

He apparently met with an accident having wandered off and was taken to the hospital where he was recognised by a friend of my aunt's (dad's cousin) husband.

He passed away in the hospital just in time for my aunt to get there to proceed with funeral arrangements.

I only remember him from my childhood. He was a very nice person who had a good ability to tie flower garlands; the ones used for weddings and for deity statues. Since he didn't children of his own he adored all his grandchildren, grand-nieces and -nephews.

Sad ending for someone who could have had a good life.

Nevertheless, I pray for his soul, for he too was your child God. Take this soul into your arms and give him resolution. 

Hari Om Tat Sath.

Aum Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi...

Movies

I am on this quest to educate myself as much as I can on everything that is iconic and pop-culture related to being transgender, gay, drag queen and everything else adjacent. In line with that pursuit I back tracked iconic movies related to the subject and since about 5 years ago have been on the quest to watch them all.

I was inevitably linked from one article to another and so on and so forth until I finally stumbled upon Rupaul Andre Charles; the glamour queen whose music video in the 90s made waves. I was inspired and I watched several interviews he did and he of course referenced some of his favorite iconic movies. One of them was the documentary Paris is Burning.

I finally watched it just a few days ago and boy was it an experience.

First of all, fashion in the 80's, one word, CRAZY!

And the gay community in New York in the 80s, wow, a spectacle!

This is one of those movies people should watch just to get the feel of how the most 'out' gay community was, in the 80s when LGBT people were still being teased, taunted, assaulted and even killed. It was a journey of sorts.

In that quest I have also watched other movies; some of which I can't recall at this instance but what I remember I have listed down below;

To Wong Foo, Love Julie Newmar
-This movie was a little bit of a stretch but it was entertaining; seeing Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze being fabulous was reason enough to watch!

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
-The famed Matrix antagonist is a drag queen in this movie! Definitely iconic status!

The Birdcage
-Nathan Lane's work was definitely praise-worthy!

Pink Flamingos
-Sit through this and not flinch and I'll salute you!

Fire
-Shabana Azmi and Nandita Das, one huge step for Indian LGBT community!

I Love You Phillip Morris
-Jim Carrey; enough said.

WOW!!!

I've been a little late to catch up on the Bollywood movie series Dhoom.

Truth be told, I have yet to even watch the first one through.

Watching a BuzzFeed video about Americans trying to learn Bollywood dancing *eye rolls* made me hungry for some proper Bollywood dancing.

My current obsession is Sheila Ki Jawani, after which I was directed to another video titled something along the lines of Dhoom Machale 3.

I watched; jaw to my neck!

KATRINA KAIF!!!!

WHAT THE ----!!!

No wonder people call her a bombshell.

That bitch can dance!!!
And her shoes!!!
Those outfits!!!

Go find and watch the video on YouTube!

I have a renewed passion for weight loss and getting into shape!

Ouh Dang, I Missed It...

I just realised that Just Me turned 9 this year. However, I do think the the 10 posts from 2006 to 2009, although just as important, was too scarce to include. 2009 was completely empty!!! So, in actuality Just Me is 5 years old, initiated on the 23rd of April 2010. Dang! I missed our anniversary!

Started as "Optimistic Always" (in 2006), it was changed, on the 1st of August 2011, to "Just Me". Come on, I was just coming into adulthood when I started!!! Jeez, if I had kept that, contrast between name and content would have been so jarring!!!

So it has been 5 years huh...

5 years of all my deep dark secrets.

5 years of the worst heartbreak of my life.

5 years of some of the best, most poignant moments in my life.

5 years of finding myself and positive revelations aplenty.

Goals setting, cigarette quitting, odissi dancing, female clothing wearing, heartbreak dealing, overseas travelling, friends loving, weight losing, weight gaining.....

....years of my life.

Unlike a line from my first post in 2010 (the revamped version of Just Me);

"... ... ... ... ... ... I remember writing down that life’s been a rollercoaster ride previously in my entries… How wrong was I then??? But poor me…I didn’t know better." 

I fervently expect another thrill ride all the way to 2020!!!!!!!!!

So, Just Me, are you ready for another thrill ride through 2015 until 2020, when we celebrate our 10th anniversary???

Let's do this!!!

Let's go grab life by the balls!!!!!!!!!

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PS: Happy Belated Anniversary Just Me...

Ooooffff!!!

I think enough with the morbid on Just Me and let's put a little sizzle into it.

Inspired by blogger William (thanks for the idea).

I am sharing my first ever porn star crush.

Alex fucking Marte!!!

Oooooffff!

I wanna smell him so bad!!!

