Just One Freaking AM With One Freaking Movie!!!

I was supposed to be in bed 5 hours ago.

*writing pauses for about a minute*

I looked down at the pack of Marlboro Lights which still had a few sticks left in it. I bought it only a couple of hours ago. I took out one stick and left it aside. I looked down on the Marlboro Lights again.

"I don't love you anymore," the words formed in my head.

"But i'll go through the ordeal one last time before I say goodbye to you forever."

I chewed on two apples earlier, remains of which were on my table on a piece of cardboard I tore off from the box of 'INDOCAFE Coffeemix I bought yesterday. I looked at them and then at my Marlboro Lights yet again.

I paused.

"Do you really want to do this?" my head asked me.

"YES!" loud and clear, I heard my heart telling me.

I stuffed the leftover apples in the box with the rest of the remaining cigarettes. And closed the box. And then lighted up the one cigarette I placed aside right after I typed the aforementioned '*writing pauses for about a minute*'.

Earlier today, a few things happened that brought me back to the times I was doomed to a mattress in my living room; mosquitoes biting me, parents constantly yapping away about how my studies was still hanging, uncertain about my future, trying to get over Mr. P, trying to sleep with the dog howling outside like there's no tomorrow, trying to lose weight in the midst of all this happening, helping out my brother with his relationship, accommodating my possible future sister-in-law even if I didn't want to, trying to smoke every opportunity I get because that was the one thing that made me relax, trying not to feel like my life is hopeless, trying to hope that God would come to my rescue soon, wishing that I may be hit by a lorry and die so that I wouldn't feel anymore pain, crying nights out because I still missed Mr. P, worrying that my family may never get out of the financial crisis that they were going through, hoping that my best friend wouldn't give up on me, still wishing that I could have gender reassignment surgery and one day be re-united with Mr. P (even if it means him cheating on his future wife), constantly wondering why I was put through this...

And then I hit 7-Eleven, bought two cans of beer which I downed within five minutes and a pack of Marlboro Lights. All along the way to the outlet, I was talking to myself that I don't deserved to be put through this and trying to figure out if the nicotine addiction will still be prevalent when I am stressed.

When I came back, I caught up with a few friends over messenger, watched some YouTube videos and tried to get back to sleep.

I failed to snooze.

An hour later, I watched a few more videos on YouTube and realised I still couldn't sleep.

So I clicked on 'Computer', double-clicked on Local Disk (E:), double-clicked on the folder 'movies' and browsed through for something to get me through the night.

I realised why the night was not easy. I was alone. My room-mate had gone back to his hometown; his company would have kept me away from the tobacco.

There was one movie in particular I kept putting off watching for so long. I had this movie in my laptop for several months now. According to GJ Kind Boy, it was a sad movie.

I didn't want to take chances. I 'Google'd it for reviews. After finding a critic review of the movie, I thought, why not. So I did.

The packet of Marlboro Lights (or any other label for the matter) saw it's end after the movie ended and when I started typing this.

It is strange how this was all planned. This movie that I've always clicked on only to turn off because I thought I could not handle it. This movie, sitting so long in my folder never once played through, never once made to the end, now it has. Why now? Why this particular moment?

PS, I love you was a movie about letting go and moving on.

About losing a loved one and helping yourself get through it.

About how the worst of things can turn into silver linings.

About how when a door closes, a window indeed opens somewhere.

About how even though you may have lost a part of you, piecing it back together is possible.

About how even if you piece yourself back together and it doesn't look so good, you would still admire it because YOU pieced it back together.

PS I love you was nothing like what I went through.

But PS I love you taught me to stand back and see how I have already pieced myself together.

2008, August, my life became a mess.

2009, August and thereafter I was a mess.

2010 August I was still a mess.

2011 February I was not done being a mess but I was a mess put so well together that I admired it.

I picked up after me and glued my existence together. I threw out all the parts that did not fit and replaced it with compatible ones. They were not necessarily new, but they fit.

This fresh Hdaran might very well break again but practice makes perfect. Piecing should be easier the next time around.

PS Marlboro Lights ended up in the dustbin like a one time shot I could never miss!!!