Pictures by https://facecipl.wordpress.com/

God, I want him to give me a private strip show!!!

Dear Just Me, REALLY???

Dear Just Me,

Another death!

I mean really???

Sigh...

Unlike the previous soul, this person wasn't very close to our family but related closely (does that make sense?).

Another funeral to attend.

Another relative passes on into the afterlife.

He was my aunt's (High Priestess' eldest sister) father in law.

He was an educated, steadfast, active, vital individual who passed at 92 years of age.

Dear God,

Take this soul into your arms and ease the pain,

Bless your child.

Amen.

Aum Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi.

America!!!

They have finally done it huh!

Recognition of same sex marriage across the nation!

In the words of the first supermodel drag queen, RuPaul Andre Charles;

EVERYBODY SAY LOVE!!!

Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me, 

There's been another death in the family.

Another male relative.

Although we're not as closely related as I was with Madam K or with Madam R's brother, he was close to the family.

I offer my solemn prayers for his soul.

Take this soul into your loving arms God, and take away the pain and sorrow.

Make it yours or send it off safely into the next birth with ease.

Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi.

This Just In

I just finished chatting with a guy on a popular gay dating website.

It was going well until I realised that I hadn't asked him that pivotal question.

"Are you married?"

Of course!

He is!

And he says, "tell me your story".

Pretty smart ass isn't it? I think he thinks I am one of those emotionally broken person that would cave in when someone shows interest.

And so that's why I decided to write this blog post.

Here was my reply. 

There isn't really much of a story with the married guy. I was involved with him a couple of years ago and he kind of ignored me after I actually met the rest of his family. I was never in love with him or anything. But I was pissed. I got over it. No big deal.

Generally speaking, if you do have a wife and perhaps even a child or children, imagine if the thought of your child creeps into your head when you are inside another guy. That pang of guilt. How does one survive that? Or is there no guilt. And if there isn't guilt, I am even more flabbergasted! How can you not feel guilty?

The real story is, I was in love before, with a straight guy who treated me like a wife rather than a boyfriend and it was nice right until he fell in love with a woman and started ill-treating me. He would verbally abuse me and many times not talk to me. Emotional blackmail etc etc.... 

He wanted a girlfriend, a marriage, a family and he wanted me too. How is that fair to me? So I left him. But the catch here is that, I felt guilty when I was having sex with other men long after I left this guy. And it baffles me how any married men, who have children on top of it can imagine being involved with someone other than that very woman that has given him a gift of a child. How?

I think this is going to be my standard reply to every married men on that gay dating website that is looking for sex outside their marriage.

Every one of them that messages me that is.

Of course he was pissed and he replied me something along the lines that I was living in a dream world and too much drama etc.

EVIL EVIL ME!!!

MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I Fared In Drag

Well, the play is over and with it, a fulfillment of one of my life-long, must-do thing; getting into drag.

From audience responses and from what some of my friends say, I apparently, did well. In fact, my first appearance fooled some members of the audience until I began talking. The director told me that a number of people that did not know me thought I was a woman, until of course they heard my voice. He attributed it to my makeup and my first costume. I was kind of flabbergasted and frankly chose not believe it until Cookies and Cakes reaffirmed. He and Peter Pan (a new character on Just Me that I have known and been close friends with since kindergarten but did not become extremely close to until recently) were there to watch my performance. Cookies and Cakes has been a long time cheerleader for my getting into drag and I knew he wouldn't miss for the world!

(content is not an accurate reenactment)

Cookies and Cakes: It was so good!
J: You'll obviously knew my first appearance already right since I have already shared it with you.
Peter Pan: Ya, and when you spoke in that husky voice people started laughing.
Cookies and Cakes: *looks to Peter Pan* No, people actually thought that he was a woman.
J: WHAT THE......???!!!!!!
Cookies and Cakes: YES!!! People thought you were a woman. I dunno how, perhaps your makeup and that outfit but a lot of people in the audience thought you were a woman until you started talking.
J: Are you kidding me????!!!!!!!!! *still in disbelief*
Cookies and Cakes: No, seriously! You did!!!

Such validation! No wonder Mr. P "raised" for me! Now I really know I confused him! HAHAHA!!! Good to know!

GOOD

TO

KNOW!!!

I Got A Wig!

Yes!!!

I thought things would be get done for us cast members.

When the director told me to get into drag without a wig, I was pissed!!!

So I went ahead and collected my piggy bank savings (that was supposed to be a makeup haul) and got myself a wig.

Yes, we are still on that little acting stint of mine.

On an irritating note, I dreamed about Mr. P again.

This time it was me seeing him sick and comforting him.

I wonder what triggers these dreams.

Must be my subconscious.

Because I know I am not consciously thinking of him.

My Little Acting Stint Thus Far

Many genderqueer or transgender people go through a stage in their life when they just accept being gay. Mostly because they want to just get through life as painlessly as possible. However, being ostracised for not conforming to gender norms makes them question everything and if information and education is at their disposal they eventually find their way to a place where they can finally identify themselves, accept who they are, and know they're not alone by aligning with people alike. The likelihood of a transgender or even a genderqueer person to get to this particular point is, I would say, an uncommon scenario in a third world country. I can safely say I am blessed to have taken (or been put on), a route that has led me here. 

Questions in me when I was fresh out of that plague called Mr. P have slowly found resolution. I am still not entirely sure of myself but I am in a much, MUCH better state of being than I was when I wrote this.

With all that taken into consideration, being part of a stage play that requires me to get "dressed as girl", (hence "drag") has been so invigorating that I almost forgot that a stage play requires one indispensable aspect above everything else; ACTING!

When I had initially agreed to do this role, it was a friend that had actually coaxed me into it, painting me a picture of optimism and positivity. It happened to be what actually convinced me into agreeing. However, I quickly found out that this wasn't the case. I had an altercation with my friend due to contradicting requests I got from the director, not in terms of the acting itself but in terms of absence notifications for practice sessions. Thereafter, all I have been getting has been cold shoulder, DURING practice sessions, both from the director AND my friend. I do understand why this happened. These people, including my so called friend, are young(er) and they do bitch about everyone else they deem worthy of "bitching". I have witnessed this first hand, before the altercation, when everything was still flowers and butterflies between, me, my friend, and the director. This friend, of course, will be history to me after this play ends, as will be the director. 

Now, getting to the "moral of the story", if acting is something I am passionate about like odissi or makeup even, I would tolerate the worst. In fact, I have tolerated, being shouted at for not giving my all during practice, being called untalented and receiving comments that basically meant that I had deviated knowledge on dance, particularly odissi. None of this made me want to quit, NOT FOR A SECOND! I am awaiting my return to TDS with faith, hope and a strong conviction that I will prevail! 

However, acting isn't a passion of mine, and if this is what it takes to act, and by 'this' I mean petty attitude due to an altercation that was NOT my fault, then I am SORRY, I am bidding adieu to acting after this stint. FOR GOOD!

As for doing drag, well that is something I am still unsure of. I am guessing I'll know for sure, if I DO want to pursue it when I have the entire ensemble on during opening night! And Just Me will be getting every detail of that!

I Can't Believe It!

It's been a year since I've quit smoking!

Every time this thought occurs an urge creeps up all over me.

I remember how nicotine in my bloodstream was like.

And I feel like lighting one up.

The urges have been slowly retrograding both, in terms of intensity and in terms of frequency.

I fight it.

And I've succeeded for a year now.

And every time I overcome that urge it immediately develops into a this sense of accomplishment!

I quit smoking!

WOW!

I never thought I would be able to do this!

Thank you GOD!

First Box Ticked Off On The 2015 Checklist

There were 5 things to check off on my 2015 checklist.

#5 was; 

Do drag. Yes! Eyelashes, high heels, bra wigs and all!!!

#5 was the thing I was most apprehensive of, not because I was afraid but because I poorly foresaw nothing but mistiming.

God works in mysterious ways.

I am part of a stage play which requires me to be in drag.

Practice sessions have commenced and I have the full script in my possession already.

I am doing drag baby; eyelashes, high heels, bra, wigs and all!!!

So #5 CHECK!

4 more things to go!

A Love Affair I Never Wrote About

I kinda like this thing with the misleading title and the completely unexpected content.

With that, I am referring to a love affair that came from being able to be my true, authentic self, one hundred percent.

It was a love affair that so many others didn't agree with because they've had bad experiences.

It was a love affair so grand because it contained, within it, a love affair.

My love affair with KL.

Capital city.

Until Mr. P happened, I wasn't anyone but myself!

And even when Mr. P happened, I was at least 50 percent myself. AT LEAST!

KL opened access to makeup, learning it in depth and being able to buy it without being looked at like I was a homeless man (I get judgmental looks all the time when I walk into high end beauty stores where I live and every sales assistant just assumes I know nothing about makeup!).

KL opened access to the gay community for me and elaborated to me how many things work.

KL opened access to friendship with so many types of people! Trans-people, gays, lesbians, bigots, zealots, artsy people, liberal people, and I am happy to have known each one of them!

KL opened access to all the wonderful things I have only read and heard about; I remember cooing and sighing in front of Prada KLCC!

KL was where I could wear my foundation, powder, blush, bronzer, kohl, chapstick and mascara and strut with my most prized possession at that time; a Padini tote.

KL was where I could find all the cheap makeup stuff I wanted! Cheap falsies by the bulk was my one favourite item!!!

KL was where I fell in love too...

Sigh I do miss you KL...

Love; J.

Huh???

Sometimes I see some of the people I found really annoying from school getting hitched.

Well I added them on Facebook because they were my classmates from like......., Stone Age.

And I think to myself, wow, they found a person who could actually tolerate them?

Then I see those douche bags former classmates who are now parents.

And I think to myself, wow, they really shouldn't be allowed to reproduce! Imagine the kind of mentality their kids would grow up to possess. And these kids represent the future society!!!

And then follow with the thought that, how the hell are their offspring going to learn any good values?

But then, I give them the benefit of my doubt. I DO! Hey, well, people change!

Then I realise, raising a child is no stroll in the park.

Because I've seen the amount of work, energy, funds, emotional investment, sacrifice, physical labour  and time that goes into the entire process.

And I wonder, is a child really that worth it?

Especially with overpopulation.

And then I realise hey, this is redundant!

I don't f**king care about having kids!!!

Hell I don't even believe in marriage!!!!

In that very moment and at that very instant, that particular thought fills my heart and my being with a wave of warm comfort.

And I breath a sigh of relief that I was born gay.

And although my life may not have been all I have wanted, it has always been the best version it can be!

And I fervently hope it WILL continue be the best version that it has always been!

Why "Gender is an unnecessary illusion"

No, I am not about to discuss nuances of the notion nor am I going to discuss its relevance in society, pop-culture, ethics, or politics. Nothing whatsoever!

This is, as my blog title says, JUST ME!

I knew at a very young age that I was different.

(It is pretty common for gay men and many trans/pan/bi/everything else gender people to come up with this line when discussing gender identity. Mine is no different.)

I love everything the Malaysian Indian society stereotypically labels feminine; makeup, dance, cooking, jewelry, clothes. However, I have never consciously thought myself to be female.

I remember my parents caught me playing with my mother's lipstick when I was 5 years old. They scolded me and asked me if I wanted to be female and wear dresses instead. I was terrified but at that particular moment I was not above telling the truth. To be honest I lie to my parents constantly. CONSTANTLY! I knew they would disapprove of many things I did. But at that very moment, my instinct wasn't to lie. And then came a word from my mouth that somehow put things into perspective for me, in present time. I replied, "No".

When Mr. P was in my life, I thought about it many times, going to the extend of posing a question on Facebook somewhere in the lines of ME having reassignment surgery (to match the body to one's gender). However, it dawned upon me that I never wanted to do it for myself. I wanted to do it for him.

I have been curious! I have! I still think myself to be a beautiful woman had I been assigned female at birth or even if I self-identified as female. All my life, I have been reading articles, watching interviews, watching movies, and have even contacted reassignment surgery doctors from Thailand with questions to which one doctor in particular had extensive answers for.

Separating from Mr. P and reevaluating my life, who I am, who I envision myself to be (and many more boring questions like these) lead me to 2014, when I made grand discoveries. A term called gender-fluidity.

I am gender-fluid. I am beyond femininity and love being born with the XY chromosome.

My makeup, dance, and drag queen persona make me female, my physical appearance and my acceptance and love for it make me male! Gender is an unnecessary illusion!

Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me,

This character has never been mentioned but is Madam R's flesh and blood; her (younger) brother.

It has been barely two months since Madam K kicked the bucket.

As of 17th February 2015, Madam R's brother is no more.

And he too died on an auspicious day and time.

Thank you granduncle.

For being a pillar of strength to the family when you had your strength.

And the memories of you as the strong, steadfast man you once were will be memories I shall carry to the grave.

God, take this soul, this child of yours, protect him and give him Sat-Chit-Anandam (eternal bliss).

Let him be free from karmic dues and be one with you.

I offer my solemn prayer for your soul granduncle.

Hari Om Tat Sath.

Om Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi...

It's About Time I Revealed *name will be inserted in the near future*

Since The Wizard, there hasn't really been a person worth mentioning on Just Me. Not until now. 

Description; Brown, chubby, English lit graduate. Sweet, kind, slightly socially awkward and loves playing virtual games. Football fanatic, very agreeable, slightly naive yet attentive and understanding. 

The connection; Past the superficial getting to know each other stage and at the can-we-work-? level. Still don't know how I truly feel about him in terms of a relationship and vice versa (although he did express wanting to be exclusive). Sexually compatible (have hit first base and we 'pop' for each other! Ding ding ding!).

Seems like every time I go around parading the fact that I may have a new man in my life it all snow-slides into oblivion and then, like an unannounced, ripening toe corn, "friend-zone"!!! Which is the reason why I have kept this one under-covers. Even Cookies and Cakes expressed flippant disdain upon my request for a nick-name for this new one. Disdain not due to the absence of his sarcasm boosting muse but due to the fact that even he knew very little of the new man. 

Via Whatsapp;

J: What nick name would you give 'the new man'. The chubby guy I'm seeing at the moment.... 

CnC: Ah? Y? I don't know anything about him. You never talked about him often enough to leave a lasting impression other than he's chubby. And very low profile cos he's in ****. In other words just another closeted brown man in ****. AND in the bigger picture, YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING! Oh Gawd, I'm so crestfallen. Sobz.

Oh the superfluous portrayal of emotion via text! Cookies and Cakes should get, the very least, a Tony! He is however the unofficial name-giver for my conquests, one of which has appeared on Just Me; Sunbear. Upon further discussion Cookies and Cakes declared the following;

CnC: Enough said, HRH has henceforth spoken. The plebeian shall be bestowed with the name of the unbeknownst. Until further notice. 

So until further notice (this is a first on Just Me), the new man shall be called *name will be inserted in the near future*.

Madam K's Send Off

I was in awe at the grandeur of Madam K's send-off.

It wasn't a flashy venue.
There weren't intricate decorations.
No silver cutlery, no Fine China, no table settings.

But I've seen many MANY weddings with more sober celebrations than Madam K's send-off.

The sheer amount of garlands, bouquets, stalks upon stalks of flowers of every conceivable colour. Tamil folk music with firecrackers.
The sea of people that crowded the land surrounding Madam K's kampung house (wooden house on stilts).
Rituals, steps, prayers and customs were done so meticulously with no room for error.

I didn't shed tears, for the most part at least, because it seemed ridiculous. She was old, senile, amnesiac, incontinent, bed-ridden, on a liquid diet AND suffering. I actually heaved a sigh of relief that her epic life saw the resolution it needed. Her karmas washed away via physical suffering the past year. I celebrated her death! Of course I shed a couple of tears when they were reeling her coffin into the electric incinerator only because that was my last goodbye to her (certainly promising her that'll we'll meet again in the astral plane).

All the children and grandchildren observed a month long vegetarian diet which also included abstinence from alcohol and attending any form of parties.

We were also forbidden to enter temples and participate in holy rituals for the month only because it was a respectable mourning period.

It was also decided that Thaipusam would be forgone as it followed too soon after her death.

According to the undertaker, since she had passed on such an auspicious time, it is believed that being a guardian angel, she would look after us as an enlightened soul.

He suggested that all her children keep a part of her in their homes in the form of her hand print done on a white cloth with turmeric paste.


In loving memory of Madam K.
(unknown - 2015)

Dear Just Me

Dear Just Me,

Madam K is no more.

She had apparently passed on a very auspicious day and on a very auspicious time.

Souls passing on this day apparently will become one with God.

Thank you grandmother.

You have given me some of the best, most vivid memories in my life.

 Ever since senility descended, I have been missing you and your warm love.

God, take this soul into your arms and protect her for she is your child too.

Hari Om Tat Sath

Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi...

You will be missed.

Happy 2015!

2015 HAS to be good for me!

And I am fervently telling myself this because nothing can possibly top 2014's admittance into the hospital and 2013's meniscus injury (although the post was put up in 2014, the incident happened in December 2013).

Please be good 2015.

And it is, with that hopeful affirmation, I am around to doing my 2015 checklist.

Which brings me to realise that my last checklist was in January 2012.

So here goes,

First, checking off the 2012 list.

1. Finish masters - CHECK!

2. Start PhD - Can CHECK la!

3. Loose weight - F**K!!! 

4. Get that f**king paycheck! CHECK!

5. Dance, dance and dance!!! If my trip to Sri Lanka and my choreography for Pseudo Lil' Miss Sunshine counts, this is actually a CHECK!

6. F**king quit tobacco! CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!!!!!!

Weight loss seems to be the only dark cloud!

Ok so 2015 checklist.

1. LOOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. PhD; don't procrastinate; aim for 2016 graduation!

3. Get back to odissi.

4. Find out and attend a makeup course! Even a certificate will do for the year.

5. Do drag. Yes! Eyelashes, high heels, bra wigs and all!!!

Sounds bloody exciting!!!